Partnership or dictatorship

8 03 2015


It could happen to anyone. We are raised with certain customs and assumptions when it comes to love and marriage. Love is something we all want in our life and at the same is so fleeting today. I believe that what we know about relationships has a big part on the kind of relationships we develop with each other.

I was young, naive and ill equipped to know what a good relationship looked like. I followed on the steps of an old society that had nothing to do with the current era and I assumed I was doing the right things. What I failed to realize, I came to understand almost three decades later when I faced my failed relationship. Life is a classroom, I learn by my mistakes, by the chances I take and by the experiences I gain. There is no wishful thinking at work here, life it is what it is, good or bad reality and as I deal with it.  But I also learned that life is also exactly the way I think about it. I can choose to see a glass half full or half empty.

Happy and successful relationship are to be partnerships not a dictatorship.  That was a lesson I had not learned before I began the most important relationship of my life, my marriage. I gave total control of my life to someone who did not have my best interest in mind but his own. I am still questioning a lot of things but unlike in the past, I don’t blame myself anymore. The problem with a dictatorship relationship is that you are constantly blamed for everything, the dictator never takes responsibility for the outcomes of his acts. I have come to an understanding that I surrendered my power to someone else voluntarily in order to maintain the peace I longed for my kids and me.  I paid a very high price for that peace and at the end everything fell apart anyway. I want to believe that there was good reason for it all and that is not too late to experience what a true partnership is all about. I am positive, happy, moving forward as I wait for that moment.

When someone expects everything  from you without “serving” you in return you are in a dictatorship. This is the way a lot of our grandparents lived decades ago. That was all I was familiar with, even though I saw a little serving from my dad to my mom when I was young. Now years later I saw my dad’s  total giving and serving to my mother while she was diagnosed with a Lymphoma was a true example of what a partnership in marriage is. She deserves his total dedication because she has done exactly the same for him.

In this day and age, being single again had put me face to face with a lot of selfish individuals. People who live behind thick “walls” to keep distance from one another. People who do not know how to “serve” without expecting anything in return and fearing they will be taken advantage of. Past experiences are part of their mentality but we can’t be boxed in the past, as long as we do, we’ll  missing on the great possibilities ahead. I know well how scary it could be to put yourself out there with the possibility to be hurt again, I’ve felt it. However, if I don’t, I would not be living. Being armed with my new learned knowledge from my success and failures will pave my future. I trust myself and my ability to create a great partnership next time around. It took a long time but the rewards will be measured to the way I continue to be true and faithful to whom I am and the immense value of my soul. Nobody can steal that from me and nobody will pressure me to give it randomly without any kind of personal evaluation of the person who might want to be part of my life. True loving partnerships are awesome and that is what I want for my life, I won’t settle for anything less and neither should you. My life had to be completely destroyed in order to rebuild it the right way, with God by my side guiding me every step of the way. He is showing me what real love is about and how it should be expressed. His love for me and his constant presence in my life is the measure I will use for my next relationship. I might have to wait a while but there is a lot to do in the meantime and I trust his time knowing that he knows exactly what I deserve to get in this life.

Life used to be simple

21 12 2014

Only ten more days and 2014 will be a thing of the past. What have I lived and learned during this past year? I don’t know about you but I am still learning. As a matter of fact I began learning about my life as it started to collapse as I knew it for so long. Still puzzled by its complexity and ever changing form, very unpredictable and sometimes unfair, or is it? I learned that at times I am called to live hardships, injustice, be stripped of everything to be completely bare in order to be completely transformed. I feel like clay under the potter’s hands, completely undone and being reshaped into something new.

I thought that once a certain situation was completely over something magically would change my life, it has in so many ways but I still wait for the ultimate change that will bring me joy and love. Perhaps there is still more to learn before I get there. It is very early in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour now even though I went to bed late. My heart is longing and my mind is racing. These words needed to find a way out. In reality I don’t know what to expect on 2015, I’m not sure if I should even go there. I am here now and there is still ten more days in the calendar but all I have is now. What do I do with this moment, how do I move forward and make the best of it, how do I welcome the wonderful blessings that awaits me this day? I need to voice my heart feelings and longings, my acceptance that I am still willing to love and be loved. Life was so simple.

Life was simple when I had not lived enough to know that life could change in a blink of an eye. That what you perceived as real wasn’t at all, and that your heart could be shattered into a million pieces but somehow be made whole again. There are beautiful moments lived and many more to come I’m sure. If I have learned something is not to lose hope because it is in my darkest moments that I am about to face the sunrise in my life. It is in the moment that I feel I can’t, that God is going to take over for me and get it done. Every tear of doubt and loneliness that rolls over my face now is pain leaving my heart to give way to joy and peace.

I am so thankful for all I have lived this year, for at last seeing the chains coming off of me and to look at myself in the mirror and say it’s done and I am stronger for it. Most of the battle is done but like an earthquake that hits suddenly, once it stops sometimes later comes the aftershocks. Life used to be simple or was it? Maybe it was the way I viewed it, the uncomplicated matters I needed to deal with then and as the time went on I took more and more not paying attention to the effects.

This Christmas I will welcome Jesus into my heart, he who came hell and high water sustained me during the battle and I’m sure has even more wonderful things in store for me. Then I will welcome the New Year with hopes and dreams without measure because I am a child of God and there are many great things he has planned for me. He knows my deepest longing and I’ve prayed for so long. All my tears will be wiped away. But on my here and now I open my heart and receive his blessings, his manifestations of love into my life and I pray for wisdom to always do the right things but never forgetting that when I fall he is always right there reaching out his hands and I just saw his hand right now, handing me another one to join mine.


Happy birthday to me

13 11 2014


I opened my eyes this morning and breathed deeply. It is a different sensation when I finally realize that I came out to the other side of the long tunnel and unto the light. It was a long and difficult journey, one that felt unending at times and that made me shed so many tears. It was all necessary to become stronger, to push me to the next level and let me be the creator of my own life.

Along the way I always had angels in disguise to comfort, console, guide, support, inform, and assist at any given moment. I was never alone and for that I thank God. Today is my birthday because my new state in life begins and it is up to me to make better choices and to paint my life with lots of colors. I want to shine on my own and to extend myself to others in positive and inspirational ways.

I will always pray for that person that was part of my life, after all I don’t wish the same I lived and endure for him. Today we start our new life, unbound from each other and all I hope is that we make it better the second time around.

So raise your cup with me and celebrate this special moment in which I feel peace and I begin to walk on new and unknown path. May the joy awaits me and God gives me the wisdom to choose better the next time around, if there is another time around… Cheers!!

Lessons Learned

12 09 2013

Life in this world is about learning. We are taught and tested continuously; if we don’t get it believe me that the lesson will be put before us many times in different ways and forms until we master it. Instinct is deep within us to trigger signals as we move along in life and begin to make choices. Sometimes we detect it, others is so subtle that we let it pass by, but if we do it only causes something negative in our life. Emotions feed a kind of thrill that our heart and body craves for; sometimes good, sometimes bad. It’s what makes us feel alive. There is a fine line in merging our mind and our emotions.

One thing that amazes me is how certain people can go through life hurting others. We are losing the ability to see each other as human beings with heart and emotions. Respecting another human being only speaks about the quality of person that we are. It doesn’t matter if we have a lot schooling and degrees if inside we lack the ability to sympathize with the value of others around us. The naive is reeled in so many ways that is very hard for someone without street smart to detect all the dynamics that could possibly harm them. 

Sometimes I wonder what my new life will look like. Would I be able to navigate this world’s uncertainty? Would I ever learned to play a game I dislike? Is there more people like me in this world?  I wish I could fly but the heaviness of all my emotions keeps me bound to the ground. 



One day I will be by the shore again, it seems like that is the only place where I feel at ease. I don’t want to lose hope. I look for the lighthouse I left behind so long ago… Who knows if I will ever find a safe harbor to disembark and live happily ever after, if such thing exists.  

And What About Grandma

9 10 2009


Time have changed so many things, one of them I believe is the way we see our grandmas. I remembered when visiting or receiving grandma at our home it was always a joyous occasion. I loved the way she listened to me and the special little things she would sometimes bring me, most of them were little and very inexpensive but just to know she thought of me was enough.

Life has become a place where you live where you can survive and not where you want to be. Families used to live closed to each other throughout their life and in that process they saw each other grow up and helped one another when needed. I won’t paint a rosie picture of the whole experience because sometimes there were moments you wished they were far away but grandmas somehow made things alright.

It breaks my heart to hear of grandmas being placed in nursing homes and then forgotten by their families. I realize that life moves so rapidly that before you know it your day is all gone; between work, house work, the kids, your spouse and all the activities you are lucky to have time for yourself. The days go by and grandma waits lonely in a cold room far away from all she holds dear, thinking that today maybe is the day she gets that visit, that call and nights fall down. Another day without you. She wonders why, how and for how long she will have to endure the pain and sorrow in her heart. Better days come to mind as her tears roll down her cheeks and wonder… If the grandma happens to be Hispanic and her kids moved to the United States now she has another barrier that keeps her faraway from her family, the language. It is so sad to see parents who replace their native language for the one they are living around now and don’t take the time and effort to teach their language to their kids. When grandma comes they can’t even talk anymore and they long to get to know them.

I thank God I lived in a generation that had the blessing to enjoy grandmas and that I had the chance to be with them a lot, I knew them and they knew me. They taught me their favorite dishes and made me my favorite food. I called them when I was far away and told them how much I missed and loved them. I also wrote letters to them. I played, I cried, I laughed and I grew to be who I am because of them. I learned by their mistakes and by their advice, and I was in awe when I heard all they went through. There is not a moment I did not want to be with them, even on their death bed and I will forever love and carry them in my heart.

So what about your grandma? Your kids’ grandma? Have you taken the time to talk or visit them today? Do you know she is waiting for you and no matter how long it has been she will still love you just the same as if you were there yesterday, even though you were not?

Where are you when I need you?

18 07 2009


It takes time I know, it takes dedication and we are all so busy. Is friendship an art that is quickly going down the drain? It comes easy when we are young and with not many responsibilities but once we enter the real world and life situations that special bond becomes less and less frequent among us.

I have been lucky enough to have a few lifetime friendships, we are there for each other no matter what and no matter how far we are from each other. Nothing or nobody separate us but what about the friendships we develop later in life? Why is it that they are not as strong or lasting? I am beginning to think because most of the time there is another person(s) with us (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriends, kids) and if there is not a good connection with them also the whole thing sooner or later falls apart.

Time is another issue, it takes time and dedication to develop the communication and closeness with our friends and in our busy, busy lives there is not much room for anything meaningful to develop before it dies. I am not sure if different countries has anything to do as well: the way of living, the customs, the family, the culture in general. Some countries cater to this kind of interaction and facilitates the places where these kind of encounters can take place. People are relaxed, welcoming and friendly. I need that, I think we all do at many different levels.

What do you think?

What is and What Will Be

18 06 2009

It was a long time coming, a time of big changes and transformation. From the familiar to the unknown and to bringing out the best I have to offer. It is not at all what I envisioned and yet I somehow expected it. I am letting myself be guided instead of steering the way I want to go, to stay in the same place doing what is familiar is the easiest thing to do but not what I am meant to do at this moment. The time is now and the door is open, I will walk through it and leave behind the previous comforts that cost me so much. I was excited at the beginning and then I stopped for a while and though about how my life will change, how I would lose some of the comforts and freedom I have enjoyed for so long but it is time, and I feel deep in my soul it comes from above. I must trust that God knows what is best at this time and moments of my life and learn not to question his ways.

I used to be impulsive and quick to act even after huge mistakes but now I have learned to stop and try to analyze what went wrong and wait for a sign before I move in a certain direction. This time I don’t want to shut myself, to fear or mistrust anything or anyone who is around me. Those who lost my trust will have to gain it back and time will tell if that is possible. I will no refuge myself on anyone but God and I won’t blame me for someone else actions. Nothing happens isolated from those who are part of my life but I can’t blame me for something I did not make a decision on.

Circumstances have changed the terrain I now walk on, what was smooth is fragmented and rocky but I must continue my journey and the destiny that only God knows at this time. It has not been revealed to me yet but I walk in faith and know that it time it will be, and it will be good because it is not of a design from my own fashion. I am not putting any strings, I am not expecting anything. In time it will be revealed to me. I feel at peace on that thought as I pushed aside my own agenda, my plans and what I thought was the ideal situation.

What is and what will be; there is hope, there is always hope when I wait and trust in God’s plan. I will be patient and will accept what he has in stored for me.

If I Am No Longer Here

12 01 2009


How many times in life do we feel like running away or escaping and undeniable reality? How many times we feel hurt and disappointed on ourselves, on others? How many times have we felt useless, unappreciated or just plain ignored?

I guess we all have moments like that in our life. It has been a long time since I felt this way. The last time I felt it, I wanted to runaway but the thoughts of my parents’ anguish stopped me. I always wondered what would have happen if I did.

Yesterday was a difficult day, as a matter of fact it has been building up for over a month and what makes things worst is the fact that I don’t take action. I feel pressured to do what I don’t want. I was told that this building up of emotions and my constant effort to suppress it is what makes it worst and perhaps it is true. The fact of the matter is that yesterday all burst to the surface and I exploded like never before. I needed to be heard once for all, what is the reason for me to be here? Is it worth all my sacrifice or dedication or would I continue to live my life in this void where I long to be appreciated in more ways than the physical? Sometimes I feel like shedding this body that covers everything I am. Would someone take a good look inside?

There is so much pretending in this house that it is becoming unhealthy. Everyone seems to have their own agenda and a long list of do and don’ts. A family should be a unit that is directed towards a common goal and based on love, unconditional love. We should all be happy when someone else is happy and not try to hold the other back just because you don’t happen to share the same interest and can’t participate in it. We all have various needs but I don’t believe there is a place for demands in love. You get what you inspire in others to give, nothing more. Perhaps this was the reason why I felt so bad yesterday. I haven’t been getting anything good lately, the way I see it and have been told is that I am the cause for all of this. It is so easy to point the finger and don’t look at the plank in their eye. Everyone needs to take responsibility here. That is why my thoughts of just disappearing were so appealing; one because I felt I was no longer needed and two because maybe by me not been here it might make someone realize who I am, what I do and if it is of any value to anyone.

Perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do but it is done and after looking at the reactions I decided to reflect and stay put for now. I don’t want anyone to have false expectations of me, what is, is. I can’t be forced to be someone I am not. Hopefully after this everyone will stop and think twice before they talk and take their time to appreciate one another just the way we are.

Find Your Treasure

15 09 2008

“Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them.”
Marilyn Ferguson

“Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.”
George Sand

Treasures can be so many things in our life. For some are tangible items they can see and touch and to others the ability to feel and live certain experiences in their life. To many of us it is a combination of both the physical and spiritual nature of a treasure. Treasure is something of great value to us. We should learn, most of all, to appreciate at least one treasure in our life; ourselves. It is the base from which all the other treasures are ultimately found. I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to find my own treasures I need to believe I deserve them and then I have to work hard to claim them.

If fear is the house of self-knowledge then I have a lot to explore. The question is what do I fear and why?

When it comes to identify our fears and find the reasons why, it is not an easy thing to do. We are used to move along life trying the best we can to not go too deep within. But in the long run we are urged to do so because it is impossible to find any satisfaction in superficiality. Living in the upper layers of our being never satisfies the human soul. We were created to experience deep and meaningful relationships with ourselves and others. Sometimes we settle for part of what was meant for us and as the time goes by our life becomes unbearable.

Finding our treasure it is ultimately the necessary action we all need to take in life. It is a proactive degree of responsibility and respect to our human nature. We all have treasures to search, encounter and hold within our hands and heart.

In learning “how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness,” we learn the art of living. Thinking back on the things that shaped my life I realized that whenever something took the ideal form to give my life greater significance was because I gave, lose or acquired in the right manner. Love somehow manages to transform all our actions into the right way to do things. It detaches us from our selfishness and helps us give ourselves in a sincere manner. I can’t ever get over the way I act when I act with love, I’m a new creature, and there is an infinite interior softness deep within my soul.

I truly believe that anything in life begins with a decision. Some people and circumstances come into our life to help us along, but it is our personal determination to let it come into our life what makes it our own. With that decision we are also called to act; our eyes in our “treasure,” on the journey we must walk in order to find it, to face the challenges and then in looking for ways to preserve it.

Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life

Tapping on Our Inner Strength

22 04 2008

How in the world is it that the people who supposely love us are the one that end up hurting us the most? Perhaps it is because they are so close to us physical and emotionally that we feel it that much more than anyone else around us.

I always say that words are powerful and that they can uplift or destroy an individual, maybe that is why I’m so slow at talking and expressing my feelings to someone else. I need to feel comfortable and trust the person I’m talking to in order to let them into that personal and emotional part of my being, but it is not without its risks.

Inner strength is what helps me deal with different situations in my life. It’s based on the core of my values and beliefs. It gives me the strength to remain, if I need to, in a place where is totally uncomfortable until the time is right to move on. It’s not always easy to stay put when you see your life pass by perhaps missing opportunities at work, love or relationships but I truly believe that in the end you will receive what you truly deserve.

I keep confirming that whenever I want something, immediately after I encounter resistance as a way to test my intentions and the value of my choice. My reaction to that resistance its ultimately what determines its impact; it empower or weakens me. Most of us have plenty of experience with both of these and in time we learn to pick our battles. I’ve given up a lot of dreams but at this point in my life I’m less likely to do so because I feel entitled to many of them. I will take a deep breath, focus on my inner strength until it comes up to the surface and then face the odds against me.

Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life