And I remain…

24 04 2016


April 23, 2016, my birthday once more. Time to not only celebrate but to thank God for all lived and not lived. Every morning when I open my eyes the first thing on my mind, soul, my words are of gratitude.   Gratitude because I’m blessed with another day, another opportunity to continue on my path to what I am meant to do in this world, for however long that might be.

This past year was packed with new experiences, some not so good if you look at it from a worldly point of view, but in the realm of God’s infinite goodness it was a very valuable and enriched time to continue to grow inside and out. I learned that life is short and that it could change in a blink of an eye, that accidents are not accidents, there are allowed to push me forward in a more speedy way. That God always have my back, no matter who is or not is with me in this journey of life. I can count on him no matter what. I have not earned any of this, God’s love for me has no measures and no conditions.

I was blessed with a job who kept me close to him no matter the circumstances and even though at times my faith was tested, I remained close to him learning to overlook the faults of others who do not reflected him as I thought they should. But who am I to judge anyone? I am so imperfect and perfect at the same time. When I rely on him, my shallow being becomes all he wants me to be since the moment he thought of my existence. I become strong on him when I lean on him on my weakest moments. I become wise when I don’t trust myself and others and run to him for spiritual guidance. His peace within me tells me that I am on the right path, and that whatever comes my way he will be with me if I step aside and let him do his thing.

Living by faith and letting myself be guided, almost continuously, have enriched my life. At times is like walking into a dark cave, as my feet touch the ground and I extend out my arms to let my senses guide me where and how to move ahead. It is turning on an extrasensory radar in order to navigate my body, mind and soul into the depths of the unknown. Life is so amazingly challenging sometimes, but I’ve found that resistance makes it unbearable to the point of brokenness. When I feel my life bending in ways I don’t expect and it begins to hurt, I try my best to let go because if I try to hold on tight to whatever it is, it could snap. I had couple of moments this year in which I tried hard to hold on, and at that moment it snapped. It wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to remain. The hurt was like a knife cutting the most precious part of my body and soul…. my heart. Change and transformation entails a lot of pain and frustration sometimes. But trusting that God helps me navigate in whichever way I choose to, while keeping a close eye on me just in case I need assistance, is comforting. It is like a mother letting her child step away from her into the world, letting him experience life and this world as it is but at the same time looking from afar ready to rescue him or guide him as soon as he turns to her.

On this birthday I want most of all to continue on my designated path, a path that in part I have chosen guided totally by God. It might not be the most easy path to travel on, believe me, I envisioned something else but by experience I’ve learned  to look for the markers God has placed for me so that I find my way. If I have learned something this year is that no matter what, everything that comes and goes into my life is allowed with a strong and meaningful purpose to enrich, transform or to fulfill my spiritual existence which is eternal. I’ve also learned to say “I love you” more often with no connotation of a romantic love but one of pure sentiment we should all have for all humanity, the animals and this world. Love transcends the universe and it is that energy that creates and stimulates the growth of our understanding of WHAT IS. I can’t pretend to have the answers or of being right, it is not about rightness or what is good or bad, it is about the merging of something completely unknown and inexplicable at times and embracing its force in order to become it… So thank you Lord, for being that force that is within me and with me at all times. Because in the realm of what matters in this world and the short time I might spend here, it is about getting to know you and letting you teach me and guide my journey of what my life is all about. It is about letting others know the importance of the real essence of life and what it could be for each and everyone of us. No two existences are the same, and I want mine to leave a mark that says “SHE KNEW HOW TO LOVE” because the meaning of what LOVE is has intrigued me ever since I read the meaning of it in the Bible when I was only seven years old. I bask on those words in awe and wonder and until this day I continue to learn the million ways it could be present in my life.

And here I am… and I remain… for a moment, for a day, another year, for all eternity in this infinite presence of the divine.

Relaxed and Grounded

15 06 2011

No, it’s not what I had planned for today but I embraced it and moved on. A day to first of all exercise my body, then tend to my soul and then to enjoy myself in ways I hardly ever took time before. It feels good to pick and choose what I want to do and just do it. I get behind the wheel and travel towards the beach. I don’t know what it is about the water that pulls me in more ways than one but I feel tranquil just by being by it. The sight is superb and there are so many little islands around that I can go to a different one by just driving 20-30 minutes from home.

Then a little window shopping doesn’t hurt anyone, right? Well, I couldn’t resist getting two great deals but all in all it was time to walk around, see people, smell wonderful aromas from the great restaurants and take a few pictures.

It was a hot steamy day and it is not high season for tourism right now but I sure could see a few people from Europe walking around speaking in their native tongue.

After I did my walk around the whole plaza I headed out to town but not before I made a stop at the park and visit my best friend, the sea. The wind blew and the sun shined high above me and I thought it would be a good place to come with my dog, Troy, for a nice stroll. Maybe next time I will do just that.

Got to enjoy every moment, who knows when it will be my last. I just lost a dear friend, a guy who was like my brother and it’s hard to believe that I will never see him again. He was so happy to have become a dad for the first time and it hurts me that he never got to celebrate Father’s Day because this was going to be his first… So I dedicate this post to Manolo, I know you can see me from where you are, my heart is with you my brother. Happy Father’s Day now and always.

In Loving Memory of Manolo Mont
June 13, 2011

Welcome 2011

5 01 2011

I have been waiting for you so long… The expectations are high but I have claimed you as the best year ever! I am sure you won’t disappoint me and we have so much to do. I am looking at you with a twinkle in my eye, with the love and expectation a lover feels. Just like love, you are never sure what will come next. So far and unexpected event have thrown me where I refused to go; I lost my beloved Maxi over Memorial Weekend, my Miniature Pincher of 11 years, it was unexpected and fast. The hurt and emotions ran deep as I made the decision to end her pain. For the first time in my life I didn’t want any other dog in my life, at least not for a while. Everything had changed so much in the last 2 years that I was kind of shedding everything than in one way or another was holding me back. Life did a lot of elimination on its own and others I did myself.

When my son Josh came to visit over this Christmas season he kept asking me to go get another dog, I refused. I would not dare go there again, just the memory of Maxi hurt. I am busier than ever, working and building a retail business on the side and I am content with that. I miss the time I used to dedicate to reading and writing but it is all part of not wanting to touch the chords of my heart for a while. I am wounded and I am not sure how to heal.

On New Year’s Eve we got together with my family and had a great time. When we were ready to go I was reminded of my loss again, my cousin handed me a Christmas card with a picture of her family, including her dog. I told her about my loss and there it was, the pain again. I had not idea that minutes later I would be faced with a scared, injured dog at the gas station we stopped on the way home. The kids jumped out of the car, I started to tremble. I saw him from afar but I would not dare get out. My jaws clenched, my heart was going faster. They all went crazy with the dog, the asked the attendant about it, they grabbed it, they asked me to take it, I would continue to say no. They insisted, how could I leave him? Before I knew it my daughter put him in her car and we drove off.

I don’t even remember the million thoughts that went through my mind as we drove one more hour before we reach our home. As soon as we arrived I left with him to the clinic, my son accompanied me. I had to decide to leave him there or take it home. It was very likely that he would be transferred to his county and wait for his owner to claim him but since he was injured if nobody did he would be put to sleep. I could not walk away. As I stood there thinking what to do and a rush of emotions came over me, it was the same clinic I took Maxi into, the same room where they gave me the bad news of her massive infection and I ran off home with her, just to bring her back hours later and having to say good-bye to her. I burst into tears, Josh embraced me, it had been couple of months since my last cry over her. I decided to give this dog a name and take him home.

Today is 4 days later and we have not been able to fix his leg, he needs surgery and I am at the bottom of what I could spend. There is no financial assistance anywhere for this, it’s outrageous. We should have more vets and surgeons dedicating some of their time on this kind of charity. I am running a fund-raising event on Facebook with my family and friends, some have come forward but we are so far off the amount I need for the surgery that all we will be able to do is to redo the splint and try to align the broken bones and hope they heal good enough. It will be less costly but I really don’t have anymore money than those donations. If you would like to contribute to the fund for Troy you can go here. Anything at all you can give will be greatly appreciated. I don’t know what else to do and pray that somehow all the expenses are paid because if God put him on my path, it was for a reason. He is such a loving dog and he is so happy that you would never think he is badly hurt. He is healthy otherwise and deserves to have a good happy life. So here it is, meet Troy!

Right Before Landing

3 05 2010

I am usually a little early or a little late, but this time I got lucky. I shoot the camera right on time, it’s rare to see this clearly because it happens so fast but it always amazes me. Flying is one of wonders that I enjoy the most in animals; wind, altitude, gracefulness, precision and control. I compare it to life, to the ups and downs, to the changes of wind and the speed which hits us holding us or pushing us around. To the struggle to stay balanced and to use the variables to our advantage. To use it sometimes to lift us high so that that we can get a better perspective of our situations. To choose a time to land and rest or a spot to dive in and be fed.

I love the sea, the wind, the clear blue sky and the sea breeze on my face. The sound of the waves on the shore carry me to places far beyond my sight, bringing back memories… It is all there, beyond the blue water taking from me and giving me whatever it is I need. I don’t know how to explain it. As I stand on the shore waiting for the water to touch my feet, I sink my feet on the wet sand and looking up the sky I breathe in deeply. I am free; free to dream, to hope, to believe that one day in one moment in time we all be one. The cool water runs on my skin and sometimes when it comes with power, runs up my legs refreshing my senses. I smile. That was what I needed and the sun warms my skin changing the shade as the time goes by. I am being transformed. A new creation, as I begin to walk and then lay down on the sand, face up to the clear sky. It has been a while since I’ve seen it so blue, but then comes the strong winds and the sand is lifted up on the air, blasting against my body. As long as I protect my eyes I am ok at least for a little while, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave, my peace by the sea….

Early Morning

26 04 2010

It was a stormy night, full of thunder and lightning, not letting me sleep. The rain fell hard washing away some thoughts of unhealthy memories while holding on to others. I drifted in and out of my dreams of being embraced by love. It is an ideal, I guess something we will always long for in some manner, way, shape or form. It is sublime at times, but very briefly and then -in my experience- challenged to sustain itself against the storms. I wish I knew if that is the case for most of us because sometimes I wonder. The sensations are able to sustain us for a lifetime but the hurt last an eternity, sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it. Then again I look back and realize that without it our existence would be so trivial and insignificant. In those brief moments of love we gain a million heartbeats…


13 04 2010

I wish I come here more often, the words have bottled up for so long but there isn’t much time in a day to slow down and get them out. When I do sit down to write I find myself thinking of the same themes and thoughts I had a year ago, I guess nothing much has changed which worries me, because by now something different must be happening inside but it has not. I feel like floating in space going around and around the same objects with nowhere to land.

Time alone and to reflect is what moved me to dig deep within before but I am trying to drown my worries I am keeping as busy and occupied as I can. In the long run is not good for me, I know. Starting today I will do my best to isolate myself from time to time. Being in the desert of my being I can see things more clearly and the words emerge effortlessly. I also need to finish a project I have been holding on to for too long and let it fly, wherever that might be. I need to revisit the places I was exploring before and see if there has been any changes also, I am sure it has. Most of all I need to give voice to my needs and wants in order to obtain them.

I see in the horizon a new possibility but I am immobilized, I don’t believe it is my call to do so. I hate to be labeled for it, so I will wait to come my way if it is what is meant to be. All I know is that inspired me to be the best that I could be and even expanded the way I saw myself and what I could do. It was a wonderful feeling, I felt alive and creative. But I will leave it at that and let God move things in the way he knows is best for me, in the meantime I will receptive to his promptings.

An Peace Befall Me

2 06 2009

For an inexplicable reason peace has befall me today, I am grateful for the sudden release of pressure from my heart and soul. I was getting really weary unable to think and analyze past events and decide on the present and future events that my life will take. I feel like floating about my body, that fragile glove that covers what is really important to me; my heart, soul and my sanity. I have a few helping hands surrounding me ready to catch me just in case I fall.

All I want to listen now is the sound of the mountain streams. I close my eyes and feel the coolness, the freshness of the air as I imagine myself sitting on the ground under the shade of oversize trees. You can listen to it here and like me feel the calm transform all worries into a tiny hope that in time might burst into a bright light for my path.

Water is the symbol of life and apart from it we can’t go too far. May the sight and sounds heal each and every cell of my being as I open my heart for such healing to take place. How lucky I am to have a spiritual connection with some of my friends that when I needed them the most they came to my rescue. Time and space are nothing compared to the power of the spirit that travels and transcends unimaginable distance.

Please tell me what peace means to you.