A forced meditation

3 05 2015

Lady-giving-thanks

Meditation used to be part of my daily routine, in time life took me into a war I had to fight hard and long to survive, and meditation took the back seat. After I resolved most of my personal issues related to my divorce and the big change in my life, I could not find the right time and place for meditation. The time I used to spend to mediate helped me to be sane, whole, clear and focus in the past. I attribute my mere survival during my difficult marriage to this practice. I know how important it is for our spiritual well-being, for our mind and soul. We are more than just a body and maintaining a balance is important for our health.

In my busy life schedule these days I kept neglecting the fact that I have a soul that I need to attend to.  God in his infinite wisdom has done everything to slow me down, to provide for me, to care for me in ways I never expected and still I did almost nothing to get back to meditation. Well, the ultimate happened last night, I lost my voice. I don’t remember ever getting sick and losing my voice. Last night was very important to me and at the end I struggled to used the last sounds from my vocal cords to express how I felt after a bitter disappointment. My hopes and dreams were shot down once more, I have no idea what else to do. Today I can’t emit a sound and even though it was a beautiful clear day outside I went nowhere. I watched Super Soul Sunday, and guess what was the theme today, meditation.

So here I am, writing to you and reflecting upon all that had happen to take me up to this moment. What is the purpose of having one of the most essential body functions taken away from me, my voice, and forcing me to silence in order for the spirit to be heard from within?  I have to admit that I love God but lately I am getting resentful of the love I’ve been denied of. I know he knows best and at the same time I keep pushing to have control over it. I don’t believe in crossing my arms and do nothing about what could be the rest of my life. I am afraid to surrender, I am a relentless fighter and giving up is not my forte, but what am I to do when the most desired prize feels unattainable? Believe it or not, I am meditating right now, I pause in between the words as they appear on the screen and I breathe in deeply… I must give up and surrender. I have to drop all my weapons to the ground, take off my shield and walk out defenseless unto whatever it is I will face. I feel like I am walking into the arena to be devoured by the lions. I guess the answer is Trust. I have to admit that I am afraid to trust, I’ve been hurt so many times because of it. I realize that it has not been my fault; I can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, integrity, and honesty.  I see no other alternative but to trust right now;  I am tired, disappointed, sad and stripped of options here. I SURRENDER LORD, I yield to your will in my life. I put on your loving hands my dreams and desires, the love I so yearn to feel here on earth. I am dropping all my battle gear to the ground, I stand vulnerable before you so that you can clothe me with LOVE. You know how difficult this is for me. You made me a warrior in order to help me survive all my battles so far but this one belongs to YOU, you want to fight it for me and I will let you do it.





Another year, another blessing…

23 04 2015

Another year of life, another blessing. Today is my birthday and as I reflect upon the many experiences I have lived, I thank God for all the good and bad, for the highs and the lows and for giving me the strength to go on. He cares for me constantly, my most faithful partner in life and protected me from harm during my most recent car accident. There has been changes in my life, my world has been shaken once more and for now life is a little different. I trust it is for my best interest and in time I will know his intentions.

Sometimes we pray for a deep longing in our heart to be satisfied; it is interesting see how God respond to it. I am still yearning to understand his ways… He liberated me during this past year and I am emerging stronger than ever. There is no challenge I have not been able to overcome with his help, and I feel closer and closer to his spirit within me. At times I look outside of my being and feel lonely but then I realize that the love and treasures are inside of me. I shine like the stars and smile fully, I am alive! My gifts an talents surface and I flow with it with ease as I bask in his blessings.

I know there is still more coming, I am open, waiting in joyful hope. I know not what he has in store for me, but whatever or whoever he is I know it will be great. At the end all I need is Him. Happy birthday to me, I continue to be reborn and transformed once more into what I am meant to be.

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The flow of life

12 04 2015

Life, death, accidents, sickness, break-ups and divorce they all could potentially be a painful turning point in the unfolding of our existence. I live long enough to experienced a few tragic moments and feeling it was the end of the world, but it wasn’t. Each one of them was a turning point; my life changing form, transformed before my eyes according to my reaction to it. I usually take a very long time before I act and decide to move in a different direction, then come moments in a “flash” that wipes all that has been familiar to me and everything around, and inside me is changed for good. That “flash” propels me to where I am supposed to be and to help me develop the unknown strength I possess. I might be complacent to where and how I am at the moment, but it ultimately is not my full potential or quality of living I am supposed to be enjoying. I realize it is a painful, uncomfortable and confusing situation not only to me but to others linked to me, but I hope and pray all those involved eventually evolve to where they too need to be with a new found strength and hope in their life.

As I move forward in a completely new terrain where new rules apply and where, at times, I feel completely lost, I find myself more and more receptive to where and how I should navigate my life in the uncertainty of a vast sea. The more I experience, the more in tune I am to myself. Intuition play a big part in this phase of my life and even though sometimes I ignore it or let others convince otherwise, at the end it is proven that intuition was 100% correct. Wishful thinking is part of my survival at times, negating reality but little by little and hit by hit I am learning to trust my God given gifts.

I can’t deny that at times, all hope is lost even though I don’t want to. Only God knows what is in stored. Perhaps I must be striped of all in order to regain it. I don’t know. It is all a blur right now. Just when I though the fog was lifting up, shadows surround me once more. It is what it is, the flow of life; uncertain, and unpredictable. One day all will be full circle and I will look back and understand the journey…





Partnership or dictatorship

8 03 2015

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It could happen to anyone. We are raised with certain customs and assumptions when it comes to love and marriage. Love is something we all want in our life and at the same is so fleeting today. I believe that what we know about relationships has a big part on the kind of relationships we develop with each other.

I was young, naive and ill equipped to know what a good relationship looked like. I followed on the steps of an old society that had nothing to do with the current era and I assumed I was doing the right things. What I failed to realize, I came to understand almost three decades later when I faced my failed relationship. Life is a classroom, I learn by my mistakes, by the chances I take and by the experiences I gain. There is no wishful thinking at work here, life it is what it is, good or bad reality and as I deal with it.  But I also learned that life is also exactly the way I think about it. I can choose to see a glass half full or half empty.

Happy and successful relationship are to be partnerships not a dictatorship.  That was a lesson I had not learned before I began the most important relationship of my life, my marriage. I gave total control of my life to someone who did not have my best interest in mind but his own. I am still questioning a lot of things but unlike in the past, I don’t blame myself anymore. The problem with a dictatorship relationship is that you are constantly blamed for everything, the dictator never takes responsibility for the outcomes of his acts. I have come to an understanding that I surrendered my power to someone else voluntarily in order to maintain the peace I longed for my kids and me.  I paid a very high price for that peace and at the end everything fell apart anyway. I want to believe that there was good reason for it all and that is not too late to experience what a true partnership is all about. I am positive, happy, moving forward as I wait for that moment.

When someone expects everything  from you without “serving” you in return you are in a dictatorship. This is the way a lot of our grandparents lived decades ago. That was all I was familiar with, even though I saw a little serving from my dad to my mom when I was young. Now years later I saw my dad’s  total giving and serving to my mother while she was diagnosed with a Lymphoma was a true example of what a partnership in marriage is. She deserves his total dedication because she has done exactly the same for him.

In this day and age, being single again had put me face to face with a lot of selfish individuals. People who live behind thick “walls” to keep distance from one another. People who do not know how to “serve” without expecting anything in return and fearing they will be taken advantage of. Past experiences are part of their mentality but we can’t be boxed in the past, as long as we do, we’ll  missing on the great possibilities ahead. I know well how scary it could be to put yourself out there with the possibility to be hurt again, I’ve felt it. However, if I don’t, I would not be living. Being armed with my new learned knowledge from my success and failures will pave my future. I trust myself and my ability to create a great partnership next time around. It took a long time but the rewards will be measured to the way I continue to be true and faithful to whom I am and the immense value of my soul. Nobody can steal that from me and nobody will pressure me to give it randomly without any kind of personal evaluation of the person who might want to be part of my life. True loving partnerships are awesome and that is what I want for my life, I won’t settle for anything less and neither should you. My life had to be completely destroyed in order to rebuild it the right way, with God by my side guiding me every step of the way. He is showing me what real love is about and how it should be expressed. His love for me and his constant presence in my life is the measure I will use for my next relationship. I might have to wait a while but there is a lot to do in the meantime and I trust his time knowing that he knows exactly what I deserve to get in this life.





Love is in the air

11 02 2015

Valentine’s Day, candy, flowers, dinners, fun times together… or is it? On this Valentine’s day I look forward to enjoy a long weekend, no expectations. Life is too short to start looking for specific actions and reactions from those around me. Love is something I try to give to the ones I love on a daily basis, not just on Valentine’s Day. I wait for daily blessings, for time together, for the presence of those I care no matter the day or time. It is the smile, the twinkle in the eye when they see me and how silly and spontaneous we can be together that I enjoy the most.

So love is in the air everyday, know that others want to feel that love also more than just in Valentine’s Day and help it grow with your authentic self, with your smile, with your embrace, without demands or expectations. It just flows and grows when your heart is open, sincere and at peace with who you are. God will help you see and feel the love of your life, don’t doubt, just trust that even though sometimes we question certain things is because  we might feel afraid of letting someone touch our hearts. It is a sacred space and believe me, it is better to share it.  Happy Valentine’s Day!!! Romantic-HD-Wallpaper





Worlds apart

10 01 2015

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When I travel, many times I find myself thinking about how other people live in different parts of the world. I imagine living in that place and I wonder the conversations, daily living and customs of that particular place in time. Many times it is a completely opposite on the way I am living in both extremes of the spectrum. Life is static if I make it so, if I start to hold myself from changes and new experiences. There is a lot of potential for change and improvement if I only take a chance at things. A simple smile to someone I don’t even know as I walk in the mall, a warm welcoming to someone who sits next to me at church, it all can trigger a complete set of events other than if I just mind my own business and don’t reach out to humanity and to the world around me.

Living alone brings a whole new set of dynamics I am not accustomed to. For me it is a hard and painful process at times but one I need to master for a while. This is not going to be forever. Since it was so hard to get someone who did not deserve to be next to me out of my life, I realize that now it is very hard at times to let someone else step in, and at the same time I long for the right person to come and do what it takes to whisk me off my feet. That time is so close, I can feel it. In the meantime I continue to improve myself in all the different areas of my life. For me the most important is my spiritual and emotional state.
Love grows in fertile terrain and I want to be as caring, free and loving as I can be to welcome a whole new life full of experiences that will help both of us grow in so many facets. We could be worlds apart in many dimensions of our existence but when we come together those worlds will merge and recreate a whole new place for us. Today I will meditate on that, this reflection came to me without much effort on my part and I believe because of that it came from a higher power in order for me to linger within at it and pull the true meaning of my existence and purpose in this world. What is your experience with the world? What do you imagine your life will be? How do you get there?





Good-bye 2014

30 12 2014

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The year is almost coming to an end. 2014 brought so many good and few bad things but overall it was the year I would never forget. My patience, knowledge, learning skills, faith, hopes and dreams were developed and some of it flourished. I learned that I am much stronger than I thought and that I can survive in the face of so many unjust and undeserved situations. It’s all good, is all behind me.

Among the good and awesome things that happened I got to be reunited with my son after 4 long years. I have no idea how we managed to stay apart that long but it wasn’t our choice and finally we embraced each other. Being a mother is one of biggest blessings God has bestowed upon me. I can’t imagine my life without any of my children. Life has changed for all of us but we are making the best of it. This Christmas season gave me a much needed break from college and work and by doing so giving me the chance to redefine my life in terms of goals and dreams for my future. I can’t let life just casually happen, I want to be an active participant and to do what it takes to shape it into something I will enjoy for years to come. God has blessed me with so many opportunities and given me the tools, contacts and knowledge to make it really great. It is very exciting.

My family has been next to me every step of the way as I faced evil and for that I am eternally thankful. God has provided for me of so many things and has not failed me yet. I am patiently waiting for my final big blessing and I know it will come one day. In the meantime life goes on and I can’t stop living. Loneliness is not my cup of tea but at times it is exactly what I have to deal with and I need to accept it. I just pray that my heart doesn’t get hard and stays open.

I wish all of you a lot of happiness, health and joy in 2015. Share with me what your hopes and dreams are and how 2014 impacted your life. We all learn from each other and somehow because of that survive terrible situations and enjoy each others joys! To you, to us, to this world who needs much healing and for all those who won’t be with their families these New Year’s Eve. May God bless all of us and let us fill his love because if we do we need nothing else.








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