Early Morning

26 04 2010

It was a stormy night, full of thunder and lightning, not letting me sleep. The rain fell hard washing away some thoughts of unhealthy memories while holding on to others. I drifted in and out of my dreams of being embraced by love. It is an ideal, I guess something we will always long for in some manner, way, shape or form. It is sublime at times, but very briefly and then -in my experience- challenged to sustain itself against the storms. I wish I knew if that is the case for most of us because sometimes I wonder. The sensations are able to sustain us for a lifetime but the hurt last an eternity, sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it. Then again I look back and realize that without it our existence would be so trivial and insignificant. In those brief moments of love we gain a million heartbeats…

It’s my Birthday

22 04 2010

I’ll be darned, another year. This one seemed way too long, it went so slow and I had to deal with some many new and unexpected circumstances that I had no choice but to grow in many different ways. At times there were virtues I did not have what I have to dig out and develop, like patience and understanding. Then it was emotions like anger and sorrow. There is a lot we as humans have to deal with along the course of a lifetime, some pleasant and some not so pleasant and it seems that we have little choice about whatever happens half the time.

There was one good thing that came out of the challenges and it was the opportunity to not be so lonely. I get to work in an office part-time and put my talents to work and hopefully be helpful to other people. I also propel myself to develop a business for myself in addition to my love for writing. The year for big time changes and transformation, it is not something new but it continues to flow right along taking me to my destiny. What that will be it is still unknown but I am going with my instinct which it was ignored for so long.

I wish I could be in front of the shore letting the breeze caress my skin and then at night see the moon reflected on the water. The cool sand under my feet sinking all my worries and pain. I had my brief moments of happiness and joys and celebrations of ending pain for my mom and her treatments for cancer, this day she celebrates one year of being in remission on my birthday!! That is a joyful occasion indeed, one I’m thankful to God for but I keep wondering about the time I keep wasting by not being closer physically to her. Living in different countries is really hard still, I don’t think I will ever get used to be so far away.

What I would like for my birthday? Nothing material will satisfy this yearning I have inside, the longing for clarity and joy, a joy that would be lasting. Being pure spirit would release me from the chains that feel so heavy sometimes but that time has not come. I know that each and every experience is invaluable and in the long run it will help me be fruitful in some way and I am patiently for that time to come. I can’t believe I am saying patiently because I am very impatient most of the time. 😉

It will be really nice to be a little silly and fun for one day! To jump out of bed and do whatever the heck I want without thinking, can I do that? 🙂

Well, another year and I have to be thankful that I am alive, healthy and that all my family is also. I continue to pray for my kids’ protection wherever they might be since they are getting to do their own thing now or on half the other side of the world from me, and hopefully what I instilled in them will be consulted every once in a while. But who am I kidding? They are having fun now!! Let them and keep my fingers crossed that they will survive just like I did. At least if they are happy, so am I. Happy Birthday to me.

To me, to another year, another chance to become better, to continue to grow and to get closer to my destiny, whatever the heck that is!! lol


About Loss

19 04 2010

On Saturday my uncle passed away. Even though he was in a coma we were all praying for a miracle. Back in December when he was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, he knew his time was short. After seeing his children one by one and seeing that they were all fine he was ready to go, but his brothers and sisters and extended family was not. It kills me to be so far away from them, out of the country and unable to do a thing. His younger brother took on the task to care for him 100% and in the process was getting sick himself. Sick of looking at how his dear brother’s life slipped away from him even though he was giving his all, even though he cried out to God. I have no idea how the last moments of his life were, or who was with him. All I know is that I saw the status my cousin’s status on Facebook and it expressed his pain for his parting.

I remembered all the moments we spent together and I started looking in my computer for pictures of him, it was from three years ago when I visited home and we took the time to pose for pictures with each and every single member of our family. At the time it was a way to make sure my mom would have pictures of everyone since I was bringing her with me after she was diagnosed with cancer as well. Thank God that her treatment worked and she is now in remission but back then they thought they would never see her again. I looked at the picture and I saw my uncle’s smile, now that I think about it I always saw him smile, I never saw him sad or mad. That is the image I will have of him. I heard that there was a special Mass said for him where the priest spoke beautifully of him and that tomorrow the Firemen at the Fire Station where he volunteered ever since he got out of the ARMY will have a big Honoring Ceremony in his memory. I am glad. It consoles me that he touched so many lives and that his life work and dedication transcended his family.

But for some reason I also was very torn and sad, mainly because I realize how the living sometimes are good as dead in their relationships with others, because they are so disconnected with each other and because they don’t care many times about the pain they cause to others. That absence hurts me deeper than losing someone I love to death, it feels like a slap on the face, like being used for the time being or for the momentary personal situation they are going through and then they quickly forget about my existence. It hurts more than death. It makes me wonder about how we love or say we love one another, how easy we utter the words but how short we come up to demonstrate that love. Oh, if everyone would know how much it hurts. But what can I do other than to try to forget and move on, to cut my losses and not expect anything from anyone but myself because that is the only person I can control? Most of all I have to learn to heal my wounds and hope that the lacerations don’t get infected with resentment and lose my hope and optimism. Not everyone is the same and there are some really good people, like my uncle, out there that with their actions demonstrated that one person can make a big difference and that this world is a better place just for having witnessed and shared his life here on earth.

So to you, Nicodemo, I salute you for your outstanding example and I know that from Heaven you are smiling, even though all we can do now is cry your physical absence. Until we see each other again.

Love always,
Your niece


13 04 2010

I wish I come here more often, the words have bottled up for so long but there isn’t much time in a day to slow down and get them out. When I do sit down to write I find myself thinking of the same themes and thoughts I had a year ago, I guess nothing much has changed which worries me, because by now something different must be happening inside but it has not. I feel like floating in space going around and around the same objects with nowhere to land.

Time alone and to reflect is what moved me to dig deep within before but I am trying to drown my worries I am keeping as busy and occupied as I can. In the long run is not good for me, I know. Starting today I will do my best to isolate myself from time to time. Being in the desert of my being I can see things more clearly and the words emerge effortlessly. I also need to finish a project I have been holding on to for too long and let it fly, wherever that might be. I need to revisit the places I was exploring before and see if there has been any changes also, I am sure it has. Most of all I need to give voice to my needs and wants in order to obtain them.

I see in the horizon a new possibility but I am immobilized, I don’t believe it is my call to do so. I hate to be labeled for it, so I will wait to come my way if it is what is meant to be. All I know is that inspired me to be the best that I could be and even expanded the way I saw myself and what I could do. It was a wonderful feeling, I felt alive and creative. But I will leave it at that and let God move things in the way he knows is best for me, in the meantime I will receptive to his promptings.


6 04 2010

I am digging into my old blog entries, times when I was truly inspired and moved to be write often. Music served for reflections, and some thoughtful comments on my own. If you are new to this blog it might be interesting to you, if you have read it before maybe now you think differently. Share your thoughts and tell me what you think of this one.