Welcome 2011

5 01 2011

I have been waiting for you so long… The expectations are high but I have claimed you as the best year ever! I am sure you won’t disappoint me and we have so much to do. I am looking at you with a twinkle in my eye, with the love and expectation a lover feels. Just like love, you are never sure what will come next. So far and unexpected event have thrown me where I refused to go; I lost my beloved Maxi over Memorial Weekend, my Miniature Pincher of 11 years, it was unexpected and fast. The hurt and emotions ran deep as I made the decision to end her pain. For the first time in my life I didn’t want any other dog in my life, at least not for a while. Everything had changed so much in the last 2 years that I was kind of shedding everything than in one way or another was holding me back. Life did a lot of elimination on its own and others I did myself.

When my son Josh came to visit over this Christmas season he kept asking me to go get another dog, I refused. I would not dare go there again, just the memory of Maxi hurt. I am busier than ever, working and building a retail business on the side and I am content with that. I miss the time I used to dedicate to reading and writing but it is all part of not wanting to touch the chords of my heart for a while. I am wounded and I am not sure how to heal.

On New Year’s Eve we got together with my family and had a great time. When we were ready to go I was reminded of my loss again, my cousin handed me a Christmas card with a picture of her family, including her dog. I told her about my loss and there it was, the pain again. I had not idea that minutes later I would be faced with a scared, injured dog at the gas station we stopped on the way home. The kids jumped out of the car, I started to tremble. I saw him from afar but I would not dare get out. My jaws clenched, my heart was going faster. They all went crazy with the dog, the asked the attendant about it, they grabbed it, they asked me to take it, I would continue to say no. They insisted, how could I leave him? Before I knew it my daughter put him in her car and we drove off.

I don’t even remember the million thoughts that went through my mind as we drove one more hour before we reach our home. As soon as we arrived I left with him to the clinic, my son accompanied me. I had to decide to leave him there or take it home. It was very likely that he would be transferred to his county and wait for his owner to claim him but since he was injured if nobody did he would be put to sleep. I could not walk away. As I stood there thinking what to do and a rush of emotions came over me, it was the same clinic I took Maxi into, the same room where they gave me the bad news of her massive infection and I ran off home with her, just to bring her back hours later and having to say good-bye to her. I burst into tears, Josh embraced me, it had been couple of months since my last cry over her. I decided to give this dog a name and take him home.

Today is 4 days later and we have not been able to fix his leg, he needs surgery and I am at the bottom of what I could spend. There is no financial assistance anywhere for this, it’s outrageous. We should have more vets and surgeons dedicating some of their time on this kind of charity. I am running a fund-raising event on Facebook with my family and friends, some have come forward but we are so far off the amount I need for the surgery that all we will be able to do is to redo the splint and try to align the broken bones and hope they heal good enough. It will be less costly but I really don’t have anymore money than those donations. If you would like to contribute to the fund for Troy you can go here. Anything at all you can give will be greatly appreciated. I don’t know what else to do and pray that somehow all the expenses are paid because if God put him on my path, it was for a reason. He is such a loving dog and he is so happy that you would never think he is badly hurt. He is healthy otherwise and deserves to have a good happy life. So here it is, meet Troy!





Dream Reflection

22 11 2010

I hardly ever dream anymore, what seemed to be an overactive imagination has become dormant. Somehow last night I had a vivid a dream, a dream of the going back to where we moved from, another time, another life. So much has changed, eleven years has gone by and nothing is the same. It seems to me that when relationships should had become easier, they became the hardest, and everyone is just drifting apart.

We are in a place where we dreamed to be and yet, in the dream I cried that we should have never moved to this place. Everywhere I look now it reminds of the place where my whole life went upside down. The beach used to be a place I looked forward to be at -and I still do- and yet I haven’t gone in a month or so. Perhaps I need to do that. Something deep inside is calling me to go within. I don’t think I will move to another place though, it took too much hard work to make it here, but I have to make peace with all the emotions I experience now.

I am trying to find guidance from my grandma, she went through the same I did and handled it completely different. I wonder what she would tell me if she would still be here. I believe that if it is God’s will, she will somehow let me know how to move forward with my life. All I want is to feel happiness again and I have to stop trying to look for it in others, it must come from within. My self-talk needs to change, my memories somehow must fade away.

In time I know everything will change, my world will be peaceful and my joy will return. Love will be something I will feel again and when I least expected it that message I am waiting for will make its way to me. I just need to be patient. Time is flying by, and I don’t want to feel like I am wasting the little time I might have here on earth. At any given moment I can be called to go home.





A Long Time Coming

14 11 2010

I can’t believe has long its been, or how much longer life will take to get things right. There is a flow that is building up inside to the point of bursting. I can’t continue to contain all within and expect to move along in life they way I should. I feel like I need to go to the edge and jump into the water, to submerge myself in whatever it is and swim my way out, I know how.





No Bull

29 10 2010

I was watching the Jane Fonda interview with Oprah this week and could identify with her, I guess every woman can. Stages in life are inevitable, I’m on my Second Act, like she called it. The hardest one, but I want to get to where she is now at 72. I wonder if you can get to that mentality sooner than that though. It is the age when you don’t take no bull from anything or anyone anymore. You are strong on your two feet knowing who you are and what you need. You make excuses for nobody and move forward.

I need to get her book, I have the feeling it will light up my mind and help me through. Thank God I taped that show, that one is a keeper.





Pretty Incredible

8 10 2010

I have to admit it, even if I don’t want to, but life is pretty incredible. Full of unexpected moments, amazing people and unforgettable moments. In a split of a second you can be living your now, your past or dream of your future. There are so many things that affect the way I think and feel and yet at the end I hold the bargaining chip. One thing I really don’t like is when I have no saying in whatever situation, when someone else steps in and kind of scattered whatever is going on at the moment and changes everything. I’m left with a sense of loss and frustration because of all of the sudden the moment is out of my hands, into eternity. Who knows what would have happened next, and all I can do is wait and see.

I was in the situation long time ago and my expectations were never achieved because someone came in between and altered the moment. I reproached that person a few times but I was told that if it was really meant to be it would have come around one more time. Maybe it was the truth, maybe it wasn’t. Some things in life only comes once. Now that I think about it I began to understand that it was at that moment that my romantic relationship formation began to be formed, very traumatically.

Life is a journey while love is the path, our understanding of love affects the way I travel along that journey I am supposed to move towards my ultimate goal. It is not the same when the path is unblocked and smooth than when is full of obstacles and challenges. One learn not to do and protect themselves along the way according to past experiences. The more negative the experiences, the person turns more enclosed. The more positive, the more open and relaxed.

I’ve been reminded of how liberating it could be to speak freely of what I feel, without given it a second thought, however we are conditioned to do exactly the opposite along our life. Our real self is not as well accepted by many and before we know it, we are hiding behind a well guarded mask because that is what the world is able to handle and see. Nobody wants to look at the reality of other individuals, it feels uncomfortable sometimes. Individuality is okay until you come into others “space” or want to share a life with them.

All in all I have to say how incredible it is to tap into certain areas of our life and be able to dig out new information, emotions, feelings. It is like renewing the soul, like giving it something it missed before and longed for and yet that did not need in order to survive. In time everything and everyone finds a way to go on, for better or worse. Sometimes even to repeat the same mistakes from past but others carefully guarding themselves not to.

What is your experience?





Controlled Flight

23 06 2010


Photography by Clary Lopez 2010

Well, I dreamt it again. Every so often I dream of flying and I will never forget my mom’s interpretation of that dream, Freedom. I am longing for freedom. Every time something or someone hold me back in any way in the direction I am going or wanting to go I get very emotional. It is hard enough to reveal the true essence of your being, your feelings, your dreams and wants to have to deal with something or someone who would shut it down to the grown. “Get real”, what is real, what is to take it slow in the midst of wanting something so bad you can taste it?

I have lived under control for so long but it hasn’t been without resistance. It is a constant battle to do what is right in the face of this world in which order is treasured. In the process we learn to place masks over our faces, our dreams, our desires… Is it alright to do that when the spirit dies slowly as the time goes by? I don’t have the answer, all I know is that at some point everything changes and one has to make the decision to go on the same way or to make some changes that would feel a little bit liberating to the soul.

I question sometimes how are we really to live this life on earth. Is it right to not be part of it for however long we have here and wait for the next? Is it so bad to live your life with sincerity? I am not talking about going crazy here, just be who you truly are without having to think too much the rest of the people around you. It is about expressing your feeling with liberty without being judged and showing others our true colors without shame. I guess rejection is what keep us chained in such a way that we can go in the way that everyone does, without causing any waves. Don’t rock the boat, some people say. Sometimes I feel like it, what the heck! Learn to sail, learn to swim, grab a lifesaver but whatever you do LIVE!

What is going inside me is amazing, at times even I get surprised by the feelings that all the sudden emerge. Like a balloon you try to keep under water, pressure over it for a while but if you let go a little it will pop to the surface with force. What’s better, to let it be where it belongs or to keep pressuring into something that doesn’t feels right for its nature? I guess we have to know ourselves pretty well to come to that decision.





Being Present

28 05 2010

Reading one of Paulo Coelho’s quote this morning I realized that it was during moments when I made big mistakes that I felt more present in this world.

“Jamás dejes que las dudas paralicen tus acciones. Toma siempre todas las decisiones que necesites tomar, incluso sin tener la seguridad o certeza de que estás decidiendo correctamente.”

“Never let doubt paralyze your actions. Always make the decisions you need to make, even when you are not sure or don’t know for certain that you are deciding correctly.”

I don’t know if it was the reality that I was human, that hitting a wall woke me up and let me feel deeply, even if that feeling was pain. Life is a mystery and making a decision that turns bad sometimes gets through us like a sharp knife cut and make us bleed. Now, I don’t want to sound like I enjoy these moments and that those are the only moments I feel present in this world, there are many other good experiences that makes me feel the same: to see the sunrise in the horizon while a cool breeze caress my skin, the singing bird on the tree, the sounds of the waves in the shore… What I am talking about here is about making a decision, whatever that is, in order to move on. Sometimes is a bad decision but we don’t know it, then afterward we need to be ready for whatever comes our way and try to make the best of it. There are nuggets of goodness that we can pull from every experience and there are joys and discoveries that challenges and trials offered. Nothing is wasted.

One thing I would like to do the most is to think about me, just me. I wish I could go to that place where my heart is, where my soul yearns to fly to and remain there in calm. At the time many things entangle me to break loose, but the time is coming to fly, high in the sky and breathe the cool air. To enjoy a magnificent view, to share dreams, to share words… Emotion, way to feel present in this world.

It has been a while but I need to drift, to disconnect from the physical realm and go within. In the quietness of my being I find refuge, inspiration, hope and dreams. It is the infinite within… I will do that today, I invite you to do the same. There is a better place, it is at our grasp. I will see you in the other side…