Mix emotions in growth

3 11 2014

I am dying… I soon will be reborn. Is never easy to step away from the known, into the unknown. Even when the known part you know was not worth it. During the process of a divorce that grips your life for years because the other for whatever reason won’t let go of the other’s life is a very exhausting process. One might think if it is even worth even think about it again but then again comes the heart and the emotions and our human need to be loved, treasured and cherished. Does that really exists? I know that exists with God because he is the only one with me during this process, no earthly man compares to that love. I pray for that kind of love at an earthly level but it hasn’t arrived. I wonder and hope… I cry and I laugh, I run and I lay down, it is all in God’s precious time.

I feel dying at times of solitude, at times when I need a strong embrace, times when all I need is to feel safe and protected and that all my tears are wiped away. Does goodness goes unrewarded while abuse and humiliation gets its reward? How much can a human being can take? I guess I must see myself on the cross to get the answer. I wish it not to be so, and that somewhere in this world my answer might be glancing at my words. I can only hope and move on not focusing on the emotions and continue to grow because if I don’t, I die and evil will win. It doesn’t have to be so.





Endless Tears

26 10 2014

I guess now I know the reason to avoid at all costs the reality of solitude. It strips me bare, leaves me without defense against what tore the heart and soul. It touches emotions I might as well live without when they provoke tears, pain and sorrow. I breathe in and out trying to contain the emotions, to keep controlled and with a clear mind. It is not good to hold on to emotions for too long, is not good to be alone for a long time either.

Stretch my arms to the heavens, looking out for that star that will guide me in the dark. Wrap myself under the covers to feel the warmth of a body who wants to turn cold. I want to see the light, I want to let myself go into the infinity or a realm of things and a place unknown but was promised to us. A valley full of flowers where only light, peace and happiness exists. A place where there is no more tears, where joy reigns.

I saw a lighthouse at a distance so long ago, it was a promise to always be there, just on the breakers to help me find my way, to help me be safe. I am either right on the open sea, far, far away from shore. I don’t see a dim light but strong waves coming at me and I’m growing weary. If only I knew that in a short time I will see that light…I guess these are the warrior tears in between battles, trying to stay alive knowing well the enemy is relentless and the battle seems endless. With it the emotions come and go as I need to control them in order to survive. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, a week, a month, a year, and years. Time to wash away the tears to clear my vision and keep on, there is no other way to remain alive.





Waves of Emotions

8 07 2008

It’s not easy to take time to reflect upon those things that are changing our life, the incertitude that lies beyond the ideas we had about our life. The people we love and that no longer are or no longer love us and the pain it causes. It is hard to come face to face to what lies within our heart to embrace what we can’t change and the feelings we must put aside for a while when we want to deal with the situation at hand. It is a matter of moving on the deep waters of our despair in order not to sink in sorrow. Emotions run through our mind and body affecting everything we do and what we will become. Seeing how our hopes and dreams quickly drown deep below the surface, buried under our survival’s pressure. It goes beyond our strength many times but a much needed exercise in patience and humility.

I move around the house, I read a book, I pray, I meditate and nothing helps me. I walk out to the beach and once on the shore I take off my sandals, sink my feet in the sand and sit right under a palm tree. The waves crash against the shore, the rocks are bathed with each one of them, sometimes barely making it over the top and others overflowing all the way to the other side. Just like my emotions at this moment, they come in waves at unpredictable times and speed and sometimes I feel they are too much for me to handle, overflowing out of my heart and erupting through my eyes, releasing some of the pain lodged deep inside.

Many words come to mind, words I wish I could speak to claim some dignity out of the situation but when the moment comes I remain silent. I don’t want to lose, I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to cry and yet, I experience it all.

Is it possible to not be completely destroyed by emotion? Could we put aside the wounds and forget about the pain? Can we truly try one more time after being disappointed so many times? It takes courage, courage to be open to worthwhile feelings and experiences in life in order not to die inside. To die while being alive is one of the worst punishments we can choose for ourselves. Buried deep beneath the surface of our soul, crushed and silenced prisoner of sorrow. Is it a life sentence, reigning in the land of perpetual sadness? It is a quenching of all heart’s hope, the one who once was full of love, and that now has been forgotten. I speak about what human nature many times experience throughout life, changing and transforming the pure and sublime creature who believed that anything was possible when in reality few things are. I guess the key is not to look so much at what isn’t possible but to look at what is possible instead, and to fight for it to the end.





Powerful Emotions

29 03 2008

How many times in your life how you felt powerless over an emotion? Emotions stir us in many different directions, there are positive as well as negative emotions. The ones I want to explore here are the ones that keep us from moving forward, the ones that paralizes and make us hurt inside.

Fear is the most common emotion, creates a disturbance in the balance of our life, it causes pain and sometimes powerlesness. When we are faced with the unknown the most logical reaction is fear, stepping out in faith trusting our instincts is not easy to do. Sometimes our actions are linked to people around us and the fact that there is a possibility that we might make the wrong decision paralizes us. At times we will have someone waiting for us to make a decision on what our next step will be putting even more pressure on us. I personally don’t like to make sudden decisions because I know by experience that they are not the best ones to make since by not having enough time to think things through a wrong decision is very easy to make. Then I will have to live with the consequences for many years to come. I guess the best thing to do is look at the present circumstance under a truthful light with the help of a friend or therapist and see if there is a possibility to make it better. But it all ultimately depends on the willingness of our heart to get involved in the process which can be lengthy and painful.

There is no easy way to embark into the unknown and yet we sometimes are forced to do it. It is like wanting to learn to swim, we are scared to death to sink but if we don’t let go of the ledge and start our struggle we will never learn how to do it. After much trial and error and only when we relax as we go into the water is when we manage to stay afloat and then we can begin to enjoy the freedom to go into much deeper waters without the fear of drowning in the process. I guess it is the same in life, the more we fight a situation to be different the worst it is to keep it under our control. If you get too tense while in the water you’ll sink like a rock to the bottom. In order to enjoy the waves you first need to dive in and one by one face the waves that come your way until you find the one with the right rythm to carry you for a short while. Nothing is perfect and learning to wait for the right time is crucial for many of our life’s decisions.

Fear springs from the notion that what we want or need to do at any given moment might not be understood or accepted by those who are important in our life. At the same time it might be something that its crucial for our mental and emotional well being. Ignoring the fact that some things need to change in our life will not make our life better, only easier for those around us because we won’t inconvenience their comfort. In time that comfort will not exist because we are part of the equation and when we are not satisfied with our life neither will they.

So how do we get rid of fears? By facing them at the right moment. By trusting that our innate instincts are calling us to move on to a different level and to hope that we ultimately cross over to the unknown dressed with power and self respect for who we are as individuals fulfilling our personal calling in life.