The Absent

27 09 2010

It has been so long since I wrote on this blog that I even forgot the password to get it. I can’t believe it. But today for some reason I feel the need to put in words my thoughts, my feelings.

Today is my mom’s birthday and at 73 with cancer one more time, makes me think of how finite our life is. I miss her and she worries constantly for all of her children no matter how old we are. I know she wants all of us to be happy but that is not easy for many of us. The life we live now is the result of many decisions (good and bad) we have take long ago. We are all dealing with our own little hell and heaven according to our individual circumstances. I continue to be closed to certain emotions in my life no matter how long the hurts occurred to me and then there are others times when I am completely open and honest about who I am. It’s complex and aggravating to feel this way sometimes.

Life passes by and I’m still thinking what the hell should I do about a lot of things. I know you have never heard me say that word before but it is the plain truth. I’m frustrated with the chain of stuff that rolls over my life as I keep moving along in life. Or am I moving, sometimes I feel stuck.

Today I opened up to my mom, I still can’t believe how franc I was about who I really am and the stupid mistakes I’ve made. I can trust her, I know she cares, but now I feel bad I told her. Maybe because I feel so vulnerable. It’s letting my guard down, I’m a master at that, but I am so tired of holding the fort. To stay on guard 24/7 is not living. I want to bring my fun out, like the Dave & Busters Restaurant commercials, I can’t wait to bring it. It’s time to relax in life, to be at peace and to smile and laugh again. I just wonder if I can do it.

I didn’t mean to write such a depressing blog entry after so many months of inactivity but I needed to unload somehow this heartfelt sentiment that is hanging from my heart. Hopefully I get to come here and write more often, I miss it. I also want to know what’s new with you, how is life treating you and what are looking forward to in your own life.