Embracing the unknown

12 07 2015

Life is a constant embrace of the unknown, I ┬ácan plan events and trace my path towards goals and desires but in the end I never know what will come. Recreating a life takes a lot of imagination, soul search and determination. I never knew how uncomfortable the unknown would be for me; shortly after regaining my freedom it seemed exciting, fresh… Now is becoming more of a surprise and uncertainty. I never know if I am doing the right things as I bump into areas I’ve not explored for a long time. I am digging deep within to get to know all the details that are important to remain in my life, and the one that must go. I wish I had more time to meditate but I am so busy doing a million things in order to move forward in different areas of my life that it doesn’t seem urgent, when it truly is.

One of my deepest desires is to know and do God’s will in my life, I don’t seem to know yet. I know that when I find peace within I am stepping into the right direction. At times I feel like abandoning all my dreams related to love but I then find myself deeply sad and nostalgic. If that is the route I should take, I definitely need to be at peace with it and feel happiness, but I’m not. So I guess it is not be yet.

One thing I realized yesterday is that the circumstances I am facing today are not the same I faced almost 30 years ago in reference to a relationship. There are more dynamics involved since I will have to deal with multiple past relationships from potential partners, something I don’t know how to handle and to be honest would not like to deal with. It is a reality and even though I am content with what is happening in the rest of my life, there is a little empty space within I can’t seem to fill with anything.

How do you deal with the unknown? How do you feel dealing with your partner’s past relationships and make it work for the two of you? What would the advantages be to remain single?

What is and What Will Be

18 06 2009

It was a long time coming, a time of big changes and transformation. From the familiar to the unknown and to bringing out the best I have to offer. It is not at all what I envisioned and yet I somehow expected it. I am letting myself be guided instead of steering the way I want to go, to stay in the same place doing what is familiar is the easiest thing to do but not what I am meant to do at this moment. The time is now and the door is open, I will walk through it and leave behind the previous comforts that cost me so much. I was excited at the beginning and then I stopped for a while and though about how my life will change, how I would lose some of the comforts and freedom I have enjoyed for so long but it is time, and I feel deep in my soul it comes from above. I must trust that God knows what is best at this time and moments of my life and learn not to question his ways.

I used to be impulsive and quick to act even after huge mistakes but now I have learned to stop and try to analyze what went wrong and wait for a sign before I move in a certain direction. This time I don’t want to shut myself, to fear or mistrust anything or anyone who is around me. Those who lost my trust will have to gain it back and time will tell if that is possible. I will no refuge myself on anyone but God and I won’t blame me for someone else actions. Nothing happens isolated from those who are part of my life but I can’t blame me for something I did not make a decision on.

Circumstances have changed the terrain I now walk on, what was smooth is fragmented and rocky but I must continue my journey and the destiny that only God knows at this time. It has not been revealed to me yet but I walk in faith and know that it time it will be, and it will be good because it is not of a design from my own fashion. I am not putting any strings, I am not expecting anything. In time it will be revealed to me. I feel at peace on that thought as I pushed aside my own agenda, my plans and what I thought was the ideal situation.

What is and what will be; there is hope, there is always hope when I wait and trust in God’s plan. I will be patient and will accept what he has in stored for me.

If I Am No Longer Here

12 01 2009


How many times in life do we feel like running away or escaping and undeniable reality? How many times we feel hurt and disappointed on ourselves, on others? How many times have we felt useless, unappreciated or just plain ignored?

I guess we all have moments like that in our life. It has been a long time since I felt this way. The last time I felt it, I wanted to runaway but the thoughts of my parents’ anguish stopped me. I always wondered what would have happen if I did.

Yesterday was a difficult day, as a matter of fact it has been building up for over a month and what makes things worst is the fact that I don’t take action. I feel pressured to do what I don’t want. I was told that this building up of emotions and my constant effort to suppress it is what makes it worst and perhaps it is true. The fact of the matter is that yesterday all burst to the surface and I exploded like never before. I needed to be heard once for all, what is the reason for me to be here? Is it worth all my sacrifice or dedication or would I continue to live my life in this void where I long to be appreciated in more ways than the physical? Sometimes I feel like shedding this body that covers everything I am. Would someone take a good look inside?

There is so much pretending in this house that it is becoming unhealthy. Everyone seems to have their own agenda and a long list of do and don’ts. A family should be a unit that is directed towards a common goal and based on love, unconditional love. We should all be happy when someone else is happy and not try to hold the other back just because you don’t happen to share the same interest and can’t participate in it. We all have various needs but I don’t believe there is a place for demands in love. You get what you inspire in others to give, nothing more. Perhaps this was the reason why I felt so bad yesterday. I haven’t been getting anything good lately, the way I see it and have been told is that I am the cause for all of this. It is so easy to point the finger and don’t look at the plank in their eye. Everyone needs to take responsibility here. That is why my thoughts of just disappearing were so appealing; one because I felt I was no longer needed and two because maybe by me not been here it might make someone realize who I am, what I do and if it is of any value to anyone.

Perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do but it is done and after looking at the reactions I decided to reflect and stay put for now. I don’t want anyone to have false expectations of me, what is, is. I can’t be forced to be someone I am not. Hopefully after this everyone will stop and think twice before they talk and take their time to appreciate one another just the way we are.

Naked Relationships

17 12 2007

Relationships are delicate and important for every human being. It is the way in which we connect, grow and are nurtured. We need human contact because without it we die slowly. Isolation is good for brief periods in order to go within and get to not only know ourselves but to ultimately connect to our creator. Before we can give ourselves to someone else in a relationship we must possess who we truly are. I wish I could tell you about what age this happens but it’s different for everyone. I guess it’s a personal realization that we have been fooled to believe that a state in life (single, married or in a relationship) will somehow makes us feel better about who we are and where we are going on our life journey. The truth of the matter is that we need to have a “naked relationship” with ourselves first before we can have one with anyone else. What do I mean by naked? Naked to me is bare of all the usual obstacles we put before those we interact and share our life with. No masks, no pretentions, no smoked mirrors so the other person can see who we are and freely decide to interact with us. Some of us feel scared to do something like that, it’s like going to battle without your weapons and your armor, risky. Many of us have been hurt one too many times to dare walk into a relationship without a cautious mind set, but it is that mind set that will cause us to go into another bad relationship. With every bad experience we choose one more weapon or protection to accompany us in our journey. Each attack leaves a wound, a scar, a fear. Our once soft heart becomes hard and cold even though deep inside it is as tender as it could be. Unless we find a way to peel the layers built up on it and begin again we will never be totally happy.

The beauty of a good relationship is that our soul somehow is free to merge with another without losing its individuality. It’s not to get lost in someone but to share yourself with the one you love. Before that can happen you need to be opened to the spiritual realm. I don’t believe this is something we do consciensely; we can’t decide who and how are we going to connect in our life, it just happens. We come across some incredible people in our life but unfortunately we are not going to be able to create a connection with them no matter how hard we try. I’m not sure what it is but then somehow we are able to connect to others and communicate with ease; our guard is down, our heart opened and our spirit free. I’m not sure if our disposition somehow facilitates these relationships but I believe it’s the ideal to build upon. Sometimes it takes a long time to get to this frame of mind or spiritual enlightment but I strongly suggest that you don’t get into a permanent relationship until you get it.