A forced meditation

3 05 2015

Lady-giving-thanks

Meditation used to be part of my daily routine, in time life took me into a war I had to fight hard and long to survive, and meditation took the back seat. After I resolved most of my personal issues related to my divorce and the big change in my life, I could not find the right time and place for meditation. The time I used to spend to mediate helped me to be sane, whole, clear and focus in the past. I attribute my mere survival during my difficult marriage to this practice. I know how important it is for our spiritual well-being, for our mind and soul. We are more than just a body and maintaining a balance is important for our health.

In my busy life schedule these days I kept neglecting the fact that I have a soul that I need to attend to.  God in his infinite wisdom has done everything to slow me down, to provide for me, to care for me in ways I never expected and still I did almost nothing to get back to meditation. Well, the ultimate happened last night, I lost my voice. I don’t remember ever getting sick and losing my voice. Last night was very important to me and at the end I struggled to used the last sounds from my vocal cords to express how I felt after a bitter disappointment. My hopes and dreams were shot down once more, I have no idea what else to do. Today I can’t emit a sound and even though it was a beautiful clear day outside I went nowhere. I watched Super Soul Sunday, and guess what was the theme today, meditation.

So here I am, writing to you and reflecting upon all that had happen to take me up to this moment. What is the purpose of having one of the most essential body functions taken away from me, my voice, and forcing me to silence in order for the spirit to be heard from within?  I have to admit that I love God but lately I am getting resentful of the love I’ve been denied of. I know he knows best and at the same time I keep pushing to have control over it. I don’t believe in crossing my arms and do nothing about what could be the rest of my life. I am afraid to surrender, I am a relentless fighter and giving up is not my forte, but what am I to do when the most desired prize feels unattainable? Believe it or not, I am meditating right now, I pause in between the words as they appear on the screen and I breathe in deeply… I must give up and surrender. I have to drop all my weapons to the ground, take off my shield and walk out defenseless unto whatever it is I will face. I feel like I am walking into the arena to be devoured by the lions. I guess the answer is Trust. I have to admit that I am afraid to trust, I’ve been hurt so many times because of it. I realize that it has not been my fault; I can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, integrity, and honesty.  I see no other alternative but to trust right now;  I am tired, disappointed, sad and stripped of options here. I SURRENDER LORD, I yield to your will in my life. I put on your loving hands my dreams and desires, the love I so yearn to feel here on earth. I am dropping all my battle gear to the ground, I stand vulnerable before you so that you can clothe me with LOVE. You know how difficult this is for me. You made me a warrior in order to help me survive all my battles so far but this one belongs to YOU, you want to fight it for me and I will let you do it.


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3 responses

4 05 2015
brianbalke

The sermon at the church I attended yesterday was on the parable of the vine. In reflecting on the pruning of the branches on the vine, the pastor thought of God removing growths that steal energy from the productive parts of ourselves. But there is also pruning that removes leaves that are diseased and damaged by the weather – that bleed resources into the environment or feed things that harm us.

This is what my heart has to offer in response to your message: I pray that God will prune you of the pain that you have suffered, and that you find the strength to allow his light to continue to examine you, even when it is painful or humiliating, so that the goodness that is within you shines clearly to those that will embrace you, freeing you finally of the need to fight.

4 05 2015
clary

Thank you so much for your comment Brian. Pruning could be painful but so necessary to stimulate growth. I am looking forward to my brand new branches.🙂

5 05 2015
Phil

So nice to see you blogging on a more regular basis Clary. Keep up the great work my friend.🙂

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