What’s next?

My new life has been in the re-making for a while now and I just managed to accomplish another goal on my list,  I  am College Graduate. May 20th marked that unforgettable moment in  which I knew that anything I could put my mind to, I can accomplish. It is just a matter of clarity on the goal, trace the route and work hard until I make it to the goal. There were moments in which I did not know if I could go on but thanks to my professors who offered assistance and at times encouraged me to push a bit harder that I was able to make it through.

As I arrived to the Convention Center where the ceremony took place, millions thoughts went through my mind. I’ve been there before, for my daughter’s High School Graduation and I could not imagine her feelings at that time but for me it was something I longed for such a long time. I went to college in the past but I never finished. My role of wife and mother was way more important to me at the time. I don’t regret it one bit, but at this time of my life in which I am rebuilding it just the way I want it. It was important to me to attain this goal. The decision to do this came easy to me, the determination and the hard work that I had to put into it came later. It was amazing all the things that happened those two years as I simultaneously worked and studied.  During my Sophomore year I got into a car accident, that event changed everything; for one I could not sit for more than one hour without being in pain. I was unable to work for two months, was prescribed physical therapy, Meds and eventually had surgery. My GPA suffered because of it, there were times in which I could not even think straight dealing with the pain and my body working against me but I pushed through. There were times away from family and friends, beautiful beach days locked up in my place studying for a test or working on a presentation or project. I am sure all of you who have a college education have lived this, but for me it was the first and I had no idea how hard it would be and the kind of determination one must have in order to get to the goal. Perhaps doing it while one is young, single, no kids and no job is easier. For those who sole commitment is study without many other preoccupations will help them stay focused on the goal and get there faster. Thank God I crossed the finish line even though I would of want to make it a Bachelor’s degree instead but at this point in my life it would be foolish to get into such a huge financial debt.

Today I am in new phase as I contemplate my future once more and the new goals I will set for myself. I wonder what would make my life better and my heart content. At times my mind goes in circles but then I reflected in one question; If money was not necessary, what would I do? I did not come to me right away but after sleeping on it here I am, writing. There are many things I would like to communicate and inspire others, especially women. There is an urgency on the message I want to convey. Life can change in a split second and my dreams can’t be left for later. I know I have a mission in life and I haven’t begun to spread my wings yet, all of this is mere preparation for the platform I am about to step on. My experience and education will be the credentials I will need to talk to others and be heard.

As I contemplate the possibilities of my future I see myself inspiring, uplifting and empowering others. The world is going through so many changes physically, financially, and resource wise. There is a great need to attune my goals to the current situation and teach others to do the same otherwise I won’t be able to thrive. As I prepare the program that will help analyze and develop this new way of working in the new economy my intention is to help as many people as I can to see this vision.  It is necessary to become more creative and most of all to be able to identify good opportunities that come our way. Entrepreneurship will flourish because there is a huge uncertainty these days in jobs, unemployment and low wages and even though I realize the biggest segment will be employees, I truly believe the entrepreneur segment is about to increase tremendously. I want to be part of this growing entrepreneur segment as I grow my own business and help others explore the possibilities to  have a business of their own as well. It is a new experience, a new way to look at the world around me; to identify opportunities, to guide and advice those who have unused or not fully developed talents they can utilize in order to succeed.

I welcome you in my journey and would love to know your thoughts about it.

What do you believe is happening and what changes need to be made in order to partake of success? We only live once and each and every one of us have a mission. Are you fulfilling that mission? Do you even know what your mission is?

It is time to shut down the auto-pilot and get a hold of the direction of our lives.

And I remain…

April 23, 2016, my birthday once more. Time to not only celebrate but to thank God for all lived and not lived. Every morning when I open my eyes the first thing on my mind, soul, my words are of gratitude.   Gratitude because I’m blessed with another day, another opportunity to continue on my path to what I am meant to do in this world, for however long that might be.

This past year was packed with new experiences, some not so good if you look at it from a worldly point of view, but in the realm of God’s infinite goodness it was a very valuable and enriched time to continue to grow inside and out. I learned that life is short and that it could change in a blink of an eye, that accidents are not accidents, there are allowed to push me forward in a more speedy way. That God always have my back, no matter who is or not is with me in this journey of life. I can count on him no matter what. I have not earned any of this, God’s love for me has no measures and no conditions.

I was blessed with a job who kept me close to him no matter the circumstances and even though at times my faith was tested, I remained close to him learning to overlook the faults of others who do not reflected him as I thought they should. But who am I to judge anyone? I am so imperfect and perfect at the same time. When I rely on him, my shallow being becomes all he wants me to be since the moment he thought of my existence. I become strong on him when I lean on him on my weakest moments. I become wise when I don’t trust myself and others and run to him for spiritual guidance. His peace within me tells me that I am on the right path, and that whatever comes my way he will be with me if I step aside and let him do his thing.

Living by faith and letting myself be guided, almost continuously, have enriched my life. At times is like walking into a dark cave, as my feet touch the ground and I extend out my arms to let my senses guide me where and how to move ahead. It is turning on an extrasensory radar in order to navigate my body, mind and soul into the depths of the unknown. Life is so amazingly challenging sometimes, but I’ve found that resistance makes it unbearable to the point of brokenness. When I feel my life bending in ways I don’t expect and it begins to hurt, I try my best to let go because if I try to hold on tight to whatever it is, it could snap. I had couple of moments this year in which I tried hard to hold on, and at that moment it snapped. It wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to remain. The hurt was like a knife cutting the most precious part of my body and soul…. my heart. Change and transformation entails a lot of pain and frustration sometimes. But trusting that God helps me navigate in whichever way I choose to, while keeping a close eye on me just in case I need assistance, is comforting. It is like a mother letting her child step away from her into the world, letting him experience life and this world as it is but at the same time looking from afar ready to rescue him or guide him as soon as he turns to her.

On this birthday I want most of all to continue on my designated path, a path that in part I have chosen guided totally by God. It might not be the most easy path to travel on, believe me, I envisioned something else but by experience I’ve learned  to look for the markers God has placed for me so that I find my way. If I have learned something this year is that no matter what, everything that comes and goes into my life is allowed with a strong and meaningful purpose to enrich, transform or to fulfill my spiritual existence which is eternal. I’ve also learned to say “I love you” more often with no connotation of a romantic love but one of pure sentiment we should all have for all humanity, the animals and this world. Love transcends the universe and it is that energy that creates and stimulates the growth of our understanding of WHAT IS. I can’t pretend to have the answers or of being right, it is not about rightness or what is good or bad, it is about the merging of something completely unknown and inexplicable at times and embracing its force in order to become it… So thank you Lord, for being that force that is within me and with me at all times. Because in the realm of what matters in this world and the short time I might spend here, it is about getting to know you and letting you teach me and guide my journey of what my life is all about. It is about letting others know the importance of the real essence of life and what it could be for each and everyone of us. No two existences are the same, and I want mine to leave a mark that says “SHE KNEW HOW TO LOVE” because the meaning of what LOVE is has intrigued me ever since I read the meaning of it in the Bible when I was only seven years old. I bask on those words in awe and wonder and until this day I continue to learn the million ways it could be present in my life.

And here I am… and I remain… for a moment, for a day, another year, for all eternity in this infinite presence of the divine.

Lessons learned

Life has a way to teach us, by the way we live, the situations we encounter and by the way we move along the events. As 2015 comes to a close I am moved to reflect upon the lessons learned.

The year began with a bang, literally as I was about to released one of the biggest I had with my past. I was impacted by a van as I was driving to work planning what was about to do in the weeks ahead. It was very clear to me that what I thought will come about according to my plans was not so. God had other plans in mind. He released me of not one, but two of big material possessions which reminded me of my past. It was a time to let go and to begin my own era.

At times transformations and starting over is not an easy task. It was necessary for me to see how I was able to do and accomplish great things all on my own. I am a child of God, I can do so much more than I can realize. Live my life behind someone’s shadow is no way to live. I was created to shine all on my own, I just needed to believe it because I could see it.

My life unfolded effortlessly but not painlessly. Sometimes pain is useful to propel towards the right direction. I remember the words I heard upon impact as my vehicle was pushed towards the incoming traffic, stopping shy by inches into the turning lane were there no cars traveling, “It’s over.” Interesting, because I thought it was over 3 months before as the legal papers were signed by a judge, somehow I was still holding on to stuff. Time to let go. In exchange I was given what I deserved all along, something new, something mine, without any kind of memories from the past and that was just the beginning.

When you know it in your heart

The time has come in my life where I feel I should stop and listen closely, it has been nagging at me for decades. It is a shame that all this time has gone by but the internal urging never fades away. Fear keeps me grounded where I am, and I am thankful to God that he has sustained me this far until I come to my senses. I really don’t know the purpose of this wait other than I need to grow some more, I need to put on some more tough coatings over my skin to face the unknown and build on my trust on the one who gives me everything.

God created me with gifts and talents yet to be fully developed, and there is such greatness in all his designs, that I doubt this is all I will be able to do so far. I need to reach deep within and towards him in order to fulfill my mission and at the same time I try to live “safe.” I am reaching the edge of great cliff in which a vast land lies before me, I see the eagles fly and I long to fly with them. They too were at the edge right before they let go and jump forward towards the big empty space, trusting their wings and God provided the wind beneath it to lift them up… What a magnificent view must they have from above, what a thrilling sensation to be carried by faith alone.

Changes bring so many uncertainties, in today’s journal entry for my Psychology class I encountered an entry from one of the students facing his discontent towards his present work situation which created great stress in his life. This is my comment to him:

“I can relate to your stress related to your work. Work is such an extension of who we are, it should be considered (in my opinion) as what we are supposed to do in order to use our gifts and talents. At times we choose careers that provide us with the financial means we need to survive in society. In time those choices weigh heavy on us and we feel unhappy and unsatisfied. I believe we have an internal intuition to know these things, and in time we are faced with the reality to make a change. It is not easy to let go of what we know and jump off into the unknown… I am on that path myself, at the threshold to listen to my intuition telling me that I can be more than I am right now, and that my talents are not utilized properly. There is a certain peace I know we must feel when we are on the right path, and it takes courage to trust and move on towards the unknown.

I wish you the best in all you do, and may you find that place in which you will feel that you can be your ALL for the world to see.” e

*Eagle picture retrieved from http://grannysuesnews.blogspot.com/2012/05/high-places.html

Embracing the unknown

Life is a constant embrace of the unknown, I  can plan events and trace my path towards goals and desires but in the end I never know what will come. Recreating a life takes a lot of imagination, soul search and determination. I never knew how uncomfortable the unknown would be for me; shortly after regaining my freedom it seemed exciting, fresh… Now is becoming more of a surprise and uncertainty. I never know if I am doing the right things as I bump into areas I’ve not explored for a long time. I am digging deep within to get to know all the details that are important to remain in my life, and the one that must go. I wish I had more time to meditate but I am so busy doing a million things in order to move forward in different areas of my life that it doesn’t seem urgent, when it truly is.

One of my deepest desires is to know and do God’s will in my life, I don’t seem to know yet. I know that when I find peace within I am stepping into the right direction. At times I feel like abandoning all my dreams related to love but I then find myself deeply sad and nostalgic. If that is the route I should take, I definitely need to be at peace with it and feel happiness, but I’m not. So I guess it is not be yet.

One thing I realized yesterday is that the circumstances I am facing today are not the same I faced almost 30 years ago in reference to a relationship. There are more dynamics involved since I will have to deal with multiple past relationships from potential partners, something I don’t know how to handle and to be honest would not like to deal with. It is a reality and even though I am content with what is happening in the rest of my life, there is a little empty space within I can’t seem to fill with anything.

How do you deal with the unknown? How do you feel dealing with your partner’s past relationships and make it work for the two of you? What would the advantages be to remain single?

A forced meditation

Meditation used to be part of my daily routine, in time life took me into a war I had to fight hard and long to survive, and meditation took the back seat. After I resolved most of my personal issues related to my divorce and the big change in my life, I could not find the right time and place for meditation. The time I used to spend to mediate helped me to be sane, whole, clear and focus in the past. I attribute my mere survival during my difficult marriage to this practice. I know how important it is for our spiritual well-being, for our mind and soul. We are more than just a body and maintaining a balance is important for our health.

In my busy life schedule these days I kept neglecting the fact that I have a soul that I need to attend to.  God in his infinite wisdom has done everything to slow me down, to provide for me, to care for me in ways I never expected and still I did almost nothing to get back to meditation. Well, the ultimate happened last night, I lost my voice. I don’t remember ever getting sick and losing my voice. Last night was very important to me and at the end I struggled to used the last sounds from my vocal cords to express how I felt after a bitter disappointment. My hopes and dreams were shot down once more, I have no idea what else to do. Today I can’t emit a sound and even though it was a beautiful clear day outside I went nowhere. I watched Super Soul Sunday, and guess what was the theme today, meditation.

So here I am, writing to you and reflecting upon all that had happen to take me up to this moment. What is the purpose of having one of the most essential body functions taken away from me, my voice, and forcing me to silence in order for the spirit to be heard from within?  I have to admit that I love God but lately I am getting resentful of the love I’ve been denied of. I know he knows best and at the same time I keep pushing to have control over it. I don’t believe in crossing my arms and do nothing about what could be the rest of my life. I am afraid to surrender, I am a relentless fighter and giving up is not my forte, but what am I to do when the most desired prize feels unattainable? Believe it or not, I am meditating right now, I pause in between the words as they appear on the screen and I breathe in deeply… I must give up and surrender. I have to drop all my weapons to the ground, take off my shield and walk out defenseless unto whatever it is I will face. I feel like I am walking into the arena to be devoured by the lions. I guess the answer is Trust. I have to admit that I am afraid to trust, I’ve been hurt so many times because of it. I realize that it has not been my fault; I can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, integrity, and honesty.  I see no other alternative but to trust right now;  I am tired, disappointed, sad and stripped of options here. I SURRENDER LORD, I yield to your will in my life. I put on your loving hands my dreams and desires, the love I so yearn to feel here on earth. I am dropping all my battle gear to the ground, I stand vulnerable before you so that you can clothe me with LOVE. You know how difficult this is for me. You made me a warrior in order to help me survive all my battles so far but this one belongs to YOU, you want to fight it for me and I will let you do it.

Another year, another blessing…

Another year of life, another blessing. Today is my birthday and as I reflect upon the many experiences I have lived, I thank God for all the good and bad, for the highs and the lows and for giving me the strength to go on. He cares for me constantly, my most faithful partner in life and protected me from harm during my most recent car accident. There has been changes in my life, my world has been shaken once more and for now life is a little different. I trust it is for my best interest and in time I will know his intentions.

Sometimes we pray for a deep longing in our heart to be satisfied; it is interesting see how God respond to it. I am still yearning to understand his ways… He liberated me during this past year and I am emerging stronger than ever. There is no challenge I have not been able to overcome with his help, and I feel closer and closer to his spirit within me. At times I look outside of my being and feel lonely but then I realize that the love and treasures are inside of me. I shine like the stars and smile fully, I am alive! My gifts an talents surface and I flow with it with ease as I bask in his blessings.

I know there is still more coming, I am open, waiting in joyful hope. I know not what he has in store for me, but whatever or whoever he is I know it will be great. At the end all I need is Him. Happy birthday to me, I continue to be reborn and transformed once more into what I am meant to be.

The flow of life

Life, death, accidents, sickness, break-ups and divorce they all could potentially be a painful turning point in the unfolding of our existence. I live long enough to experienced a few tragic moments and feeling it was the end of the world, but it wasn’t. Each one of them was a turning point; my life changing form, transformed before my eyes according to my reaction to it. I usually take a very long time before I act and decide to move in a different direction, then come moments in a “flash” that wipes all that has been familiar to me and everything around, and inside me is changed for good. That “flash” propels me to where I am supposed to be and to help me develop the unknown strength I possess. I might be complacent to where and how I am at the moment, but it ultimately is not my full potential or quality of living I am supposed to be enjoying. I realize it is a painful, uncomfortable and confusing situation not only to me but to others linked to me, but I hope and pray all those involved eventually evolve to where they too need to be with a new found strength and hope in their life.

As I move forward in a completely new terrain where new rules apply and where, at times, I feel completely lost, I find myself more and more receptive to where and how I should navigate my life in the uncertainty of a vast sea. The more I experience, the more in tune I am to myself. Intuition play a big part in this phase of my life and even though sometimes I ignore it or let others convince otherwise, at the end it is proven that intuition was 100% correct. Wishful thinking is part of my survival at times, negating reality but little by little and hit by hit I am learning to trust my God given gifts.

I can’t deny that at times, all hope is lost even though I don’t want to. Only God knows what is in stored. Perhaps I must be striped of all in order to regain it. I don’t know. It is all a blur right now. Just when I though the fog was lifting up, shadows surround me once more. It is what it is, the flow of life; uncertain, and unpredictable. One day all will be full circle and I will look back and understand the journey…

Partnership or dictatorship

It could happen to anyone. We are raised with certain customs and assumptions when it comes to love and marriage. Love is something we all want in our life and at the same is so fleeting today. I believe that what we know about relationships has a big part on the kind of relationships we develop with each other.

I was young, naive and ill equipped to know what a good relationship looked like. I followed on the steps of an old society that had nothing to do with the current era and I assumed I was doing the right things. What I failed to realize, I came to understand almost three decades later when I faced my failed relationship. Life is a classroom, I learn by my mistakes, by the chances I take and by the experiences I gain. There is no wishful thinking at work here, life it is what it is, good or bad reality and as I deal with it.  But I also learned that life is also exactly the way I think about it. I can choose to see a glass half full or half empty.

Happy and successful relationship are to be partnerships not a dictatorship.  That was a lesson I had not learned before I began the most important relationship of my life, my marriage. I gave total control of my life to someone who did not have my best interest in mind but his own. I am still questioning a lot of things but unlike in the past, I don’t blame myself anymore. The problem with a dictatorship relationship is that you are constantly blamed for everything, the dictator never takes responsibility for the outcomes of his acts. I have come to an understanding that I surrendered my power to someone else voluntarily in order to maintain the peace I longed for my kids and me.  I paid a very high price for that peace and at the end everything fell apart anyway. I want to believe that there was good reason for it all and that is not too late to experience what a true partnership is all about. I am positive, happy, moving forward as I wait for that moment.

When someone expects everything  from you without “serving” you in return you are in a dictatorship. This is the way a lot of our grandparents lived decades ago. That was all I was familiar with, even though I saw a little serving from my dad to my mom when I was young. Now years later I saw my dad’s  total giving and serving to my mother while she was diagnosed with a Lymphoma was a true example of what a partnership in marriage is. She deserves his total dedication because she has done exactly the same for him.

In this day and age, being single again had put me face to face with a lot of selfish individuals. People who live behind thick “walls” to keep distance from one another. People who do not know how to “serve” without expecting anything in return and fearing they will be taken advantage of. Past experiences are part of their mentality but we can’t be boxed in the past, as long as we do, we’ll  missing on the great possibilities ahead. I know well how scary it could be to put yourself out there with the possibility to be hurt again, I’ve felt it. However, if I don’t, I would not be living. Being armed with my new learned knowledge from my success and failures will pave my future. I trust myself and my ability to create a great partnership next time around. It took a long time but the rewards will be measured to the way I continue to be true and faithful to whom I am and the immense value of my soul. Nobody can steal that from me and nobody will pressure me to give it randomly without any kind of personal evaluation of the person who might want to be part of my life. True loving partnerships are awesome and that is what I want for my life, I won’t settle for anything less and neither should you. My life had to be completely destroyed in order to rebuild it the right way, with God by my side guiding me every step of the way. He is showing me what real love is about and how it should be expressed. His love for me and his constant presence in my life is the measure I will use for my next relationship. I might have to wait a while but there is a lot to do in the meantime and I trust his time knowing that he knows exactly what I deserve to get in this life.

Love is in the air

Valentine’s Day, candy, flowers, dinners, fun times together… or is it? On this Valentine’s day I look forward to enjoy a long weekend, no expectations. Life is too short to start looking for specific actions and reactions from those around me. Love is something I try to give to the ones I love on a daily basis, not just on Valentine’s Day. I wait for daily blessings, for time together, for the presence of those I care no matter the day or time. It is the smile, the twinkle in the eye when they see me and how silly and spontaneous we can be together that I enjoy the most.

So love is in the air everyday, know that others want to feel that love also more than just in Valentine’s Day and help it grow with your authentic self, with your smile, with your embrace, without demands or expectations. It just flows and grows when your heart is open, sincere and at peace with who you are. God will help you see and feel the love of your life, don’t doubt, just trust that even though sometimes we question certain things is because  we might feel afraid of letting someone touch our hearts. It is a sacred space and believe me, it is better to share it.  Happy Valentine’s Day!!!