Learning a new Rhythm

17 11 2011

It has been many years in a foreign land, a land where I never decided to live in and even though I did my heart always was somewhere else. Now that somewhere else is here and in many ways I feel a little foreign in it. It’s ironic but at this time sentiments and habits created long ago are part of my being. As I embrace the land I always wanted to be in, I must also embrace what I become while on it. It is a slow process that I must learn to flow with in order to regain control of my life, a lot depends on it including my happiness.

To Quiet the heart does not come easy, even when the ideal circumstances are denied; it lingers, it waits, it dreams, it flies where it want to be and subliminally communicates with the other. Time will only tell if it will live or die.

I’m slowly learning to close my eyes, to look away, to keep my mind busy when it needs to in order to help let the time pass by. I realize that sometimes the torture is created within and mistakenly I expect the peace to come from external means, nothing is further from the truth, both are created within. I must decide which one to grow in order to move on, torture has lived way too long with me.

As I learn this new rhythm and even dance to it, I must also know that it will take time… It will be worthy at the end and my heart will be full of peace and joy, just like I dream, like I hope, like is meant to be against all the odds.





Never Again

12 10 2011

Usually I tried not to use the word “never” because in reality nobody knows what lies ahead. It is surprising to find ourselves doing or accepting something we said we would never do. But then again there are things we should make sure would never happen again. One of them is letting someone take control of our destiny, to not fight for what is our reason of being and our true essence. Those who do that to us are cowards, people who suck the life out of people in order for them to live. It is amazing to see how they come to life while they see you there half dead next to them. Love many times blind us to reality and the natural sacrifice we tend to do for our family direct our steps not realizing that we are walking towards a high cliff.

It is not our fault that some people can’t embrace who we are, but it is our fault to become someone we are not so they stay with us. It is a high price to pay and unfortunately many of us do just that in order not to be alone. We have to be real, honest and loving towards ourselves. We need to defend our being from being extinguished from this world. We need to stand up and say, no more!! If you don’t love me for who I am then you have no room in my life or my heart.





From the Ashes…

23 07 2011

Nothing could be more painful than to be consumed by fire and converted into ash. It is a good analogy for the trials and sorrows in life but also for the process in which many of us go through in order to be transformed into something new or give way to a new life. It is painful but not even a trace of what it was must remain in order to give way to something completely new. In the heat of the moment we don’t realize it but given past experiences it is the way it should be.

Gathering strength gets harder and harder as we try to hold on to fragments of what it was, it is not until we let go that our hands are empty to be filled again with our reward. It is a battle in which the warrior must shed the worthless weapon and quickly reach for one more suited for the fight at hand. He must be quick or risk the chance to be deadly wounded. Perhaps we wait too long in this process, I know, I’m guilty of that. I waited so long that sometimes I feel half alive and my strength is just not there anymore. I must lay in the fire until I am totally consumed and then when it is all done my ashes will be free to be blown by the wind. I will no longer be confined to one place in time but be free to fly wherever the wind leads me. I need to stop fighting this transition and let go of all I know, which now hurts me, and embrace the now and be opened to what the future will bring. It is not easy, but in time I know I will do just that and a better life will be before me.

From the ashes I will rise a brand new being and will never turn back trying to become what was, but I will embrace all the possibilities and take advantage of the opportunities of a brand new life.





Dream Reflection

22 11 2010

I hardly ever dream anymore, what seemed to be an overactive imagination has become dormant. Somehow last night I had a vivid a dream, a dream of the going back to where we moved from, another time, another life. So much has changed, eleven years has gone by and nothing is the same. It seems to me that when relationships should had become easier, they became the hardest, and everyone is just drifting apart.

We are in a place where we dreamed to be and yet, in the dream I cried that we should have never moved to this place. Everywhere I look now it reminds of the place where my whole life went upside down. The beach used to be a place I looked forward to be at -and I still do- and yet I haven’t gone in a month or so. Perhaps I need to do that. Something deep inside is calling me to go within. I don’t think I will move to another place though, it took too much hard work to make it here, but I have to make peace with all the emotions I experience now.

I am trying to find guidance from my grandma, she went through the same I did and handled it completely different. I wonder what she would tell me if she would still be here. I believe that if it is God’s will, she will somehow let me know how to move forward with my life. All I want is to feel happiness again and I have to stop trying to look for it in others, it must come from within. My self-talk needs to change, my memories somehow must fade away.

In time I know everything will change, my world will be peaceful and my joy will return. Love will be something I will feel again and when I least expected it that message I am waiting for will make its way to me. I just need to be patient. Time is flying by, and I don’t want to feel like I am wasting the little time I might have here on earth. At any given moment I can be called to go home.





Easy and Hard

31 03 2010

I have to admit that I am very mad at this moment and it takes all that is in me to stay come. It would be really easy to just react and speak my mind but where would that take me? I would probably be blown of by being hysterical or to try to pick a fight, I won’t go that route. Hard is to hold it in and to do what I think is best at this moment, be quiet. I am evaluating a lot of different variables, behaviors, and customs in order to know if I am on the right path. But what I really feel like right now is stepping out for a minute and scream.





Reality

7 02 2010

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
Lao Tzu

It seems simple, clear, understandable and yet we don’t get to this conclusion easily. We go around hoping, wishing, waiting for our reality to be what we want it to be, instead of embracing what it is and accepting that life and time changes everything.

What is your understanding of reality?





Motivated not Manipulated

3 01 2010

Everyone has their dreams and desires, everyone wants something from their life and expect certain things from others when in reality all we are entitled to is NOTHING. Really, my life is a long list of expectations from myself, my family and friends. No more, I will not be manipulated into anything unless I feel I am ready to move forward and I won’t say anything that I don’t really mean to make someone happy.