A forced meditation

3 05 2015

Lady-giving-thanks

Meditation used to be part of my daily routine, in time life took me into a war I had to fight hard and long to survive, and meditation took the back seat. After I resolved most of my personal issues related to my divorce and the big change in my life, I could not find the right time and place for meditation. The time I used to spend to mediate helped me to be sane, whole, clear and focus in the past. I attribute my mere survival during my difficult marriage to this practice. I know how important it is for our spiritual well-being, for our mind and soul. We are more than just a body and maintaining a balance is important for our health.

In my busy life schedule these days I kept neglecting the fact that I have a soul that I need to attend to.  God in his infinite wisdom has done everything to slow me down, to provide for me, to care for me in ways I never expected and still I did almost nothing to get back to meditation. Well, the ultimate happened last night, I lost my voice. I don’t remember ever getting sick and losing my voice. Last night was very important to me and at the end I struggled to used the last sounds from my vocal cords to express how I felt after a bitter disappointment. My hopes and dreams were shot down once more, I have no idea what else to do. Today I can’t emit a sound and even though it was a beautiful clear day outside I went nowhere. I watched Super Soul Sunday, and guess what was the theme today, meditation.

So here I am, writing to you and reflecting upon all that had happen to take me up to this moment. What is the purpose of having one of the most essential body functions taken away from me, my voice, and forcing me to silence in order for the spirit to be heard from within?  I have to admit that I love God but lately I am getting resentful of the love I’ve been denied of. I know he knows best and at the same time I keep pushing to have control over it. I don’t believe in crossing my arms and do nothing about what could be the rest of my life. I am afraid to surrender, I am a relentless fighter and giving up is not my forte, but what am I to do when the most desired prize feels unattainable? Believe it or not, I am meditating right now, I pause in between the words as they appear on the screen and I breathe in deeply… I must give up and surrender. I have to drop all my weapons to the ground, take off my shield and walk out defenseless unto whatever it is I will face. I feel like I am walking into the arena to be devoured by the lions. I guess the answer is Trust. I have to admit that I am afraid to trust, I’ve been hurt so many times because of it. I realize that it has not been my fault; I can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, integrity, and honesty.  I see no other alternative but to trust right now;  I am tired, disappointed, sad and stripped of options here. I SURRENDER LORD, I yield to your will in my life. I put on your loving hands my dreams and desires, the love I so yearn to feel here on earth. I am dropping all my battle gear to the ground, I stand vulnerable before you so that you can clothe me with LOVE. You know how difficult this is for me. You made me a warrior in order to help me survive all my battles so far but this one belongs to YOU, you want to fight it for me and I will let you do it.





Another year, another blessing…

23 04 2015

Another year of life, another blessing. Today is my birthday and as I reflect upon the many experiences I have lived, I thank God for all the good and bad, for the highs and the lows and for giving me the strength to go on. He cares for me constantly, my most faithful partner in life and protected me from harm during my most recent car accident. There has been changes in my life, my world has been shaken once more and for now life is a little different. I trust it is for my best interest and in time I will know his intentions.

Sometimes we pray for a deep longing in our heart to be satisfied; it is interesting see how God respond to it. I am still yearning to understand his ways… He liberated me during this past year and I am emerging stronger than ever. There is no challenge I have not been able to overcome with his help, and I feel closer and closer to his spirit within me. At times I look outside of my being and feel lonely but then I realize that the love and treasures are inside of me. I shine like the stars and smile fully, I am alive! My gifts an talents surface and I flow with it with ease as I bask in his blessings.

I know there is still more coming, I am open, waiting in joyful hope. I know not what he has in store for me, but whatever or whoever he is I know it will be great. At the end all I need is Him. Happy birthday to me, I continue to be reborn and transformed once more into what I am meant to be.

574





Partnership or dictatorship

8 03 2015

migdalia-arellano-tropical-resort-i

It could happen to anyone. We are raised with certain customs and assumptions when it comes to love and marriage. Love is something we all want in our life and at the same is so fleeting today. I believe that what we know about relationships has a big part on the kind of relationships we develop with each other.

I was young, naive and ill equipped to know what a good relationship looked like. I followed on the steps of an old society that had nothing to do with the current era and I assumed I was doing the right things. What I failed to realize, I came to understand almost three decades later when I faced my failed relationship. Life is a classroom, I learn by my mistakes, by the chances I take and by the experiences I gain. There is no wishful thinking at work here, life it is what it is, good or bad reality and as I deal with it.  But I also learned that life is also exactly the way I think about it. I can choose to see a glass half full or half empty.

Happy and successful relationship are to be partnerships not a dictatorship.  That was a lesson I had not learned before I began the most important relationship of my life, my marriage. I gave total control of my life to someone who did not have my best interest in mind but his own. I am still questioning a lot of things but unlike in the past, I don’t blame myself anymore. The problem with a dictatorship relationship is that you are constantly blamed for everything, the dictator never takes responsibility for the outcomes of his acts. I have come to an understanding that I surrendered my power to someone else voluntarily in order to maintain the peace I longed for my kids and me.  I paid a very high price for that peace and at the end everything fell apart anyway. I want to believe that there was good reason for it all and that is not too late to experience what a true partnership is all about. I am positive, happy, moving forward as I wait for that moment.

When someone expects everything  from you without “serving” you in return you are in a dictatorship. This is the way a lot of our grandparents lived decades ago. That was all I was familiar with, even though I saw a little serving from my dad to my mom when I was young. Now years later I saw my dad’s  total giving and serving to my mother while she was diagnosed with a Lymphoma was a true example of what a partnership in marriage is. She deserves his total dedication because she has done exactly the same for him.

In this day and age, being single again had put me face to face with a lot of selfish individuals. People who live behind thick “walls” to keep distance from one another. People who do not know how to “serve” without expecting anything in return and fearing they will be taken advantage of. Past experiences are part of their mentality but we can’t be boxed in the past, as long as we do, we’ll  missing on the great possibilities ahead. I know well how scary it could be to put yourself out there with the possibility to be hurt again, I’ve felt it. However, if I don’t, I would not be living. Being armed with my new learned knowledge from my success and failures will pave my future. I trust myself and my ability to create a great partnership next time around. It took a long time but the rewards will be measured to the way I continue to be true and faithful to whom I am and the immense value of my soul. Nobody can steal that from me and nobody will pressure me to give it randomly without any kind of personal evaluation of the person who might want to be part of my life. True loving partnerships are awesome and that is what I want for my life, I won’t settle for anything less and neither should you. My life had to be completely destroyed in order to rebuild it the right way, with God by my side guiding me every step of the way. He is showing me what real love is about and how it should be expressed. His love for me and his constant presence in my life is the measure I will use for my next relationship. I might have to wait a while but there is a lot to do in the meantime and I trust his time knowing that he knows exactly what I deserve to get in this life.





Good-bye 2014

30 12 2014

IMG_4949

The year is almost coming to an end. 2014 brought so many good and few bad things but overall it was the year I would never forget. My patience, knowledge, learning skills, faith, hopes and dreams were developed and some of it flourished. I learned that I am much stronger than I thought and that I can survive in the face of so many unjust and undeserved situations. It’s all good, is all behind me.

Among the good and awesome things that happened I got to be reunited with my son after 4 long years. I have no idea how we managed to stay apart that long but it wasn’t our choice and finally we embraced each other. Being a mother is one of biggest blessings God has bestowed upon me. I can’t imagine my life without any of my children. Life has changed for all of us but we are making the best of it. This Christmas season gave me a much needed break from college and work and by doing so giving me the chance to redefine my life in terms of goals and dreams for my future. I can’t let life just casually happen, I want to be an active participant and to do what it takes to shape it into something I will enjoy for years to come. God has blessed me with so many opportunities and given me the tools, contacts and knowledge to make it really great. It is very exciting.

My family has been next to me every step of the way as I faced evil and for that I am eternally thankful. God has provided for me of so many things and has not failed me yet. I am patiently waiting for my final big blessing and I know it will come one day. In the meantime life goes on and I can’t stop living. Loneliness is not my cup of tea but at times it is exactly what I have to deal with and I need to accept it. I just pray that my heart doesn’t get hard and stays open.

I wish all of you a lot of happiness, health and joy in 2015. Share with me what your hopes and dreams are and how 2014 impacted your life. We all learn from each other and somehow because of that survive terrible situations and enjoy each others joys! To you, to us, to this world who needs much healing and for all those who won’t be with their families these New Year’s Eve. May God bless all of us and let us fill his love because if we do we need nothing else.





Life used to be simple

21 12 2014

Only ten more days and 2014 will be a thing of the past. What have I lived and learned during this past year? I don’t know about you but I am still learning. As a matter of fact I began learning about my life as it started to collapse as I knew it for so long. Still puzzled by its complexity and ever changing form, very unpredictable and sometimes unfair, or is it? I learned that at times I am called to live hardships, injustice, be stripped of everything to be completely bare in order to be completely transformed. I feel like clay under the potter’s hands, completely undone and being reshaped into something new.

I thought that once a certain situation was completely over something magically would change my life, it has in so many ways but I still wait for the ultimate change that will bring me joy and love. Perhaps there is still more to learn before I get there. It is very early in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour now even though I went to bed late. My heart is longing and my mind is racing. These words needed to find a way out. In reality I don’t know what to expect on 2015, I’m not sure if I should even go there. I am here now and there is still ten more days in the calendar but all I have is now. What do I do with this moment, how do I move forward and make the best of it, how do I welcome the wonderful blessings that awaits me this day? I need to voice my heart feelings and longings, my acceptance that I am still willing to love and be loved. Life was so simple.

Life was simple when I had not lived enough to know that life could change in a blink of an eye. That what you perceived as real wasn’t at all, and that your heart could be shattered into a million pieces but somehow be made whole again. There are beautiful moments lived and many more to come I’m sure. If I have learned something is not to lose hope because it is in my darkest moments that I am about to face the sunrise in my life. It is in the moment that I feel I can’t, that God is going to take over for me and get it done. Every tear of doubt and loneliness that rolls over my face now is pain leaving my heart to give way to joy and peace.

I am so thankful for all I have lived this year, for at last seeing the chains coming off of me and to look at myself in the mirror and say it’s done and I am stronger for it. Most of the battle is done but like an earthquake that hits suddenly, once it stops sometimes later comes the aftershocks. Life used to be simple or was it? Maybe it was the way I viewed it, the uncomplicated matters I needed to deal with then and as the time went on I took more and more not paying attention to the effects.

This Christmas I will welcome Jesus into my heart, he who came hell and high water sustained me during the battle and I’m sure has even more wonderful things in store for me. Then I will welcome the New Year with hopes and dreams without measure because I am a child of God and there are many great things he has planned for me. He knows my deepest longing and I’ve prayed for so long. All my tears will be wiped away. But on my here and now I open my heart and receive his blessings, his manifestations of love into my life and I pray for wisdom to always do the right things but never forgetting that when I fall he is always right there reaching out his hands and I just saw his hand right now, handing me another one to join mine.

touch





Happy birthday to me

13 11 2014

119

I opened my eyes this morning and breathed deeply. It is a different sensation when I finally realize that I came out to the other side of the long tunnel and unto the light. It was a long and difficult journey, one that felt unending at times and that made me shed so many tears. It was all necessary to become stronger, to push me to the next level and let me be the creator of my own life.

Along the way I always had angels in disguise to comfort, console, guide, support, inform, and assist at any given moment. I was never alone and for that I thank God. Today is my birthday because my new state in life begins and it is up to me to make better choices and to paint my life with lots of colors. I want to shine on my own and to extend myself to others in positive and inspirational ways.

I will always pray for that person that was part of my life, after all I don’t wish the same I lived and endure for him. Today we start our new life, unbound from each other and all I hope is that we make it better the second time around.

So raise your cup with me and celebrate this special moment in which I feel peace and I begin to walk on new and unknown path. May the joy awaits me and God gives me the wisdom to choose better the next time around, if there is another time around… Cheers!!





Mix emotions in growth

3 11 2014

I am dying… I soon will be reborn. Is never easy to step away from the known, into the unknown. Even when the known part you know was not worth it. During the process of a divorce that grips your life for years because the other for whatever reason won’t let go of the other’s life is a very exhausting process. One might think if it is even worth even think about it again but then again comes the heart and the emotions and our human need to be loved, treasured and cherished. Does that really exists? I know that exists with God because he is the only one with me during this process, no earthly man compares to that love. I pray for that kind of love at an earthly level but it hasn’t arrived. I wonder and hope… I cry and I laugh, I run and I lay down, it is all in God’s precious time.

I feel dying at times of solitude, at times when I need a strong embrace, times when all I need is to feel safe and protected and that all my tears are wiped away. Does goodness goes unrewarded while abuse and humiliation gets its reward? How much can a human being can take? I guess I must see myself on the cross to get the answer. I wish it not to be so, and that somewhere in this world my answer might be glancing at my words. I can only hope and move on not focusing on the emotions and continue to grow because if I don’t, I die and evil will win. It doesn’t have to be so.