Endless Tears

26 10 2014

I guess now I know the reason to avoid at all costs the reality of solitude. It strips me bare, leaves me without defense against what tore the heart and soul. It touches emotions I might as well live without when they provoke tears, pain and sorrow. I breathe in and out trying to contain the emotions, to keep controlled and with a clear mind. It is not good to hold on to emotions for too long, is not good to be alone for a long time either.

Stretch my arms to the heavens, looking out for that star that will guide me in the dark. Wrap myself under the covers to feel the warmth of a body who wants to turn cold. I want to see the light, I want to let myself go into the infinity or a realm of things and a place unknown but was promised to us. A valley full of flowers where only light, peace and happiness exists. A place where there is no more tears, where joy reigns.

I saw a lighthouse at a distance so long ago, it was a promise to always be there, just on the breakers to help me find my way, to help me be safe. I am either right on the open sea, far, far away from shore. I don’t see a dim light but strong waves coming at me and I’m growing weary. If only I knew that in a short time I will see that light…I guess these are the warrior tears in between battles, trying to stay alive knowing well the enemy is relentless and the battle seems endless. With it the emotions come and go as I need to control them in order to survive. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, a week, a month, a year, and years. Time to wash away the tears to clear my vision and keep on, there is no other way to remain alive.

On a Mission

11 04 2009

Piracy US Ships USS Boxer, Picture by the Associated Press

Yesterday was the remembrance of the Lord’s Passion and Death, as I sat on the pew and listened to the account I couldn’t help it but to be moved to tears. As I went forward to venerate the cross I remembered that it was thanks to a cross that we were set free. Too many it seems madness but to God it is a blessing. Jesus accomplished his mission through suffering and sacrifice and that is how many times we also accomplish our own mission on earth.

Last night, as I scanned online for news on the hostage situation off Somalia I found out that the USS Boxer is on its way to help in the situation, that is the ship my son is in. I received his last message earlier yesterday. So we came together as a family to pray the Rosary for his safety and the safety of all involved so that it is resolved in a peaceful manner. The anguish makes me restless but at the same time there is a peace and consolation in my heart. I remembered the medals I gave to him before he left to California, blessed by our parish priest to protect him, which he has on the chain that holds his dog tags. I also remember how every Sunday our brothers and sisters at church assure us of his prayers for him. We are all together in this mission, whatever that might be for any of us in our different walks in life. This is our earthly mission as members of the militant church.

My life long learning of my faith comes to life one more time, now I pull out the “weapons” provided to us in order to help and intercede in this situation and I trust that joining forces with many others our actions and prayers will bear fruit. If you believe this I would humbly ask you to join me as well.

Tomorrow we will celebrating Jesus triumph over death on a cross and with it the certainty that we took can raise with him. We took can triumph over our present situations, our hardships, challenges, and trials. We are on a mission for ourselves and one another.

Wishing you and your families a blessed and happy Easter.

Dark Nights

15 07 2008

“Your dark night teaches you the truth of the moon. Life is not intended to be only solar, and indeed the cool, blue shadows of the moon have a special beauty. You can live in that beautiful glow, that light shaded by painful experiences and doubts and lack of understanding. Life is often more buoyant there than it is in solar brilliance.”
– from Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore

It is in the dark, on those moments when nothing seems to make sense or that numb our senses, where we finally dig deep in order to bring forth our essence. Everything that lives deep beneath our mind, beneath the walls we plaster over our soul in order to protect the tender areas of our being. We are never safe from the perils life send our way all we can do is face them, if we shy away from them we end up living a meaningless existence. It is in trials and challenges that we begin to live in the manner we are called to live and to stand for our dreams and values. It is the moment when our true colors shine through.

We stand before the mirror and many times don’t recognize the face we see, it is the reality that time and circumstances have changed us not only inside but outside as well. Perhaps we have lost that optimism and good sense of humor in the day to day dealing with circumstances we have been forced to live. Resistance can make up a lot of intolerable moments in our life that we prefer not to live but there is only one way to handle that situation; facing it. It makes take us days, weeks or years but it is ultimately the only way to cross to the other side.

Tell me about your Dark Night experience.

Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life

A Sure Way to Grow

31 03 2008

“Our trials, our sorrows, and our grieves develop us.” –Orison Sweet Marden

I remember a time when I wanted to be older, I envisioned it to be my ticket to freedom in order to do what I wanted to do, finally! How ironic, as time went by I realized that freedom is not to be able to do what I want to do but what I ought to do. Sometimes we ignore what we need to do in order to fulfill our earthly mission but we are soon reminded in the most uncomfortable ways; trials, sorrows, grief, sickness, etc. Unless we are shaken we would never stop to look deep within in order to find answers to our challenges. Most of us like to enjoy life without having to deal with pain and sorrow but it is in that pain and sorrow that our true self is revealed maybe for the first time even to us. In most cases is not a pretty picture, it is our being torned by past experiences, wounded, weak, sensitive to the most minimal criticism from those around us. It is not who we want to be or who we are at the moment but somehow others can’t forget our past.

As we enter dark moments in our life we are forced to be guided by others things other than our regular vision. Our emotions, our instincts, our faith and our soul needs to come into play in order to find a way out of our immediate misery. Accustomed to live on the flesh disregarding the soul will make this experience difficult. Trying to get away from the dark quick will also produce painful sensations since our whole being is calling us to experience and change at a certain level before we step away from it transformed. Like I mentioned before changes are not easy to make specially when we are uncertained of the outcome, that’s where faith comes in. Trusting that our trial has a reason for being and a purpose for our life and well being.

Truth has a way to make itself known. Inner peace is only achieved through a balance within, it is the satisfaction to know that our intention and our purpose is fully aligned to our individual persona. We can’t live our life under someone’s goals, values and intentions. Personal growth is an individual process calling us to put everything and everyone aside in order to be true to our self and our destiny. Failing to become individuals we slowly extinguished the very light we are called to let shine for the world to see. If we cover it, nobody will know it existed. One of the most painful experiences is to know that we are unknown to those around us, they are quick to see our faults and not our virtues. Another painful experience is to have hidden our individuality so well from those around us -in order not to disturb their life- than when it finally emerges it is rejected and their love and support is withdrawn from us.

I wonder what life would be if we decide to stay forever in our dark night just to keep the peace of those around us while the war continues inside of us. I don’t believe is possible to deny what it clamors for; transformation. To negate to go beyond what we know for sure is only denying the great possibilities God has in store for us.