A Message from Above

31 05 2009

I know how easy it could be to go through life without hearing God talk to us not even once, but then again it could be that we are not aware of it or even listening.

I have been crying out to God, to step in, to show up, to provide me with what I so desperately need right now, I don’t have it, he does and unless he pour it into me it will never be there.

Today is Pentecost Sunday, I dressed in red without even thinking about it and went to church. I carry with me a little book that helps me pray and meditate whenever the Spirit moves me, so I sat on the pew, knelt for a few minutes and then pulled out my little book. As I read I gasped for air; it was him, he was talking to me through the message I was reading. I felt his presence, his embrace, his pain for my pain and my eyes welled with tears, I could hardly see the words that were consoling me. My heart started pounding harder as I said, “oh God, oh God” and continued to try to hold back my tears. He is always there when I need him, no matter how long ago was the last time he revealed himself to me through whatever means he could use to touch me and let me know he was there, I am never alone. I ran to the restroom to get napkins since today for the first time I did not have my handkerchief, tears bathe my face. I don’t like to be dramatic, I wish I could just bury everything inside but all burst out like a volcano when I least expect it. I can’t hide my emotions. After that sweet embrace with God I felt calm come over me and then he provided me with even more with Bible scriptures and finally with the priest’s words. After the encounter my body felt weak and at times I was dizzy but nonetheless I was fed and strengthen to know he was there with me and that he no longer remained silent while I was looking for him so desperately.

I wish everyone has the chance to have the same experience, perhaps you have but if you haven’t be open and alert. Don’t expect to hear his voice but listen to the voices, music, sounds, words, anything that surrounds you. He uses so many things and people to let us know he is there and yet many don’t even know it. I wish I could explain this better for you but when you hear him you will know what I am talking about. Yield, be silent, pray, stop trying to have control and you will see what happens.

Today I can breathe a little bit more and it is because of him, because he is lifting some of the weight off my heart for a little bit. I hope that while I have this time that he also give me the wisdom to know what I should do next and gives me the courage to face what will be befall me. That is all I ask.


Lost in Search

30 05 2009

I search and search within for something that does not exist for something that is expected of me but not likely to come out. My mind goes around and around memories, words, gestures, signs I should have seen but that passed by me like a ghost leaving a trail of pain and coldness deep in my heart. The intensity of the feelings at times leaves me numb and paralyzed, frozen in time and space wanting to stop the cosmos and put a big pause to all the sorrow. What is missing from me I don’t expect from anyone either, it is only fair; I can’t give what I don’t have, and can’t have what I am not willing to give.

It worries me that it will be exactly how I will be treated by God if I don’t but unless he comes and fills me with what I need I don’t see it happening in my lifetime. I sound like a rebel when I am being honest, I just don’t want to hurt no more. If there is a moment in time I need him is now, this is the time for a revelation for something so powerful that all the smoke from Hell leaves me.

I need for him to carry me whenever I can’t walk no more, I need him. I know all of this has a reason and the attacks are because I am in charge of something great, so all my fronts are on fire burning down to the ground. I see everything being consumed and I debate if I should put out the fires or quickly look for some form of retaliation in my defense.


And then I breathe…

30 05 2009


It gets harder to breathe each day, even though I try, all kinds of thoughts inundate my mind then my heart is quenched and my stomach turned. I wish I could quiet my mind, to stop analyzing the past, to question myself, to look for reasons even though nothing will justify the outcome. It is ultimately decisions we as humans make and then face the consequences. I always try to do some damage control even though I would prefer to run away, but this is the hardest one for me to stand still. I remember the days when if something like this happened I would just cut the strings without a second thought, I am still that person inside, but my life now is tangled up with other ideals and deep inside I know a sudden action is not what is called for here.

I see everything crumbling before me and the constant attacks are making me weary, I need to breathe. The battle is on and as unwilling participant I fight my urge to flee. To abandon the battle ground could mean only two things; I could get killed or be set free. We can’t fight battles for someone else, each one of us are called to face our demons. It is not easy to see the slaughter and then have to pick up the pieces.

And then I breathe the disillusion, the quenching sorrow that crushes my bones, the disappointment of losing what was so meaningful to me and then contemplate an uncertain future. I am frightened. I can’t breathe, O God, I can’t breathe.

Standing among the Ruins

29 05 2009


There are moments in our life when we are called to stand among the ruins of all that befall us. As we look around at what was and what no longer is we wonder, only the strongest parts are still standing and they will stand forever.

Is it possible to rebuild upon those parts or should we contemplate what was and move on with the knowledge of what stood the test of time and incorporate it into rebuilding somewhere else? In life I guess we can do either one.

For those of you who had that experience I would love to hear what it was like and which route you decided to take. I have never seen anyone who reconstruct a ruin and succeed, have you?

Healing Sounds

27 05 2009

I tried to write all day with no success, too much going on, too much noise and the thoughts and emotions escalate to heights I never thought or felt before. So I decided not to worry about until now, the day is almost over and I need to let go of some thoughts as I prepare myself to try to sleep a full night for a change.

I heard that exercise helps to relax and to uplift moods, I need that. I walked for 25 minutes, got on my medicine ball and then danced for while. Now is my mind that needs to relax, writing will do while I listen to Yanni to block all the noise outside my bedroom door. I let the vibration of the music to resonate deep within and hopefully it will stimulate me towards a “better rhythm.”

I am going to leave you here one that I love, enjoy it!

The Anchor Holds

27 05 2009


26 05 2009


Shattered, looking back at what once was but that lies broken at my feet. Rises up with power but the image is not quite the same. Uneasy feeling of loss and hurt, pain and sorrow, bleeding through the wounds. Shadows, smoking mirrors is all I see. Even if mended it will forever show the millions cracks under the skin, reminder of a fatal blow. If there is a resurrection I want to know but haven’t seen one yet. Lord rise me up to you and heal me you are my only hope, you who love so perfectly and forgive while you forget.

Never Let Go

25 05 2009

I don’t believe in coincidences, there is so much heavenly assistance around, specially in times in trials. I am so out of tune sometimes but as the trials get harder so does my senses and intuition. I still don’t know exactly what to do, but The Guardian movie grabbed me and the the words “Never let go” echo in my mind. The storms come crashing in threatening all, at times it ceases and then it hits with fury once more. What stood firm in time began to grow weak and faced with giant waves it now seems to be at risk. Where is that fine line between letting and not letting go? Is it in our mind, heart or soul? Perhaps it is in all three.

I am trying really hard not to make and undo able mistake. I look for a point of reference and can’t find any, perhaps I am called to create it. What kind of message am I to give myself, my children, the world? Unrelenting love, values and the undeniable acceptance of human weakness. A tug of war of emotions, memories, hopes and dreams. It all slips away or does it? Never let go; of all that gives meaning and purpose in life, of the fundamental values that shape my existence, of what helps move from the ordinary to the extraordinary. “No gall, no glory.” Fr. Corapi says this a lot. We are on battle ground and only the strong will survive. A lot of times our body has nothing to do with that, our mind and heart does, that is from where all strength spring forth and they push us to go on. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2. The battle is on and as the time goes on I wonder how much longer it will be before it ceases and who will ultimately be the victor.

River of Life

24 05 2009

That is where I need to be today, at the river of life. I will go to Jesus himself at Mass and when I receive Him he will be one with me, giving the strength to go on and guiding me to walk unto the path He has chosen for me.

Looking for the Light

23 05 2009

Three days have past and not one meal consumed, not sure if I am fasting or just looking to drift away. I hurt, I pray, I cry, I breathe deeply before I lose my strength. I feel like on a merry-go-round, wanting it to stop and get off and at the same time someone pushes it so it won’t stop. All I consume is liquids and my mouth still feels dry, my body gets hot then cold. Last night I could sleep thanks to Melatonin otherwise it would have been like the two night previous, still by 4:45 am I was already awake.

I came here to see a miracle, love the words, remember? I see them once more and suddenly a dim light appears in the horizon. I used to be the lighthouse now it is me who needs one.