Embracing the unknown

12 07 2015

Life is a constant embrace of the unknown, I  can plan events and trace my path towards goals and desires but in the end I never know what will come. Recreating a life takes a lot of imagination, soul search and determination. I never knew how uncomfortable the unknown would be for me; shortly after regaining my freedom it seemed exciting, fresh… Now is becoming more of a surprise and uncertainty. I never know if I am doing the right things as I bump into areas I’ve not explored for a long time. I am digging deep within to get to know all the details that are important to remain in my life, and the one that must go. I wish I had more time to meditate but I am so busy doing a million things in order to move forward in different areas of my life that it doesn’t seem urgent, when it truly is.

One of my deepest desires is to know and do God’s will in my life, I don’t seem to know yet. I know that when I find peace within I am stepping into the right direction. At times I feel like abandoning all my dreams related to love but I then find myself deeply sad and nostalgic. If that is the route I should take, I definitely need to be at peace with it and feel happiness, but I’m not. So I guess it is not be yet.

One thing I realized yesterday is that the circumstances I am facing today are not the same I faced almost 30 years ago in reference to a relationship. There are more dynamics involved since I will have to deal with multiple past relationships from potential partners, something I don’t know how to handle and to be honest would not like to deal with. It is a reality and even though I am content with what is happening in the rest of my life, there is a little empty space within I can’t seem to fill with anything.

How do you deal with the unknown? How do you feel dealing with your partner’s past relationships and make it work for the two of you? What would the advantages be to remain single?





Partnership or dictatorship

8 03 2015

migdalia-arellano-tropical-resort-i

It could happen to anyone. We are raised with certain customs and assumptions when it comes to love and marriage. Love is something we all want in our life and at the same is so fleeting today. I believe that what we know about relationships has a big part on the kind of relationships we develop with each other.

I was young, naive and ill equipped to know what a good relationship looked like. I followed on the steps of an old society that had nothing to do with the current era and I assumed I was doing the right things. What I failed to realize, I came to understand almost three decades later when I faced my failed relationship. Life is a classroom, I learn by my mistakes, by the chances I take and by the experiences I gain. There is no wishful thinking at work here, life it is what it is, good or bad reality and as I deal with it.  But I also learned that life is also exactly the way I think about it. I can choose to see a glass half full or half empty.

Happy and successful relationship are to be partnerships not a dictatorship.  That was a lesson I had not learned before I began the most important relationship of my life, my marriage. I gave total control of my life to someone who did not have my best interest in mind but his own. I am still questioning a lot of things but unlike in the past, I don’t blame myself anymore. The problem with a dictatorship relationship is that you are constantly blamed for everything, the dictator never takes responsibility for the outcomes of his acts. I have come to an understanding that I surrendered my power to someone else voluntarily in order to maintain the peace I longed for my kids and me.  I paid a very high price for that peace and at the end everything fell apart anyway. I want to believe that there was good reason for it all and that is not too late to experience what a true partnership is all about. I am positive, happy, moving forward as I wait for that moment.

When someone expects everything  from you without “serving” you in return you are in a dictatorship. This is the way a lot of our grandparents lived decades ago. That was all I was familiar with, even though I saw a little serving from my dad to my mom when I was young. Now years later I saw my dad’s  total giving and serving to my mother while she was diagnosed with a Lymphoma was a true example of what a partnership in marriage is. She deserves his total dedication because she has done exactly the same for him.

In this day and age, being single again had put me face to face with a lot of selfish individuals. People who live behind thick “walls” to keep distance from one another. People who do not know how to “serve” without expecting anything in return and fearing they will be taken advantage of. Past experiences are part of their mentality but we can’t be boxed in the past, as long as we do, we’ll  missing on the great possibilities ahead. I know well how scary it could be to put yourself out there with the possibility to be hurt again, I’ve felt it. However, if I don’t, I would not be living. Being armed with my new learned knowledge from my success and failures will pave my future. I trust myself and my ability to create a great partnership next time around. It took a long time but the rewards will be measured to the way I continue to be true and faithful to whom I am and the immense value of my soul. Nobody can steal that from me and nobody will pressure me to give it randomly without any kind of personal evaluation of the person who might want to be part of my life. True loving partnerships are awesome and that is what I want for my life, I won’t settle for anything less and neither should you. My life had to be completely destroyed in order to rebuild it the right way, with God by my side guiding me every step of the way. He is showing me what real love is about and how it should be expressed. His love for me and his constant presence in my life is the measure I will use for my next relationship. I might have to wait a while but there is a lot to do in the meantime and I trust his time knowing that he knows exactly what I deserve to get in this life.





Good-bye 2014

30 12 2014

IMG_4949

The year is almost coming to an end. 2014 brought so many good and few bad things but overall it was the year I would never forget. My patience, knowledge, learning skills, faith, hopes and dreams were developed and some of it flourished. I learned that I am much stronger than I thought and that I can survive in the face of so many unjust and undeserved situations. It’s all good, is all behind me.

Among the good and awesome things that happened I got to be reunited with my son after 4 long years. I have no idea how we managed to stay apart that long but it wasn’t our choice and finally we embraced each other. Being a mother is one of biggest blessings God has bestowed upon me. I can’t imagine my life without any of my children. Life has changed for all of us but we are making the best of it. This Christmas season gave me a much needed break from college and work and by doing so giving me the chance to redefine my life in terms of goals and dreams for my future. I can’t let life just casually happen, I want to be an active participant and to do what it takes to shape it into something I will enjoy for years to come. God has blessed me with so many opportunities and given me the tools, contacts and knowledge to make it really great. It is very exciting.

My family has been next to me every step of the way as I faced evil and for that I am eternally thankful. God has provided for me of so many things and has not failed me yet. I am patiently waiting for my final big blessing and I know it will come one day. In the meantime life goes on and I can’t stop living. Loneliness is not my cup of tea but at times it is exactly what I have to deal with and I need to accept it. I just pray that my heart doesn’t get hard and stays open.

I wish all of you a lot of happiness, health and joy in 2015. Share with me what your hopes and dreams are and how 2014 impacted your life. We all learn from each other and somehow because of that survive terrible situations and enjoy each others joys! To you, to us, to this world who needs much healing and for all those who won’t be with their families these New Year’s Eve. May God bless all of us and let us fill his love because if we do we need nothing else.





Life used to be simple

21 12 2014

Only ten more days and 2014 will be a thing of the past. What have I lived and learned during this past year? I don’t know about you but I am still learning. As a matter of fact I began learning about my life as it started to collapse as I knew it for so long. Still puzzled by its complexity and ever changing form, very unpredictable and sometimes unfair, or is it? I learned that at times I am called to live hardships, injustice, be stripped of everything to be completely bare in order to be completely transformed. I feel like clay under the potter’s hands, completely undone and being reshaped into something new.

I thought that once a certain situation was completely over something magically would change my life, it has in so many ways but I still wait for the ultimate change that will bring me joy and love. Perhaps there is still more to learn before I get there. It is very early in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour now even though I went to bed late. My heart is longing and my mind is racing. These words needed to find a way out. In reality I don’t know what to expect on 2015, I’m not sure if I should even go there. I am here now and there is still ten more days in the calendar but all I have is now. What do I do with this moment, how do I move forward and make the best of it, how do I welcome the wonderful blessings that awaits me this day? I need to voice my heart feelings and longings, my acceptance that I am still willing to love and be loved. Life was so simple.

Life was simple when I had not lived enough to know that life could change in a blink of an eye. That what you perceived as real wasn’t at all, and that your heart could be shattered into a million pieces but somehow be made whole again. There are beautiful moments lived and many more to come I’m sure. If I have learned something is not to lose hope because it is in my darkest moments that I am about to face the sunrise in my life. It is in the moment that I feel I can’t, that God is going to take over for me and get it done. Every tear of doubt and loneliness that rolls over my face now is pain leaving my heart to give way to joy and peace.

I am so thankful for all I have lived this year, for at last seeing the chains coming off of me and to look at myself in the mirror and say it’s done and I am stronger for it. Most of the battle is done but like an earthquake that hits suddenly, once it stops sometimes later comes the aftershocks. Life used to be simple or was it? Maybe it was the way I viewed it, the uncomplicated matters I needed to deal with then and as the time went on I took more and more not paying attention to the effects.

This Christmas I will welcome Jesus into my heart, he who came hell and high water sustained me during the battle and I’m sure has even more wonderful things in store for me. Then I will welcome the New Year with hopes and dreams without measure because I am a child of God and there are many great things he has planned for me. He knows my deepest longing and I’ve prayed for so long. All my tears will be wiped away. But on my here and now I open my heart and receive his blessings, his manifestations of love into my life and I pray for wisdom to always do the right things but never forgetting that when I fall he is always right there reaching out his hands and I just saw his hand right now, handing me another one to join mine.

touch





The last day of 2012

31 12 2012

As the year comes to a close I reflect upon the fact that life is beautiful right along the trials, tribulations, blessings and encouragement I have the privilege to live. I spent it in two different parts of the world, each one with its own beauty and special blessings in my life. It also contained a diverse group of people who supported, encourage, challenged and loved me along the way. I lived new experiences, some good and some bad but all adds up to the lessons I needed to learn in order to continue my growth.

I am stronger, clear about my value, my dreams and goals and most of all of my capacity to make it a reality. All of my fears were unfounded because fears are not real, I needed to take that leap of faith and trust and what I did was fly… Yesterday I went to the movies and a saw a preview of Will Smith’s new movie to be released called After Earth. One phrase hit me as i watched it “In order to survive we must realize that FEAR is not real, is a product of thoughts you create. But do not misunderstand me, DANGER is very REAL but FEAR is a CHOICE.”  This will become my motto for 2013:  DANGER is very real, but FEAR is a choice. No more FEAR in my life, it doesn’t exist and life is one that needs to be lived and walked on with firm steps and most of all with integrity. I will get what I give and expect only the best in all.  

I read a comment right under the movie trailer of this movie and noticed how  two different people perceptions were expressed. One was impressed with the same phrase I was, the other was a total negative person saying that Will Smith made this movie with his son in order to create an opportunity for him that nobody would give him for being a black actor. My point exactly. I am not certain if that is the case but even if it was, what is the point?. In life you do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality; you train or study, you learn, you work hard and go for it. If one door closes you look for a window, turn to another door or bring down the walls that separate you from your goal.  We have it too easy sometimes, I believe we have forgotten how our ancestors worked, fought and died for the little things we take for granted today thanks to all their efforts to make it our standard of living. We lack the creativity to face challenges and to overcome them. We lack the strength to hang in there until all is accomplished according to our goals, our values and must of all justly. I believe we need to grow in knowledge of our value and the power we possess to change and transform ourselves in our world regardless of what other people might think or say. Our true value is within and God has given us a treasure to work with. It is up to us to discover what that treasure is and appreciate it. We need to learn to pay the price. In life, at work in our relationships with one another all has a price and the way we handle different situations will give us rewards or regrets. I don’t know which one you prefer but I prefer rewards even though it is true that we gain wisdom with each of our regrets. No living experience is wasted in God’s infinite mercy. I learned that moving forward sometimes is done crawling if I have to,  but NEVER giving up.  

So as 2013 begins in just a few hours from now, I look forward to the life lessons it will teach me as I continue to grow and expand the horizon of my own territory. I will learn how to use my gifts and talents to transform what will shape my world. I have the power to shape and transform every single detail on it no matter what comes my way because my strength comes from the one who created me who  is infinite, all knowing and all powerful.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013 TO ME AND TO ALL OF YOU, BE BLESSED ABUNDANTLY. 

         





Building almost from the ground up

30 01 2012

In the long and hard process of rebuilding a life from what it was to what it will be there is a way of getting to know myself and those around me. It is never a black and white situation in which I know what to do or think about all the dynamics of this process in order to move towards what I want my life to become. Sometimes is loaded of heart aches and disappointments but I’ve learned that it is when I go into it with a lot of expectations that this occurs. I have, little by little, begun to shed all of those thoughts of expectations and by doing so a lot of the past pain is less present in my life. I still have expectations but it has nothing to do with humanity, it has to be with the final destination which I want to reach within and in the universe. By letting go of human expectations I’ve been able to see more clearly reality around me. I realize that not everyone is going to be part of my journey or to offer me any comfort and I am okay with that. I walk along my path doing what my heart and soul wants and I understand that not everyone is going to be able appreciate it every time, but that is not my purpose when I give it away. Giving helps me grow in ways I never expected before and knowing that I am not withholding what’s inside me for fear or to protect myself liberates me.

There are certain satisfactions I can’t keep myself from offering others, to do so will be to bury the essence of who I am, and by satisfactions I mean acts mainly of service. What is given to me must be shared with others with no strings attached. In my opinion the more I give, the more is given back to me in one way or another. To have mental and emotional clarity is just what I need at this moment in this long journey. At times I think that certain people might be the ones that will have a long journey with me but all of the sudden I realize that not one person is meant to be there for you all the way through totally. We can’t depend on another human being to withstand the test of time in this arduous work that is meant to be a personal journey toward the unknown. Some people are there for you along the way and they manage to be “present” in the parts of one’s life but it is only in a fragmented way, they come in and out as their time allow them because they also have a long journey of their own and that is the one that they need to be constantly present at.

I wish I could say that I am glad at this moment in my life because it will take to encounter another human being who can share the many blessings I receive. To me it will be to be given the opportunity to be with someone who is willing to share his mind, body and soul, someone who allows me to be present along his journey in the same place of the universe. This time I will not pretend that it will be forever but I will like for it to be for as long as our paths align with each other’s progress along our life. To be opened to another human being is to trust that the other is totally aware that you are an important part of their earthly journey, someone who can contribute something you want and need in order to be nurtured and supported. I don’t believe we can be alone; we need the warmth and caring from one another at so many different levels during our existence. It has been an awful long time for me to be at this stage but I understand that there is a process and the longer I take to understand it, the longer it will be for me to reach or identify that special someone in my life journey. I do feel I’m getting closer and though it still hurts when I fail, I am not burden with the load of negative feelings like in the past. I try not to judge myself or others, things and people are just the way they are and they will be or go towards what they need to in order to complete their journey.

Rebuilding almost from the ground up is to be able to take what I’ve constructed and destroyed until now and to make it, in so many ways, into what is meant to be. The way I know if it is right is by closing my eyes and going within; if I feel tranquil I am on the right track. Turbulence, anxiety, guilt or stress means only one thing, not been where I was meant to be.

Clary Lopez
January 29, 2012





Learning a new Rhythm

17 11 2011

It has been many years in a foreign land, a land where I never decided to live in and even though I did my heart always was somewhere else. Now that somewhere else is here and in many ways I feel a little foreign in it. It’s ironic but at this time sentiments and habits created long ago are part of my being. As I embrace the land I always wanted to be in, I must also embrace what I become while on it. It is a slow process that I must learn to flow with in order to regain control of my life, a lot depends on it including my happiness.

To Quiet the heart does not come easy, even when the ideal circumstances are denied; it lingers, it waits, it dreams, it flies where it want to be and subliminally communicates with the other. Time will only tell if it will live or die.

I’m slowly learning to close my eyes, to look away, to keep my mind busy when it needs to in order to help let the time pass by. I realize that sometimes the torture is created within and mistakenly I expect the peace to come from external means, nothing is further from the truth, both are created within. I must decide which one to grow in order to move on, torture has lived way too long with me.

As I learn this new rhythm and even dance to it, I must also know that it will take time… It will be worthy at the end and my heart will be full of peace and joy, just like I dream, like I hope, like is meant to be against all the odds.