And I remain…

24 04 2016

Lady-giving-thanks

April 23, 2016, my birthday once more. Time to not only celebrate but to thank God for all lived and not lived. Every morning when I open my eyes the first thing on my mind, soul, my words are of gratitude.   Gratitude because I’m blessed with another day, another opportunity to continue on my path to what I am meant to do in this world, for however long that might be.

This past year was packed with new experiences, some not so good if you look at it from a worldly point of view, but in the realm of God’s infinite goodness it was a very valuable and enriched time to continue to grow inside and out. I learned that life is short and that it could change in a blink of an eye, that accidents are not accidents, there are allowed to push me forward in a more speedy way. That God always have my back, no matter who is or not is with me in this journey of life. I can count on him no matter what. I have not earned any of this, God’s love for me has no measures and no conditions.

I was blessed with a job who kept me close to him no matter the circumstances and even though at times my faith was tested, I remained close to him learning to overlook the faults of others who do not reflected him as I thought they should. But who am I to judge anyone? I am so imperfect and perfect at the same time. When I rely on him, my shallow being becomes all he wants me to be since the moment he thought of my existence. I become strong on him when I lean on him on my weakest moments. I become wise when I don’t trust myself and others and run to him for spiritual guidance. His peace within me tells me that I am on the right path, and that whatever comes my way he will be with me if I step aside and let him do his thing.

Living by faith and letting myself be guided, almost continuously, have enriched my life. At times is like walking into a dark cave, as my feet touch the ground and I extend out my arms to let my senses guide me where and how to move ahead. It is turning on an extrasensory radar in order to navigate my body, mind and soul into the depths of the unknown. Life is so amazingly challenging sometimes, but I’ve found that resistance makes it unbearable to the point of brokenness. When I feel my life bending in ways I don’t expect and it begins to hurt, I try my best to let go because if I try to hold on tight to whatever it is, it could snap. I had couple of moments this year in which I tried hard to hold on, and at that moment it snapped. It wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to remain. The hurt was like a knife cutting the most precious part of my body and soul…. my heart. Change and transformation entails a lot of pain and frustration sometimes. But trusting that God helps me navigate in whichever way I choose to, while keeping a close eye on me just in case I need assistance, is comforting. It is like a mother letting her child step away from her into the world, letting him experience life and this world as it is but at the same time looking from afar ready to rescue him or guide him as soon as he turns to her.

On this birthday I want most of all to continue on my designated path, a path that in part I have chosen guided totally by God. It might not be the most easy path to travel on, believe me, I envisioned something else but by experience I’ve learned  to look for the markers God has placed for me so that I find my way. If I have learned something this year is that no matter what, everything that comes and goes into my life is allowed with a strong and meaningful purpose to enrich, transform or to fulfill my spiritual existence which is eternal. I’ve also learned to say “I love you” more often with no connotation of a romantic love but one of pure sentiment we should all have for all humanity, the animals and this world. Love transcends the universe and it is that energy that creates and stimulates the growth of our understanding of WHAT IS. I can’t pretend to have the answers or of being right, it is not about rightness or what is good or bad, it is about the merging of something completely unknown and inexplicable at times and embracing its force in order to become it… So thank you Lord, for being that force that is within me and with me at all times. Because in the realm of what matters in this world and the short time I might spend here, it is about getting to know you and letting you teach me and guide my journey of what my life is all about. It is about letting others know the importance of the real essence of life and what it could be for each and everyone of us. No two existences are the same, and I want mine to leave a mark that says “SHE KNEW HOW TO LOVE” because the meaning of what LOVE is has intrigued me ever since I read the meaning of it in the Bible when I was only seven years old. I bask on those words in awe and wonder and until this day I continue to learn the million ways it could be present in my life.

And here I am… and I remain… for a moment, for a day, another year, for all eternity in this infinite presence of the divine.





Embracing the unknown

12 07 2015

Life is a constant embrace of the unknown, I  can plan events and trace my path towards goals and desires but in the end I never know what will come. Recreating a life takes a lot of imagination, soul search and determination. I never knew how uncomfortable the unknown would be for me; shortly after regaining my freedom it seemed exciting, fresh… Now is becoming more of a surprise and uncertainty. I never know if I am doing the right things as I bump into areas I’ve not explored for a long time. I am digging deep within to get to know all the details that are important to remain in my life, and the one that must go. I wish I had more time to meditate but I am so busy doing a million things in order to move forward in different areas of my life that it doesn’t seem urgent, when it truly is.

One of my deepest desires is to know and do God’s will in my life, I don’t seem to know yet. I know that when I find peace within I am stepping into the right direction. At times I feel like abandoning all my dreams related to love but I then find myself deeply sad and nostalgic. If that is the route I should take, I definitely need to be at peace with it and feel happiness, but I’m not. So I guess it is not be yet.

One thing I realized yesterday is that the circumstances I am facing today are not the same I faced almost 30 years ago in reference to a relationship. There are more dynamics involved since I will have to deal with multiple past relationships from potential partners, something I don’t know how to handle and to be honest would not like to deal with. It is a reality and even though I am content with what is happening in the rest of my life, there is a little empty space within I can’t seem to fill with anything.

How do you deal with the unknown? How do you feel dealing with your partner’s past relationships and make it work for the two of you? What would the advantages be to remain single?





Life used to be simple

21 12 2014

Only ten more days and 2014 will be a thing of the past. What have I lived and learned during this past year? I don’t know about you but I am still learning. As a matter of fact I began learning about my life as it started to collapse as I knew it for so long. Still puzzled by its complexity and ever changing form, very unpredictable and sometimes unfair, or is it? I learned that at times I am called to live hardships, injustice, be stripped of everything to be completely bare in order to be completely transformed. I feel like clay under the potter’s hands, completely undone and being reshaped into something new.

I thought that once a certain situation was completely over something magically would change my life, it has in so many ways but I still wait for the ultimate change that will bring me joy and love. Perhaps there is still more to learn before I get there. It is very early in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour now even though I went to bed late. My heart is longing and my mind is racing. These words needed to find a way out. In reality I don’t know what to expect on 2015, I’m not sure if I should even go there. I am here now and there is still ten more days in the calendar but all I have is now. What do I do with this moment, how do I move forward and make the best of it, how do I welcome the wonderful blessings that awaits me this day? I need to voice my heart feelings and longings, my acceptance that I am still willing to love and be loved. Life was so simple.

Life was simple when I had not lived enough to know that life could change in a blink of an eye. That what you perceived as real wasn’t at all, and that your heart could be shattered into a million pieces but somehow be made whole again. There are beautiful moments lived and many more to come I’m sure. If I have learned something is not to lose hope because it is in my darkest moments that I am about to face the sunrise in my life. It is in the moment that I feel I can’t, that God is going to take over for me and get it done. Every tear of doubt and loneliness that rolls over my face now is pain leaving my heart to give way to joy and peace.

I am so thankful for all I have lived this year, for at last seeing the chains coming off of me and to look at myself in the mirror and say it’s done and I am stronger for it. Most of the battle is done but like an earthquake that hits suddenly, once it stops sometimes later comes the aftershocks. Life used to be simple or was it? Maybe it was the way I viewed it, the uncomplicated matters I needed to deal with then and as the time went on I took more and more not paying attention to the effects.

This Christmas I will welcome Jesus into my heart, he who came hell and high water sustained me during the battle and I’m sure has even more wonderful things in store for me. Then I will welcome the New Year with hopes and dreams without measure because I am a child of God and there are many great things he has planned for me. He knows my deepest longing and I’ve prayed for so long. All my tears will be wiped away. But on my here and now I open my heart and receive his blessings, his manifestations of love into my life and I pray for wisdom to always do the right things but never forgetting that when I fall he is always right there reaching out his hands and I just saw his hand right now, handing me another one to join mine.

touch





Under a potter’s hands

9 08 2014

Faith is to believe in that which I cannot see. It is an abandonment of all I usually need to move forward; to know, see, prove, and explain. Trusting that I am blindly walking on a path constructed by the one who loves me the most, God, but I don’t necessarily know where is taking me. The emotions run on high sometimes because I want to know every single detail of my earthly journey and when I don’t I become anxious about the unknown. Having faith doesn’t mean I stay idle waiting for something; I must make the effort to move along somehow being hopeful and aware of what will unfold before me as I do, and then trust each step will take me closer to my goal.

Something strong could be chattered into dust and be rebuilt into something even stronger, different but stronger. When it doesn’t fill a good purpose anymore it is time to transform it, which is the beauty of starting anew. There is always hope for those who trust God and let themselves be molded like clay under a potter’s hand. There is power in letting go; because we are empty in order to be filled again with God’s grace, power and wisdom. I must not be blinded by what I see, but with what lies within a heart.





High powered emotions

13 01 2013

I guess in every transition in life, emotions play a big part. Changes challenges us to dig deep within and by moving us forward into unknown terrain many times brings about high powered emotions.

In my personal experience I am learning that pretending that everything is alright, even if it is to maintain the balance of family life, is wrong.  The balance you believe you maintained in order to provide a proper well being state become altered when reality hits all those involved. I know we do all this with the best intentions for our loved ones, specially our children but in the long run it could backfire. I don’t know how to justify a good relationship or to offer any hope that such thing exists or its possibility because even though I thought I had one, the reality is I never did. It is important that we learn how to identify  good and bad relationships in order to step or walk away from them along our life. Everyone needs to be treated with respect and be appreciated just the way they are. A relationship is the embracing of another human being in their own essence, to be enjoyed, cherished and to help it continue to grow and expand as it journey through life to complete its earthly mission. Any sign of resistance, put down, forced changed should be stopped in order to protect the essence of who that person is and what makes her feel happy and realized. 

I am slowly learning to not pay much attention to what others perceived of me by just looking at the external. As long as my conscience and my essence is not forced to be altered in order to please someone else, I move forward with my head high no matter what their thoughts and opinions are. In the end what is real is what is revealed and I have nothing to be afraid of. 

Life is a long journey towards our self and then toward the world around us, you can’t have just one. Our purpose is to shine in our own light and to share that light with those in tune to this purpose to move along making a big impact on others. Lately I have been able to get in contact with many people who are committed to move along those lines, and lend a helping hand to all those they encounter in order to live a good life. It took being REAL to be able to attract those people into my life and my circle of good friends. It took seeing the value I have as a human being instead of someone with a lot of shortcomings according to someone else perceptions. I am not perfect and have failed many times like everyone has,  but I have good values and I stand by truth. I would admit to my faults and learn from my mistakes. Most of all i know that the way I act towards others reflect the person that I am within. I still have a long way to go but at least right now I know that even though I have to go through some high powered emotions along the way it is okay to do so, because that means that I am in touch with my frail humanity which is made strong when I open my heart to my creator. He is guiding me to the path I must walk on and even though at times the terrain is rocky and I might fall, he is always there to help me up and to heal my wounds.   

 





Building almost from the ground up

30 01 2012

In the long and hard process of rebuilding a life from what it was to what it will be there is a way of getting to know myself and those around me. It is never a black and white situation in which I know what to do or think about all the dynamics of this process in order to move towards what I want my life to become. Sometimes is loaded of heart aches and disappointments but I’ve learned that it is when I go into it with a lot of expectations that this occurs. I have, little by little, begun to shed all of those thoughts of expectations and by doing so a lot of the past pain is less present in my life. I still have expectations but it has nothing to do with humanity, it has to be with the final destination which I want to reach within and in the universe. By letting go of human expectations I’ve been able to see more clearly reality around me. I realize that not everyone is going to be part of my journey or to offer me any comfort and I am okay with that. I walk along my path doing what my heart and soul wants and I understand that not everyone is going to be able appreciate it every time, but that is not my purpose when I give it away. Giving helps me grow in ways I never expected before and knowing that I am not withholding what’s inside me for fear or to protect myself liberates me.

There are certain satisfactions I can’t keep myself from offering others, to do so will be to bury the essence of who I am, and by satisfactions I mean acts mainly of service. What is given to me must be shared with others with no strings attached. In my opinion the more I give, the more is given back to me in one way or another. To have mental and emotional clarity is just what I need at this moment in this long journey. At times I think that certain people might be the ones that will have a long journey with me but all of the sudden I realize that not one person is meant to be there for you all the way through totally. We can’t depend on another human being to withstand the test of time in this arduous work that is meant to be a personal journey toward the unknown. Some people are there for you along the way and they manage to be “present” in the parts of one’s life but it is only in a fragmented way, they come in and out as their time allow them because they also have a long journey of their own and that is the one that they need to be constantly present at.

I wish I could say that I am glad at this moment in my life because it will take to encounter another human being who can share the many blessings I receive. To me it will be to be given the opportunity to be with someone who is willing to share his mind, body and soul, someone who allows me to be present along his journey in the same place of the universe. This time I will not pretend that it will be forever but I will like for it to be for as long as our paths align with each other’s progress along our life. To be opened to another human being is to trust that the other is totally aware that you are an important part of their earthly journey, someone who can contribute something you want and need in order to be nurtured and supported. I don’t believe we can be alone; we need the warmth and caring from one another at so many different levels during our existence. It has been an awful long time for me to be at this stage but I understand that there is a process and the longer I take to understand it, the longer it will be for me to reach or identify that special someone in my life journey. I do feel I’m getting closer and though it still hurts when I fail, I am not burden with the load of negative feelings like in the past. I try not to judge myself or others, things and people are just the way they are and they will be or go towards what they need to in order to complete their journey.

Rebuilding almost from the ground up is to be able to take what I’ve constructed and destroyed until now and to make it, in so many ways, into what is meant to be. The way I know if it is right is by closing my eyes and going within; if I feel tranquil I am on the right track. Turbulence, anxiety, guilt or stress means only one thing, not been where I was meant to be.

Clary Lopez
January 29, 2012





Learning a new Rhythm

17 11 2011

It has been many years in a foreign land, a land where I never decided to live in and even though I did my heart always was somewhere else. Now that somewhere else is here and in many ways I feel a little foreign in it. It’s ironic but at this time sentiments and habits created long ago are part of my being. As I embrace the land I always wanted to be in, I must also embrace what I become while on it. It is a slow process that I must learn to flow with in order to regain control of my life, a lot depends on it including my happiness.

To Quiet the heart does not come easy, even when the ideal circumstances are denied; it lingers, it waits, it dreams, it flies where it want to be and subliminally communicates with the other. Time will only tell if it will live or die.

I’m slowly learning to close my eyes, to look away, to keep my mind busy when it needs to in order to help let the time pass by. I realize that sometimes the torture is created within and mistakenly I expect the peace to come from external means, nothing is further from the truth, both are created within. I must decide which one to grow in order to move on, torture has lived way too long with me.

As I learn this new rhythm and even dance to it, I must also know that it will take time… It will be worthy at the end and my heart will be full of peace and joy, just like I dream, like I hope, like is meant to be against all the odds.