Lost in Search

30 05 2009

I search and search within for something that does not exist for something that is expected of me but not likely to come out. My mind goes around and around memories, words, gestures, signs I should have seen but that passed by me like a ghost leaving a trail of pain and coldness deep in my heart. The intensity of the feelings at times leaves me numb and paralyzed, frozen in time and space wanting to stop the cosmos and put a big pause to all the sorrow. What is missing from me I don’t expect from anyone either, it is only fair; I can’t give what I don’t have, and can’t have what I am not willing to give.

It worries me that it will be exactly how I will be treated by God if I don’t but unless he comes and fills me with what I need I don’t see it happening in my lifetime. I sound like a rebel when I am being honest, I just don’t want to hurt no more. If there is a moment in time I need him is now, this is the time for a revelation for something so powerful that all the smoke from Hell leaves me.

I need for him to carry me whenever I can’t walk no more, I need him. I know all of this has a reason and the attacks are because I am in charge of something great, so all my fronts are on fire burning down to the ground. I see everything being consumed and I debate if I should put out the fires or quickly look for some form of retaliation in my defense.




One response

1 06 2009
Dan Garcia

Sometimes god is right there speaking to us but we’re too stuborn to listen. A friend of my just lost his dad and he said to me, “I think God is speaking to me.” I looked at him for a brief moment and said, “He’s been speaking to you for a long time, you just weren’t listening.”

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