Embracing the unknown

12 07 2015

Life is a constant embrace of the unknown, I  can plan events and trace my path towards goals and desires but in the end I never know what will come. Recreating a life takes a lot of imagination, soul search and determination. I never knew how uncomfortable the unknown would be for me; shortly after regaining my freedom it seemed exciting, fresh… Now is becoming more of a surprise and uncertainty. I never know if I am doing the right things as I bump into areas I’ve not explored for a long time. I am digging deep within to get to know all the details that are important to remain in my life, and the one that must go. I wish I had more time to meditate but I am so busy doing a million things in order to move forward in different areas of my life that it doesn’t seem urgent, when it truly is.

One of my deepest desires is to know and do God’s will in my life, I don’t seem to know yet. I know that when I find peace within I am stepping into the right direction. At times I feel like abandoning all my dreams related to love but I then find myself deeply sad and nostalgic. If that is the route I should take, I definitely need to be at peace with it and feel happiness, but I’m not. So I guess it is not be yet.

One thing I realized yesterday is that the circumstances I am facing today are not the same I faced almost 30 years ago in reference to a relationship. There are more dynamics involved since I will have to deal with multiple past relationships from potential partners, something I don’t know how to handle and to be honest would not like to deal with. It is a reality and even though I am content with what is happening in the rest of my life, there is a little empty space within I can’t seem to fill with anything.

How do you deal with the unknown? How do you feel dealing with your partner’s past relationships and make it work for the two of you? What would the advantages be to remain single?





Return

23 08 2014

pinones001

Misplaced for a year and longing to be by the shore. I am thankful that for the time I must be here, the shore is not too far away. I sit on the sand close to the wave breaker and contemplate the beauty of the big body of water before me. I listen to the melodic sounds of the waves as they come to meet the shore and the birds as they get ready to feed before the sunset. There is always a lot of people around me but not with me. Families playing in the water, couples walking on the shore, moms taking pictures of their sons and friends having a good time while the beautiful sunset colors paint the background of their memories.

Time and space seems to stand still but as I see the sun go down I know time is passing even if I would like to hold on to that moment for an eternity. I keep asking God what can I do to remain by the shore, to remain in the peace and tranquility of that moment. There are so many unanswered questions but somehow I know he is moving along where I should be and that in time I will know the answer.

Last night in talking to a friend I got part of that answer and perhaps it was not what I expected but it is becoming clear to me. In the uncertainty of my personal life and in trying to make lifetime decisions I was steered away of my thoughts about what I should give up. I must be strong and stand up to demand what I’ve earn during twenty-five years of sacrifice of my life. That sacrifice yield a legacy that I am still trying to lead towards excellence. It is an individual choice at this point but my children are my treasure and I will always be close to them whenever they need me. God knows the urgency to resolve my personal affairs so that I can return home, he won’t let me be one minute late. I ask him not to let those who gave me life to suffer alone on their last days on earth.

I will be back and by the shore because that is what my heart tells me I will be. It is the only place I see myself whole and content for the rest of my earthly life. It won’t be too long my dear ones; it won’t be too long…





Before the Sunrise

26 10 2009

xianstudio_keys_sunrise
Picture by XianStudio 2009

There is darkness and in against that darkness the minimal light shines, shines beyond our expectations. The moon, the stars and then comes a gentle breeze. The dew permeates nature refreshing, feeding it. The small creatures of the night sing and a whole range of unseen actions dancing through the night.

I am always fascinated with how nature resembles the changes we have to go through at times. Everything evolves, grows and changes if there is life in them. Controlling or placing plants or animals away from the environment from where they were created for can cause their death. I believe we are the same, finding the place where we can flourish and continue to grow takes a good sense who we are, what we want and a healthy way to express it. We sometimes uproot ourselves in order to survive and sometimes we do it at a high price which we are willing to pay no matter what. Sometimes it is worth it, others not. I believe that if we do it for our dreams and purpose in life it usually works out, but not at the sacrifice of it. Once we sacrifice our dreams and purpose in life we slowly begin to wither inside and even though we might be well financially it is rare that we achieve our full potential.

What is your experience?