Building almost from the ground up

30 01 2012

In the long and hard process of rebuilding a life from what it was to what it will be there is a way of getting to know myself and those around me. It is never a black and white situation in which I know what to do or think about all the dynamics of this process in order to move towards what I want my life to become. Sometimes is loaded of heart aches and disappointments but I’ve learned that it is when I go into it with a lot of expectations that this occurs. I have, little by little, begun to shed all of those thoughts of expectations and by doing so a lot of the past pain is less present in my life. I still have expectations but it has nothing to do with humanity, it has to be with the final destination which I want to reach within and in the universe. By letting go of human expectations I’ve been able to see more clearly reality around me. I realize that not everyone is going to be part of my journey or to offer me any comfort and I am okay with that. I walk along my path doing what my heart and soul wants and I understand that not everyone is going to be able appreciate it every time, but that is not my purpose when I give it away. Giving helps me grow in ways I never expected before and knowing that I am not withholding what’s inside me for fear or to protect myself liberates me.

There are certain satisfactions I can’t keep myself from offering others, to do so will be to bury the essence of who I am, and by satisfactions I mean acts mainly of service. What is given to me must be shared with others with no strings attached. In my opinion the more I give, the more is given back to me in one way or another. To have mental and emotional clarity is just what I need at this moment in this long journey. At times I think that certain people might be the ones that will have a long journey with me but all of the sudden I realize that not one person is meant to be there for you all the way through totally. We can’t depend on another human being to withstand the test of time in this arduous work that is meant to be a personal journey toward the unknown. Some people are there for you along the way and they manage to be “present” in the parts of one’s life but it is only in a fragmented way, they come in and out as their time allow them because they also have a long journey of their own and that is the one that they need to be constantly present at.

I wish I could say that I am glad at this moment in my life because it will take to encounter another human being who can share the many blessings I receive. To me it will be to be given the opportunity to be with someone who is willing to share his mind, body and soul, someone who allows me to be present along his journey in the same place of the universe. This time I will not pretend that it will be forever but I will like for it to be for as long as our paths align with each other’s progress along our life. To be opened to another human being is to trust that the other is totally aware that you are an important part of their earthly journey, someone who can contribute something you want and need in order to be nurtured and supported. I don’t believe we can be alone; we need the warmth and caring from one another at so many different levels during our existence. It has been an awful long time for me to be at this stage but I understand that there is a process and the longer I take to understand it, the longer it will be for me to reach or identify that special someone in my life journey. I do feel I’m getting closer and though it still hurts when I fail, I am not burden with the load of negative feelings like in the past. I try not to judge myself or others, things and people are just the way they are and they will be or go towards what they need to in order to complete their journey.

Rebuilding almost from the ground up is to be able to take what I’ve constructed and destroyed until now and to make it, in so many ways, into what is meant to be. The way I know if it is right is by closing my eyes and going within; if I feel tranquil I am on the right track. Turbulence, anxiety, guilt or stress means only one thing, not been where I was meant to be.

Clary Lopez
January 29, 2012

On My Hands

10 09 2011

In the realm of all that is and all that will be there is a undeniable reality that most of I want is already on my hands. I don’t believe that my inspirations and most sincere sentiments are there to be voided, silenced, controlled… In all of creation we are the only ones who have the power to think and act, to create and recreate our life. I am at that point, recreation. It is a time of reflection of deep longing and of uncertainty. It is my chance to have what I really want and to grow in all directions.

At this point I have certain goals and desires and the first steps are already in motion. But at the same time I am deeply connected to my intuition, I don’t want to ignore it this time. Sometimes in life we force our way through, we cling to things and people who are not good for us, we hang from ideas that have not worked for a very long time and we try to hold on when we should let go. That we make a commitment doesn’t mean that the other person has done the same thing, it hurts to come to that reality but it is best to open our eyes and move on. Our view of love and commitment is not the same but it should ultimately be to make each other happy. I am letting go, and in that let go I am also setting myself free, free to experience what life has to offer and to become what I must become.

In this new reality of wonderful things that God has for me, I am opening my hands in order to receive all that was supposed to be mine long ago and that somehow I did not realize. In life sometimes we give up, let go, hold on, try to capture things and people who were not meant for us. I believe that is why they get out of our hands, it is a sign that what we thought it was, isn’t. There is no reason on earth, even our love for them, to make them stay. I don’t believe in threats, conditions, trials and promises. I believe in love, honesty, self-giving and action. The day I have to sit down with someone to ask them to show or prove to me their sincerity, loyalty, friendship, or love for me is the day that I know for sure none of it exists. All of that and more is demonstrated to us in our daily interactions and should not be imposed or demanded from anyone because it should flow freely from their heart and soul.

Nothing gives makes me happier than to have on my hands; my future, my dreams, and my hopes. It is a treasure but this time I won’t give it away, I will share it. My heart is opened to the great possibilities a new life entails and I know it will be great. What else could I ask for?

Pretty Incredible

8 10 2010

I have to admit it, even if I don’t want to, but life is pretty incredible. Full of unexpected moments, amazing people and unforgettable moments. In a split of a second you can be living your now, your past or dream of your future. There are so many things that affect the way I think and feel and yet at the end I hold the bargaining chip. One thing I really don’t like is when I have no saying in whatever situation, when someone else steps in and kind of scattered whatever is going on at the moment and changes everything. I’m left with a sense of loss and frustration because of all of the sudden the moment is out of my hands, into eternity. Who knows what would have happened next, and all I can do is wait and see.

I was in the situation long time ago and my expectations were never achieved because someone came in between and altered the moment. I reproached that person a few times but I was told that if it was really meant to be it would have come around one more time. Maybe it was the truth, maybe it wasn’t. Some things in life only comes once. Now that I think about it I began to understand that it was at that moment that my romantic relationship formation began to be formed, very traumatically.

Life is a journey while love is the path, our understanding of love affects the way I travel along that journey I am supposed to move towards my ultimate goal. It is not the same when the path is unblocked and smooth than when is full of obstacles and challenges. One learn not to do and protect themselves along the way according to past experiences. The more negative the experiences, the person turns more enclosed. The more positive, the more open and relaxed.

I’ve been reminded of how liberating it could be to speak freely of what I feel, without given it a second thought, however we are conditioned to do exactly the opposite along our life. Our real self is not as well accepted by many and before we know it, we are hiding behind a well guarded mask because that is what the world is able to handle and see. Nobody wants to look at the reality of other individuals, it feels uncomfortable sometimes. Individuality is okay until you come into others “space” or want to share a life with them.

All in all I have to say how incredible it is to tap into certain areas of our life and be able to dig out new information, emotions, feelings. It is like renewing the soul, like giving it something it missed before and longed for and yet that did not need in order to survive. In time everything and everyone finds a way to go on, for better or worse. Sometimes even to repeat the same mistakes from past but others carefully guarding themselves not to.

What is your experience?

Personal Liberty

7 03 2010

“We are at liberty to be real or to be unreal, we may be true or false, the choice is ours. We man now wear a one mask now and now another and never if we so desire appear with our own true face. But we can not make these choices with impunity, causes have effects and if we lie to ourselves and to others then we can’t expect to find the truth and reality whenever we happen to want them.” – Thomas Merton


When was the last time you had the courage to show everyone who you truly are?

When was it that you completely forgot about to conform to others expectations and concentrated on your own?

I know for myself that it was a very long time, and at times I question if it is possible to unveil the reality without fear. One thing I need to learn is that God made me in a certain way with talents, character, emotions, physical traits, and intellect and there is no excuse to bury it all nowhere to be seeing just to conform to or to preserve the peace. To a point it is a slow death because what is meant to be, grow and transform in and around us comes to a halt.

Trials serve as a way to prune ourselves and kick start our journey to where we are supposed to go to begin with. It is a wake-up call to start living instead of being complacent with our automated way of day to day living. It is shaking in our soul and awakening of our conscious awareness that something is not quite right. To me it is sometimes unforgivable that I have let this happen, but then again I am glad that I have the power to start all over.

Motivated not Manipulated

3 01 2010

Everyone has their dreams and desires, everyone wants something from their life and expect certain things from others when in reality all we are entitled to is NOTHING. Really, my life is a long list of expectations from myself, my family and friends. No more, I will not be manipulated into anything unless I feel I am ready to move forward and I won’t say anything that I don’t really mean to make someone happy.

Brand New

29 12 2009

The end of the year approaches and with it the thoughts, purpose and desires to make it better than the last. New year resolutions are ancient traditions we have tried to practice year after year. I say try because sometimes we fail to accomplish everything we set out to do. I think is has to do with looking at our circumstances realistically and not measuring our commitments accurately, it happen to me many times.

I believe all of us have changed tremendously in the past few years, our hard economic situations has brought us back to the basics and many are starting all over again. We have learned what is truly important and dispose of what is not. We are concentrating our energy in learning more about ourselves and what we are really supposed to do in life. We are finding new meaning and value in the gifts God has given us and are utilizing them for our benefit. We are more aware of our surroundings and what is going on in this world in order to find the flow we should go this time around and survive.

This year my whole life changed and I’ve been on a completely new terrain that God set before me. For a while I did not know in which capacity I would be able to contribute in the regular work force; all I knew what to do was to raise a family, teach my kids, write and work from home. I had no worries. When the storm came all of that changed in a flash and it was obvious my life would never be the same even if I wanted to. Change is the word of the present moment and one I am trying to get accustomed to since I have been so used to stability. I have to admit it is scary at times but as the time goes by I realize it is a necessary evil in order to move forward. It is not easy to change outlooks and habits, it is painful at times. If I am learning something this year is to go more with my intuition, looking back I noticed how many times I ignored it and that is the reason why so many of my heartaches spring forth. I know I’m not the only one who does this, most of us think that those things are childish and that you only do it when you are young and have no responsibilities, at least I did. We should not change so dramatically when we decide to share our life with someone else, there is no need to recreate something that was real. There should always be a mutual respect and admiration for who we are and what we stand for and encourage the other to grow in all directions in order to accomplish a common goal with gladness.

In 2010 I know there will be a lot of stretching, fine tuning and adjusting, it already began. It will be a year to face fears, to take risks and chances, to embrace who I truly am and love it. It will be a chance to be innocent again without the thought that is childish. It will be a year to be true to myself and not try to tone down who I am to please anyone. It will the year that if someone loves me will embrace me just the way I am, without being ashamed or threaten by it.

How do you think your 2010 would look like? What changes are you going to make?

I wish all of you a great 2010, one that shines beyond your imagination!!

Esoteric Realms

21 09 2009


I yearn for silence, for solitude, for those moments when my mind is detached in such a way that is able to fly and go places I have never being and I understand in ways it was impossible before. It is a ray of light illuminating my mind, my heart and soul and then the thoughts, emotions, and words are free to flow easily. It hasn’t been the case for a long time now, I lost track of time in the middle of turmoil, noise and pain. I need to get it back somehow. I’m coming back to the original place where all seem to be so right and creativity flourished almost effortlessly. It is never in total isolation but in the sharing of like minds and thoughts that somehow sustain and inspire to create even more. It is to find that connection of the seen and unseen that completes the picture many times. I am not sure who would understand, perhaps only those who have experience or yearn to experience the same. I don’t believe it is a unique gift but it is something few touch upon because those few are the ones with enough courage to claim the space they need to experience it. It is not easy sometimes, especially when there are so many other things out of control and most of the time we want to control them. In the end the one who suffer is the one with their wings tied up.

Words are like the air I breathe, without them flowing I feel like dying. There are integral to my well being and my health, it is not good to bottle up emotions, anger and hate. A volcano can not be contained. I am afraid that is what I have done as the tremors shook deep within loosing up the soil and fragmenting what used to be solid. It is new terrain, one that I am sure in time can be even better than it was. Dreaming gives hope and refreshes the soul, it is something to look forward to even though we don’t know the way. It is taking one step at a time expecting to succeed. Not everything fall on a straight line, and everything that does not works out fine all the time, the more delightful rides sometimes are the ones on a scenic route even though it takes longer. I can’t keep starring at the many curves, turns and crossroads while I miss the view around me. I need to stop and walk slowly in order not to miss the details of what is trying to touch me and transform me.

I see an open gate, a cool fresh dawn before me and a inspiring breeze letting me know I am still alive. I close my physical eyes and open my inner vision, then I breathe in. The tension goes away and rushing through comes my long forgotten friend, inspiration. Where has it been? Why it took so long? Why did I let it go? Who said I could control my fate, or what others decide to do in the end? Who said I would never get hurt again? It was a really good try, a good run, one I thought I won but found myself instead with an empty shell. There is an ideal but never an absolute, there is always a way to find the way.

To be Sincere

29 06 2009

I need to keep writing, if I don’t you soon will stop coming here but at the same time, what do you do when the words just won’t come out? It has been almost six weeks and I still don’t find a internal balance in order to draw something worthwhile from within. It is like a dark night of some sort in which nothing is clear but at the same time I am forced to keep walking on. There is hardly time to rest and when I do is not for very long. Images, thoughts and sadness overwhelm me sometimes bringing me to tears. I know with time all will pass but what I ignore is how long this journey will take.

Life is all about growth, change and transformation is always evolving and moving us from where we are to where we are supposed to be. Sometimes we go with it but at others times we hang on to what is comfortable and familiar, we are afraid to leap into the unknown even when the unknown might be something better. I don’t have all the answers and yet I want to make all the decisions. When I decide to let go is when I really move forward and when I want to move forward I feel frozen in time. The Lord is taking me out of my familiar surroundings and teaching me to let go, trusting that the work already done will now be put to the test. There is no more controlling in some regards and that will help some people to show what they are truly made of for the very first time. Whatever is, is and I will learn to accept it. At this time it is about learning to think about me for a change and not to feel responsible for someone else’s actions or inaction.

To be sincere I don’t have much more to say, there is no easy to navigate on rough waters when you are on a tiny vessel. Somehow I know the water will calm and I will find my way to shore, in the meantime it is about handling the present moment.

Another Year

23 04 2009

Today is my Birthday!

The year began on a positive note, many new experiences in my life and even though I found myself on unfamiliar territory I found out that it was okay, I could handle it. I don’t need to always do and say the same things and a little change brought a freshness that my life was lacking at that moment. Life is a cycle and like many other times in my life I had to deal with some very familiar situations I wished I didn’t have to. Accepting what I could not changed doesn’t come easy for me but I had no choice but to accept it.

Fear took the best of me at times but in time I faced my demons, there was no way I could ignored them so I handled it to the best of my knowledge and ability. I looked for allies and with them I was able to see a little bit further than I could all by myself. The assurance was that all would be well in time, different maybe, but fine.

I lost something that was very valuable to me in this whole process, trust; trust in someone I trusted more than myself and that led me to a very painful awakening which hasn’t heal yet and I am not sure if it will ever will. Nothing will ever be the same, but we are not the same for very long anyway so I might just as well learn that.

I don’t look at the future with the same eyes anymore and that could be a good thing. Anything is possible and surprises could be just around the corner. I don’t expect bad things but I am not so naive anymore so it won’t take me by surprise. Situations manifest itself in many subtle and impacting ways in order to teach me something, so I will pay more attention from now on. I will learn the lessons and move on, in time I hope to graduate from this life to the next.

All in all I am thankful for this year, it has taught me a lot; that dreams come true, that I am truly alive, that I matter to many people, that my heart bleeds sometimes, that I am capable of powerful emotions, that I have faith and hope, that there is only one person I can trust, that there is always one person who TRULY loves me, that I want to fly, that I know I can and that one day I will.

So here it is, to another year. To hopefully many more and better ones than this one. Here it is to me and to all those I share my love and life with.



Creating Opportunity

16 04 2009

It just break my heart to see so many capable and dedicated people lose their jobs and possessions;their homes, their cars, their credit and sometimes even their relationships.

I am not sure if this a common practice, but I found out that some employers now check on candidates and employees credit reports in order to get hire or dismiss personnel. This brings a whole new set of situations to deal with when you find yourself out of work for too long. I don’t believe is fair that credit reports get so much weight on hiring decisions specially during these hard economic time. Most of the people are responsible with their credit at least paying the minimum amounts if they can. Credit card companies are so unwilling to work with their customers that they continue to raise their interest rates without any concern for the ultimate result, default. When a customer is having a hard time paying their debts but are willing to continue paying what they should do is reduce the interest rate and work towards a solution, it is much better than to have to write the account off and never get their money back. I believe this is an issue the government should also consider taking in, with this kind of domino effect on people’s financial state the economy will take a very long time to regain its strength.

If people is not able to find work the next thing to do would be to create and opportunity for themselves. This time could be turned into a blessing as we learn how to use our hard earned money. There is no doubt that somehow this period of time would be remembered by the time when we learned what is really important in our life and a deep understanding of the many blessings of living a simple life. Families are getting closer together as they try to help one another stay afloat. Our children for once learn that they can’t have everything in life and that they need to prepare for the unexpected.

I come from a family where hardships came and went, right from the start my parents looked to work with the ordeals that presented themselves in their life. There was always a moment when an important decision needed to be done in order to change the course of their financial situations and I believe the same thing happens to all of us.

My parents lived in a very small cottage far away from town when they first got married, it was a place who needed much work and his brother owned it, he let if fix it in exchange to live there for free for two years. They had no water or electricity, my dad would come with a tank of water in the back of the truck every afternoon after work and I was just a newborn. I can not imagine having to wash dirty diapers and clothes by hand, cook and clean without potable water but that is what my mother did. Then all the sudden my dad hit the lottery and got enough money to purchase 5 1/2 acres of land. He gave a deposit and with the rest of the money built a small house. They lived there a few years while he work as an excavator operator for someone else. He noticed how busy they were and the phone would not stop ringing for more and more work to be done. At that time the property purchase agreement was coming to an end and he decided to sell it instead. He had divided the lot in two; one empty and the other with the house. With the sale money he had enough to buy another home or a brand new excavator to begin working on his own. He consulted my mom about it and my mom told him to go ahead with the business idea instead and she would move in with her parents and me and my dad to his parents for a while. But the lawyer who sold the lot to him had another property pending in his investments and wanted my dad to see it. My dad liked it but had no money but $1,000 after buying the excavator to cover for the payments just in case he could not get work. The lawyer went ahead and bought the house and offered it to him with the $1,000 down payment and a $500 payment every six months for 3 years. So my dad would let go of the $1,000 he offered to lend him the money back if he needed it at any time if he had no work to cover for the excavator’s payment. Well, my dad didn’t have to borrow the money he had enough business to make the payments and his business began to grow from there. From one excavator he expanded to a few different equipments that he bought as he got jobs for them, many times he would get a contract and then buy the equipment needed to complete it and most of the time with the rental of the equipment the machine was practically paid off. It wasn’t long before he then bought a better and bigger home closer to town. Every 5-7 years he would move to a better place. He invested his profits in more properties, some land and some with houses in that way he was able to get loans against the properties if needed or sell them in order to expand or survive. He has so much work that at one point instead of continuing to grow his business his brothers began to buy equipment also and he began to pass work to them. Today most of the family owns and operates heavy equipment and transportation trucks. My two brothers are two top operators for a company in the United States.

Changes always bring a whole new spectrum in our life; we can be affected emotionally as well as financially and my parents lived through it too. When they decided to move to the United States they left behind all they had built for 20 years, but at the time it was what they thought needed to do. It wasn’t long when they realized that they couldn’t make it here and went back to the island to begin all over again. Hard work and determination helped him build his business again, but by that time other big companies started to move in to the island and in the next 10 years the business began to decline. He concentrated in real estate then and with that he has been able to survive. What I want to say here is that we need to pay close attention to the trends and changes and continuously look for ways to put our energy and talents into something that will be of service to others. Do not keep looking at what you lost but look at what you have, what’s lost is lost and only looking forward you will be able to create something that will work and provide the necessary means to sustain yourself and your family.

Tell me your thoughts. What do you think these times are teaching you?