And I remain…

April 23, 2016, my birthday once more. Time to not only celebrate but to thank God for all lived and not lived. Every morning when I open my eyes the first thing on my mind, soul, my words are of gratitude.   Gratitude because I’m blessed with another day, another opportunity to continue on my path to what I am meant to do in this world, for however long that might be.

This past year was packed with new experiences, some not so good if you look at it from a worldly point of view, but in the realm of God’s infinite goodness it was a very valuable and enriched time to continue to grow inside and out. I learned that life is short and that it could change in a blink of an eye, that accidents are not accidents, there are allowed to push me forward in a more speedy way. That God always have my back, no matter who is or not is with me in this journey of life. I can count on him no matter what. I have not earned any of this, God’s love for me has no measures and no conditions.

I was blessed with a job who kept me close to him no matter the circumstances and even though at times my faith was tested, I remained close to him learning to overlook the faults of others who do not reflected him as I thought they should. But who am I to judge anyone? I am so imperfect and perfect at the same time. When I rely on him, my shallow being becomes all he wants me to be since the moment he thought of my existence. I become strong on him when I lean on him on my weakest moments. I become wise when I don’t trust myself and others and run to him for spiritual guidance. His peace within me tells me that I am on the right path, and that whatever comes my way he will be with me if I step aside and let him do his thing.

Living by faith and letting myself be guided, almost continuously, have enriched my life. At times is like walking into a dark cave, as my feet touch the ground and I extend out my arms to let my senses guide me where and how to move ahead. It is turning on an extrasensory radar in order to navigate my body, mind and soul into the depths of the unknown. Life is so amazingly challenging sometimes, but I’ve found that resistance makes it unbearable to the point of brokenness. When I feel my life bending in ways I don’t expect and it begins to hurt, I try my best to let go because if I try to hold on tight to whatever it is, it could snap. I had couple of moments this year in which I tried hard to hold on, and at that moment it snapped. It wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to remain. The hurt was like a knife cutting the most precious part of my body and soul…. my heart. Change and transformation entails a lot of pain and frustration sometimes. But trusting that God helps me navigate in whichever way I choose to, while keeping a close eye on me just in case I need assistance, is comforting. It is like a mother letting her child step away from her into the world, letting him experience life and this world as it is but at the same time looking from afar ready to rescue him or guide him as soon as he turns to her.

On this birthday I want most of all to continue on my designated path, a path that in part I have chosen guided totally by God. It might not be the most easy path to travel on, believe me, I envisioned something else but by experience I’ve learned  to look for the markers God has placed for me so that I find my way. If I have learned something this year is that no matter what, everything that comes and goes into my life is allowed with a strong and meaningful purpose to enrich, transform or to fulfill my spiritual existence which is eternal. I’ve also learned to say “I love you” more often with no connotation of a romantic love but one of pure sentiment we should all have for all humanity, the animals and this world. Love transcends the universe and it is that energy that creates and stimulates the growth of our understanding of WHAT IS. I can’t pretend to have the answers or of being right, it is not about rightness or what is good or bad, it is about the merging of something completely unknown and inexplicable at times and embracing its force in order to become it… So thank you Lord, for being that force that is within me and with me at all times. Because in the realm of what matters in this world and the short time I might spend here, it is about getting to know you and letting you teach me and guide my journey of what my life is all about. It is about letting others know the importance of the real essence of life and what it could be for each and everyone of us. No two existences are the same, and I want mine to leave a mark that says “SHE KNEW HOW TO LOVE” because the meaning of what LOVE is has intrigued me ever since I read the meaning of it in the Bible when I was only seven years old. I bask on those words in awe and wonder and until this day I continue to learn the million ways it could be present in my life.

And here I am… and I remain… for a moment, for a day, another year, for all eternity in this infinite presence of the divine.

Life used to be simple

Only ten more days and 2014 will be a thing of the past. What have I lived and learned during this past year? I don’t know about you but I am still learning. As a matter of fact I began learning about my life as it started to collapse as I knew it for so long. Still puzzled by its complexity and ever changing form, very unpredictable and sometimes unfair, or is it? I learned that at times I am called to live hardships, injustice, be stripped of everything to be completely bare in order to be completely transformed. I feel like clay under the potter’s hands, completely undone and being reshaped into something new.

I thought that once a certain situation was completely over something magically would change my life, it has in so many ways but I still wait for the ultimate change that will bring me joy and love. Perhaps there is still more to learn before I get there. It is very early in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour now even though I went to bed late. My heart is longing and my mind is racing. These words needed to find a way out. In reality I don’t know what to expect on 2015, I’m not sure if I should even go there. I am here now and there is still ten more days in the calendar but all I have is now. What do I do with this moment, how do I move forward and make the best of it, how do I welcome the wonderful blessings that awaits me this day? I need to voice my heart feelings and longings, my acceptance that I am still willing to love and be loved. Life was so simple.

Life was simple when I had not lived enough to know that life could change in a blink of an eye. That what you perceived as real wasn’t at all, and that your heart could be shattered into a million pieces but somehow be made whole again. There are beautiful moments lived and many more to come I’m sure. If I have learned something is not to lose hope because it is in my darkest moments that I am about to face the sunrise in my life. It is in the moment that I feel I can’t, that God is going to take over for me and get it done. Every tear of doubt and loneliness that rolls over my face now is pain leaving my heart to give way to joy and peace.

I am so thankful for all I have lived this year, for at last seeing the chains coming off of me and to look at myself in the mirror and say it’s done and I am stronger for it. Most of the battle is done but like an earthquake that hits suddenly, once it stops sometimes later comes the aftershocks. Life used to be simple or was it? Maybe it was the way I viewed it, the uncomplicated matters I needed to deal with then and as the time went on I took more and more not paying attention to the effects.

This Christmas I will welcome Jesus into my heart, he who came hell and high water sustained me during the battle and I’m sure has even more wonderful things in store for me. Then I will welcome the New Year with hopes and dreams without measure because I am a child of God and there are many great things he has planned for me. He knows my deepest longing and I’ve prayed for so long. All my tears will be wiped away. But on my here and now I open my heart and receive his blessings, his manifestations of love into my life and I pray for wisdom to always do the right things but never forgetting that when I fall he is always right there reaching out his hands and I just saw his hand right now, handing me another one to join mine.