A forced meditation

3 05 2015

Lady-giving-thanks

Meditation used to be part of my daily routine, in time life took me into a war I had to fight hard and long to survive, and meditation took the back seat. After I resolved most of my personal issues related to my divorce and the big change in my life, I could not find the right time and place for meditation. The time I used to spend to mediate helped me to be sane, whole, clear and focus in the past. I attribute my mere survival during my difficult marriage to this practice. I know how important it is for our spiritual well-being, for our mind and soul. We are more than just a body and maintaining a balance is important for our health.

In my busy life schedule these days I kept neglecting the fact that I have a soul that I need to attend to.  God in his infinite wisdom has done everything to slow me down, to provide for me, to care for me in ways I never expected and still I did almost nothing to get back to meditation. Well, the ultimate happened last night, I lost my voice. I don’t remember ever getting sick and losing my voice. Last night was very important to me and at the end I struggled to used the last sounds from my vocal cords to express how I felt after a bitter disappointment. My hopes and dreams were shot down once more, I have no idea what else to do. Today I can’t emit a sound and even though it was a beautiful clear day outside I went nowhere. I watched Super Soul Sunday, and guess what was the theme today, meditation.

So here I am, writing to you and reflecting upon all that had happen to take me up to this moment. What is the purpose of having one of the most essential body functions taken away from me, my voice, and forcing me to silence in order for the spirit to be heard from within?  I have to admit that I love God but lately I am getting resentful of the love I’ve been denied of. I know he knows best and at the same time I keep pushing to have control over it. I don’t believe in crossing my arms and do nothing about what could be the rest of my life. I am afraid to surrender, I am a relentless fighter and giving up is not my forte, but what am I to do when the most desired prize feels unattainable? Believe it or not, I am meditating right now, I pause in between the words as they appear on the screen and I breathe in deeply… I must give up and surrender. I have to drop all my weapons to the ground, take off my shield and walk out defenseless unto whatever it is I will face. I feel like I am walking into the arena to be devoured by the lions. I guess the answer is Trust. I have to admit that I am afraid to trust, I’ve been hurt so many times because of it. I realize that it has not been my fault; I can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, integrity, and honesty.  I see no other alternative but to trust right now;  I am tired, disappointed, sad and stripped of options here. I SURRENDER LORD, I yield to your will in my life. I put on your loving hands my dreams and desires, the love I so yearn to feel here on earth. I am dropping all my battle gear to the ground, I stand vulnerable before you so that you can clothe me with LOVE. You know how difficult this is for me. You made me a warrior in order to help me survive all my battles so far but this one belongs to YOU, you want to fight it for me and I will let you do it.





Partnership or dictatorship

8 03 2015

migdalia-arellano-tropical-resort-i

It could happen to anyone. We are raised with certain customs and assumptions when it comes to love and marriage. Love is something we all want in our life and at the same is so fleeting today. I believe that what we know about relationships has a big part on the kind of relationships we develop with each other.

I was young, naive and ill equipped to know what a good relationship looked like. I followed on the steps of an old society that had nothing to do with the current era and I assumed I was doing the right things. What I failed to realize, I came to understand almost three decades later when I faced my failed relationship. Life is a classroom, I learn by my mistakes, by the chances I take and by the experiences I gain. There is no wishful thinking at work here, life it is what it is, good or bad reality and as I deal with it.  But I also learned that life is also exactly the way I think about it. I can choose to see a glass half full or half empty.

Happy and successful relationship are to be partnerships not a dictatorship.  That was a lesson I had not learned before I began the most important relationship of my life, my marriage. I gave total control of my life to someone who did not have my best interest in mind but his own. I am still questioning a lot of things but unlike in the past, I don’t blame myself anymore. The problem with a dictatorship relationship is that you are constantly blamed for everything, the dictator never takes responsibility for the outcomes of his acts. I have come to an understanding that I surrendered my power to someone else voluntarily in order to maintain the peace I longed for my kids and me.  I paid a very high price for that peace and at the end everything fell apart anyway. I want to believe that there was good reason for it all and that is not too late to experience what a true partnership is all about. I am positive, happy, moving forward as I wait for that moment.

When someone expects everything  from you without “serving” you in return you are in a dictatorship. This is the way a lot of our grandparents lived decades ago. That was all I was familiar with, even though I saw a little serving from my dad to my mom when I was young. Now years later I saw my dad’s  total giving and serving to my mother while she was diagnosed with a Lymphoma was a true example of what a partnership in marriage is. She deserves his total dedication because she has done exactly the same for him.

In this day and age, being single again had put me face to face with a lot of selfish individuals. People who live behind thick “walls” to keep distance from one another. People who do not know how to “serve” without expecting anything in return and fearing they will be taken advantage of. Past experiences are part of their mentality but we can’t be boxed in the past, as long as we do, we’ll  missing on the great possibilities ahead. I know well how scary it could be to put yourself out there with the possibility to be hurt again, I’ve felt it. However, if I don’t, I would not be living. Being armed with my new learned knowledge from my success and failures will pave my future. I trust myself and my ability to create a great partnership next time around. It took a long time but the rewards will be measured to the way I continue to be true and faithful to whom I am and the immense value of my soul. Nobody can steal that from me and nobody will pressure me to give it randomly without any kind of personal evaluation of the person who might want to be part of my life. True loving partnerships are awesome and that is what I want for my life, I won’t settle for anything less and neither should you. My life had to be completely destroyed in order to rebuild it the right way, with God by my side guiding me every step of the way. He is showing me what real love is about and how it should be expressed. His love for me and his constant presence in my life is the measure I will use for my next relationship. I might have to wait a while but there is a lot to do in the meantime and I trust his time knowing that he knows exactly what I deserve to get in this life.





Admitting Our Faults

14 08 2008

One of the worst situations we can find ourselves in is the one when we have to admit that whatever happened was our fault. Our ego hurt when we take responsability for the mistakes we make in life. It could be either our actions or inactions the provokes our failures.

As a person who likes to take charge and make things happen, when I fail I tend to get very upset. But at the same time I tend to blame others for not following my directions. The reality is that sometimes those who are under our guidance many times can’t see the importance and urgency of the requested actions and we need to force them to act for the time being. In the case of raising children it is easy to make mistakes, I wish that guide on how to raise them will show up someday, but every individual is unique and I’m afraid each parent has to write their own. Admitting that we don’t know it all and that many times we have dropped the ball for whatever reason, doesn’t come easy. All we can do in moments like these is admit it, communicate it and work with the person to make it work and help them solve the problems at hand. I believe this is a great lesson on humility.

I want to believe that everything happens for a reason and even though I can’t possibly understand it now, I have no doubt that God knows way better than me. We provoke many of the things that happen to us but God always guide us out of our own mess if we let him.

So there you go; I messed up and dropped the ball, now is time to face the consequences and somehow find a way to make it work. It won’t be easy but with God’s help I will find a way, I’m sure. I just need to pray, lay it on his hands and see him work it out. I need to be alert to his promptings and must of all Trust, it will be okay. Next time I won’t assume someone else knows as much as I do and will try to teach them what they need, I will push if I have to and I will praise when I see an improvement. Most of all I will tell them the good things I expect from them, that always make the other do their best.

###
Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life