Never Again

12 10 2011

Usually I tried not to use the word “never” because in reality nobody knows what lies ahead. It is surprising to find ourselves doing or accepting something we said we would never do. But then again there are things we should make sure would never happen again. One of them is letting someone take control of our destiny, to not fight for what is our reason of being and our true essence. Those who do that to us are cowards, people who suck the life out of people in order for them to live. It is amazing to see how they come to life while they see you there half dead next to them. Love many times blind us to reality and the natural sacrifice we tend to do for our family direct our steps not realizing that we are walking towards a high cliff.

It is not our fault that some people can’t embrace who we are, but it is our fault to become someone we are not so they stay with us. It is a high price to pay and unfortunately many of us do just that in order not to be alone. We have to be real, honest and loving towards ourselves. We need to defend our being from being extinguished from this world. We need to stand up and say, no more!! If you don’t love me for who I am then you have no room in my life or my heart.

Relaxed and Grounded

15 06 2011

No, it’s not what I had planned for today but I embraced it and moved on. A day to first of all exercise my body, then tend to my soul and then to enjoy myself in ways I hardly ever took time before. It feels good to pick and choose what I want to do and just do it. I get behind the wheel and travel towards the beach. I don’t know what it is about the water that pulls me in more ways than one but I feel tranquil just by being by it. The sight is superb and there are so many little islands around that I can go to a different one by just driving 20-30 minutes from home.

Then a little window shopping doesn’t hurt anyone, right? Well, I couldn’t resist getting two great deals but all in all it was time to walk around, see people, smell wonderful aromas from the great restaurants and take a few pictures.

It was a hot steamy day and it is not high season for tourism right now but I sure could see a few people from Europe walking around speaking in their native tongue.

After I did my walk around the whole plaza I headed out to town but not before I made a stop at the park and visit my best friend, the sea. The wind blew and the sun shined high above me and I thought it would be a good place to come with my dog, Troy, for a nice stroll. Maybe next time I will do just that.

Got to enjoy every moment, who knows when it will be my last. I just lost a dear friend, a guy who was like my brother and it’s hard to believe that I will never see him again. He was so happy to have become a dad for the first time and it hurts me that he never got to celebrate Father’s Day because this was going to be his first… So I dedicate this post to Manolo, I know you can see me from where you are, my heart is with you my brother. Happy Father’s Day now and always.

In Loving Memory of Manolo Mont
June 13, 2011

About Loss

19 04 2010

On Saturday my uncle passed away. Even though he was in a coma we were all praying for a miracle. Back in December when he was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, he knew his time was short. After seeing his children one by one and seeing that they were all fine he was ready to go, but his brothers and sisters and extended family was not. It kills me to be so far away from them, out of the country and unable to do a thing. His younger brother took on the task to care for him 100% and in the process was getting sick himself. Sick of looking at how his dear brother’s life slipped away from him even though he was giving his all, even though he cried out to God. I have no idea how the last moments of his life were, or who was with him. All I know is that I saw the status my cousin’s status on Facebook and it expressed his pain for his parting.

I remembered all the moments we spent together and I started looking in my computer for pictures of him, it was from three years ago when I visited home and we took the time to pose for pictures with each and every single member of our family. At the time it was a way to make sure my mom would have pictures of everyone since I was bringing her with me after she was diagnosed with cancer as well. Thank God that her treatment worked and she is now in remission but back then they thought they would never see her again. I looked at the picture and I saw my uncle’s smile, now that I think about it I always saw him smile, I never saw him sad or mad. That is the image I will have of him. I heard that there was a special Mass said for him where the priest spoke beautifully of him and that tomorrow the Firemen at the Fire Station where he volunteered ever since he got out of the ARMY will have a big Honoring Ceremony in his memory. I am glad. It consoles me that he touched so many lives and that his life work and dedication transcended his family.

But for some reason I also was very torn and sad, mainly because I realize how the living sometimes are good as dead in their relationships with others, because they are so disconnected with each other and because they don’t care many times about the pain they cause to others. That absence hurts me deeper than losing someone I love to death, it feels like a slap on the face, like being used for the time being or for the momentary personal situation they are going through and then they quickly forget about my existence. It hurts more than death. It makes me wonder about how we love or say we love one another, how easy we utter the words but how short we come up to demonstrate that love. Oh, if everyone would know how much it hurts. But what can I do other than to try to forget and move on, to cut my losses and not expect anything from anyone but myself because that is the only person I can control? Most of all I have to learn to heal my wounds and hope that the lacerations don’t get infected with resentment and lose my hope and optimism. Not everyone is the same and there are some really good people, like my uncle, out there that with their actions demonstrated that one person can make a big difference and that this world is a better place just for having witnessed and shared his life here on earth.

So to you, Nicodemo, I salute you for your outstanding example and I know that from Heaven you are smiling, even though all we can do now is cry your physical absence. Until we see each other again.

Love always,
Your niece

Real Love

13 02 2010

As the time goes by, more and more I realize how true love shapes and molds our existence. It is the ultimate goal; to find it, to feel it and to hold on to it. I believe all human nature comes short to love the way we should, even though we keep trying. It is a consolation to me that I am loved without measure by the one who came to teach us how is done. One day I hope to grasp the process of at least a third of what he feels for all of us and transmit that into my life. It is not an easy task, I can’t believe sometimes the way he show us this most amazing love. I am afraid I come so short of the ideal but I believe it is possible.

What is your concept of love? Do you have a model to follow? How have you done so far?

Motivated not Manipulated

3 01 2010

Everyone has their dreams and desires, everyone wants something from their life and expect certain things from others when in reality all we are entitled to is NOTHING. Really, my life is a long list of expectations from myself, my family and friends. No more, I will not be manipulated into anything unless I feel I am ready to move forward and I won’t say anything that I don’t really mean to make someone happy.

Brand New

29 12 2009

The end of the year approaches and with it the thoughts, purpose and desires to make it better than the last. New year resolutions are ancient traditions we have tried to practice year after year. I say try because sometimes we fail to accomplish everything we set out to do. I think is has to do with looking at our circumstances realistically and not measuring our commitments accurately, it happen to me many times.

I believe all of us have changed tremendously in the past few years, our hard economic situations has brought us back to the basics and many are starting all over again. We have learned what is truly important and dispose of what is not. We are concentrating our energy in learning more about ourselves and what we are really supposed to do in life. We are finding new meaning and value in the gifts God has given us and are utilizing them for our benefit. We are more aware of our surroundings and what is going on in this world in order to find the flow we should go this time around and survive.

This year my whole life changed and I’ve been on a completely new terrain that God set before me. For a while I did not know in which capacity I would be able to contribute in the regular work force; all I knew what to do was to raise a family, teach my kids, write and work from home. I had no worries. When the storm came all of that changed in a flash and it was obvious my life would never be the same even if I wanted to. Change is the word of the present moment and one I am trying to get accustomed to since I have been so used to stability. I have to admit it is scary at times but as the time goes by I realize it is a necessary evil in order to move forward. It is not easy to change outlooks and habits, it is painful at times. If I am learning something this year is to go more with my intuition, looking back I noticed how many times I ignored it and that is the reason why so many of my heartaches spring forth. I know I’m not the only one who does this, most of us think that those things are childish and that you only do it when you are young and have no responsibilities, at least I did. We should not change so dramatically when we decide to share our life with someone else, there is no need to recreate something that was real. There should always be a mutual respect and admiration for who we are and what we stand for and encourage the other to grow in all directions in order to accomplish a common goal with gladness.

In 2010 I know there will be a lot of stretching, fine tuning and adjusting, it already began. It will be a year to face fears, to take risks and chances, to embrace who I truly am and love it. It will be a chance to be innocent again without the thought that is childish. It will be a year to be true to myself and not try to tone down who I am to please anyone. It will the year that if someone loves me will embrace me just the way I am, without being ashamed or threaten by it.

How do you think your 2010 would look like? What changes are you going to make?

I wish all of you a great 2010, one that shines beyond your imagination!!

It Takes Time

9 12 2009

Have you ever wanted something in life and just couldn’t wait? Have you pushed the limits even though many obstacles stood on the way? Did you ignored your intuition and went along with what you had in mind? These are all valid and important things to consider when reaching for that next level in whatever it is you do and want.

My life has changed in ways I did not expect in the last five years, I knew deep inside a new path will present itself for me to walk on. It happens to all of us as we grow and continue to grow in knowledge and understanding of who we are, our purpose, and look to be happy in life. It has been a long road, one rocky at times, causing lots of hurt and happiness as well. I have cried and I have laughed like I haven’t in a very long time and I learned the true value of friendship.

I look to the future with optimism and hope and continue to be guided by my previously ignored instinct. There is hope when a glimpse of inspiration flourishes in a spare of the moment. When somehow one soul connects to another and they can identify or encourage another. When someone stumbles upon this blog and finds in it something of value to them. Is all worth the time and the wait involved as I progress along an unknown path.

It takes time to hone down what is of real value and to guard, protect and sometimes fight for it. The steps must be firm and unhurried for caution is the key to the ultimate success. It is about reaching conclusions that will move us forward even though at times we might have to take a step back to access alternatives. Most of all is about realizing that in life most of the time, worthwhile things takes time.

Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity Richness of Life

And What About Grandma

9 10 2009


Time have changed so many things, one of them I believe is the way we see our grandmas. I remembered when visiting or receiving grandma at our home it was always a joyous occasion. I loved the way she listened to me and the special little things she would sometimes bring me, most of them were little and very inexpensive but just to know she thought of me was enough.

Life has become a place where you live where you can survive and not where you want to be. Families used to live closed to each other throughout their life and in that process they saw each other grow up and helped one another when needed. I won’t paint a rosie picture of the whole experience because sometimes there were moments you wished they were far away but grandmas somehow made things alright.

It breaks my heart to hear of grandmas being placed in nursing homes and then forgotten by their families. I realize that life moves so rapidly that before you know it your day is all gone; between work, house work, the kids, your spouse and all the activities you are lucky to have time for yourself. The days go by and grandma waits lonely in a cold room far away from all she holds dear, thinking that today maybe is the day she gets that visit, that call and nights fall down. Another day without you. She wonders why, how and for how long she will have to endure the pain and sorrow in her heart. Better days come to mind as her tears roll down her cheeks and wonder… If the grandma happens to be Hispanic and her kids moved to the United States now she has another barrier that keeps her faraway from her family, the language. It is so sad to see parents who replace their native language for the one they are living around now and don’t take the time and effort to teach their language to their kids. When grandma comes they can’t even talk anymore and they long to get to know them.

I thank God I lived in a generation that had the blessing to enjoy grandmas and that I had the chance to be with them a lot, I knew them and they knew me. They taught me their favorite dishes and made me my favorite food. I called them when I was far away and told them how much I missed and loved them. I also wrote letters to them. I played, I cried, I laughed and I grew to be who I am because of them. I learned by their mistakes and by their advice, and I was in awe when I heard all they went through. There is not a moment I did not want to be with them, even on their death bed and I will forever love and carry them in my heart.

So what about your grandma? Your kids’ grandma? Have you taken the time to talk or visit them today? Do you know she is waiting for you and no matter how long it has been she will still love you just the same as if you were there yesterday, even though you were not?

Standing Tall

30 09 2009


Nobody said we need to be work shipped, honored, or adored but one thing I believe we all need to be is respected. Respected for who we are, what we hold dear and most of all respected as a human being. Everyone is entitled to that because we were created in the image of God.

When someone is disrespected normally they look for some way of retaliation and in that process they may even hurt those associated with them in order to cause even more damage. I don’t believe such behavior should go unpunished. Anyone who willfully look for ways to hurt others must be ready for the same. How could anyone in their right mind complain about the effects of a bad action without looking at how they whole thing started? With them. Now, I am not saying that I haven’t done any bad things in my life but I have tried not to do them intentionally.

Revenge is a strong word and one I don’t like to be associated with but many actions could be called revenge. Now, what I do believe in is in standing tall in the face of insults, humiliation and hurt. There comes a time when I need to stand firm on my ground and let others know that is not okay to disrespect me in any way, shape or form. Sometimes the measures that need to be taken in order for them to listen are drastic but the main thing is that they are crystal clear to the individual. If possible I would not like to remind them of the boundaries set forth in the discussion but I would not hesitate to do so if necessary. This is my modus operandi right now and it will continue to be. Passive no more.

What do you do to stand tall?

Esoteric Realms

21 09 2009


I yearn for silence, for solitude, for those moments when my mind is detached in such a way that is able to fly and go places I have never being and I understand in ways it was impossible before. It is a ray of light illuminating my mind, my heart and soul and then the thoughts, emotions, and words are free to flow easily. It hasn’t been the case for a long time now, I lost track of time in the middle of turmoil, noise and pain. I need to get it back somehow. I’m coming back to the original place where all seem to be so right and creativity flourished almost effortlessly. It is never in total isolation but in the sharing of like minds and thoughts that somehow sustain and inspire to create even more. It is to find that connection of the seen and unseen that completes the picture many times. I am not sure who would understand, perhaps only those who have experience or yearn to experience the same. I don’t believe it is a unique gift but it is something few touch upon because those few are the ones with enough courage to claim the space they need to experience it. It is not easy sometimes, especially when there are so many other things out of control and most of the time we want to control them. In the end the one who suffer is the one with their wings tied up.

Words are like the air I breathe, without them flowing I feel like dying. There are integral to my well being and my health, it is not good to bottle up emotions, anger and hate. A volcano can not be contained. I am afraid that is what I have done as the tremors shook deep within loosing up the soil and fragmenting what used to be solid. It is new terrain, one that I am sure in time can be even better than it was. Dreaming gives hope and refreshes the soul, it is something to look forward to even though we don’t know the way. It is taking one step at a time expecting to succeed. Not everything fall on a straight line, and everything that does not works out fine all the time, the more delightful rides sometimes are the ones on a scenic route even though it takes longer. I can’t keep starring at the many curves, turns and crossroads while I miss the view around me. I need to stop and walk slowly in order not to miss the details of what is trying to touch me and transform me.

I see an open gate, a cool fresh dawn before me and a inspiring breeze letting me know I am still alive. I close my physical eyes and open my inner vision, then I breathe in. The tension goes away and rushing through comes my long forgotten friend, inspiration. Where has it been? Why it took so long? Why did I let it go? Who said I could control my fate, or what others decide to do in the end? Who said I would never get hurt again? It was a really good try, a good run, one I thought I won but found myself instead with an empty shell. There is an ideal but never an absolute, there is always a way to find the way.