A forced meditation

Meditation used to be part of my daily routine, in time life took me into a war I had to fight hard and long to survive, and meditation took the back seat. After I resolved most of my personal issues related to my divorce and the big change in my life, I could not find the right time and place for meditation. The time I used to spend to mediate helped me to be sane, whole, clear and focus in the past. I attribute my mere survival during my difficult marriage to this practice. I know how important it is for our spiritual well-being, for our mind and soul. We are more than just a body and maintaining a balance is important for our health.

In my busy life schedule these days I kept neglecting the fact that I have a soul that I need to attend to.  God in his infinite wisdom has done everything to slow me down, to provide for me, to care for me in ways I never expected and still I did almost nothing to get back to meditation. Well, the ultimate happened last night, I lost my voice. I don’t remember ever getting sick and losing my voice. Last night was very important to me and at the end I struggled to used the last sounds from my vocal cords to express how I felt after a bitter disappointment. My hopes and dreams were shot down once more, I have no idea what else to do. Today I can’t emit a sound and even though it was a beautiful clear day outside I went nowhere. I watched Super Soul Sunday, and guess what was the theme today, meditation.

So here I am, writing to you and reflecting upon all that had happen to take me up to this moment. What is the purpose of having one of the most essential body functions taken away from me, my voice, and forcing me to silence in order for the spirit to be heard from within?  I have to admit that I love God but lately I am getting resentful of the love I’ve been denied of. I know he knows best and at the same time I keep pushing to have control over it. I don’t believe in crossing my arms and do nothing about what could be the rest of my life. I am afraid to surrender, I am a relentless fighter and giving up is not my forte, but what am I to do when the most desired prize feels unattainable? Believe it or not, I am meditating right now, I pause in between the words as they appear on the screen and I breathe in deeply… I must give up and surrender. I have to drop all my weapons to the ground, take off my shield and walk out defenseless unto whatever it is I will face. I feel like I am walking into the arena to be devoured by the lions. I guess the answer is Trust. I have to admit that I am afraid to trust, I’ve been hurt so many times because of it. I realize that it has not been my fault; I can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, integrity, and honesty.  I see no other alternative but to trust right now;  I am tired, disappointed, sad and stripped of options here. I SURRENDER LORD, I yield to your will in my life. I put on your loving hands my dreams and desires, the love I so yearn to feel here on earth. I am dropping all my battle gear to the ground, I stand vulnerable before you so that you can clothe me with LOVE. You know how difficult this is for me. You made me a warrior in order to help me survive all my battles so far but this one belongs to YOU, you want to fight it for me and I will let you do it.

Another year, another blessing…

Another year of life, another blessing. Today is my birthday and as I reflect upon the many experiences I have lived, I thank God for all the good and bad, for the highs and the lows and for giving me the strength to go on. He cares for me constantly, my most faithful partner in life and protected me from harm during my most recent car accident. There has been changes in my life, my world has been shaken once more and for now life is a little different. I trust it is for my best interest and in time I will know his intentions.

Sometimes we pray for a deep longing in our heart to be satisfied; it is interesting see how God respond to it. I am still yearning to understand his ways… He liberated me during this past year and I am emerging stronger than ever. There is no challenge I have not been able to overcome with his help, and I feel closer and closer to his spirit within me. At times I look outside of my being and feel lonely but then I realize that the love and treasures are inside of me. I shine like the stars and smile fully, I am alive! My gifts an talents surface and I flow with it with ease as I bask in his blessings.

I know there is still more coming, I am open, waiting in joyful hope. I know not what he has in store for me, but whatever or whoever he is I know it will be great. At the end all I need is Him. Happy birthday to me, I continue to be reborn and transformed once more into what I am meant to be.

Limitless Mentality

“Never put a lid on God. You can’t give God a thimble and ask for a quart. It won’t work. Your plans, your projects, your dreams have to always be bigger than you, so that God has room to operate.” – Mother Angelica from the book Little Book of Life Lessons and Everyday Spirituality.

Playing it safe, it is the most common mentality in order to navigate life without much discomfort. I really don’t know how or why some of us are so afraid to step out in faith. In the past people didn’t have much and in reality they had way more than we do now. They lived simply and work the land with their own hands, it was hard work and many times they gathered their food on a daily basis. There was no way to store food for a long period of time so they learned to get things as they needed, nothing more. Everyone in the family was expected to lend a helping hand and -unlike now- they did it without expecting to get paid for it, it was something they did because they were part of the family. They had to rely on faith and hard work trusting that they would have what they needed.

(Entrance to the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament – built on Faith)

When it comes to God there are no limits on what He can do through us. I’ve seen it with my own eyes on the things He accomplished through Mother Angelica, and yet I’m afraid to step out in faith. “Pagan” she called a loan officer once for not lending her money based on faith. She had no assets and didn’t know what her income was going to be until the end of the month. We have been conditioned to work on “sure” ground, on security, on things we can see and touch.

The other day we had a customer worried about submitting a claim to her insurance company in order to do a repair in her house. Her fear was on the increase of her policy if she submitted the claim, now I just wondered, why in the world do we need to have insurance for everything if when the time to make a claim comes we are afraid to claim what we are entitled to? We spend millions of dollars over our lifetime to insure everything we possess and yet we are afraid to claim a portion of it back. What does insurance provides us? In this case absolutely nothing other than to make us part from our hard earn money in exchange for some “security.”

Having a limitless mentality is not stopping to think of what we can do, but on what God can do instead. We are a vessel and only when we allow to be used by Him are we able to do the great things He had in mind for us. They key to limitless is to tap to the source and open ourselves to the possibilities.

I really don’t know why am I writing on this topic today, all I know is that somehow those lines I quoted at the beginning jumped at me while reading the book this morning. I keep waiting to move forward in my life but at the moment I feel frozen in time, afraid of what might come next. I know I should have faith, the one I used to have years ago but that in many ways I’ve lost. I need to get it back; faith that things will get better, that nothing will last forever, that I can do anything through Him if only I tune in to His will in my life at this moment and that my dreams are His way of saying to go on, that there is so much more to be achieved and accomplished in my life.

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Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life

Chossing Our Path

My spiritual retreat weekend served me to nourish my mind and soul. Here is an excerpt of a reflection I wrote on my journal:

I’m walking the grounds and looking not only for a place to sit and rest my back but also a shade. it must be 96 degrees F and I can’t feel comfortable anywhere.

I go from place to place and try to reflect or write. It’s way too hot, and the insects are now biting me. I decide to go back in. As I look at the path before me the road splits in two, one is a short way to where I’m going but it provides no shade. So I choose the long path instead in order to get relieved from the sun on my skin.

I immediately thought of real life situations that might present themselves; there is always a short way and a long way. In our eagerness to get things over with, we sometimes choose the shortest way when in reality the long way would have given us more time reflect upon our decisions and also provide relief along the way. Like the shade from the trees that almost covered all the way on my long path to the monastery.
(end of journal entry)

Taking time to absorb what surrounds us, to listen to our inner voice, to open ourselves to the possibilities, and to open our mind to the unexpected are just some of the benefits of choosing a long path.

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Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life