And then I breathe…

30 05 2009


It gets harder to breathe each day, even though I try, all kinds of thoughts inundate my mind then my heart is quenched and my stomach turned. I wish I could quiet my mind, to stop analyzing the past, to question myself, to look for reasons even though nothing will justify the outcome. It is ultimately decisions we as humans make and then face the consequences. I always try to do some damage control even though I would prefer to run away, but this is the hardest one for me to stand still. I remember the days when if something like this happened I would just cut the strings without a second thought, I am still that person inside, but my life now is tangled up with other ideals and deep inside I know a sudden action is not what is called for here.

I see everything crumbling before me and the constant attacks are making me weary, I need to breathe. The battle is on and as unwilling participant I fight my urge to flee. To abandon the battle ground could mean only two things; I could get killed or be set free. We can’t fight battles for someone else, each one of us are called to face our demons. It is not easy to see the slaughter and then have to pick up the pieces.

And then I breathe the disillusion, the quenching sorrow that crushes my bones, the disappointment of losing what was so meaningful to me and then contemplate an uncertain future. I am frightened. I can’t breathe, O God, I can’t breathe.



5 responses

30 05 2009

“A time will come when everyone will know what all this is for, why there is this misery; there will be no mysteries and, meanwhile, we have got to live . . . and it seems as though in a little while we shall know what we are living for, why we are suffering. . . . If we only knew — if we only knew!”

– from The Three Sisters by Anton Chekhov

1 06 2009
Dan Garcia

There is no honor to fall in flight. The strong ones will always stand and fight. Even if consumed by fear I’d rather fall in battle fighting than be destroyed as i try to run away. It’s the only way to end all suffering.

3 06 2009
Deborah Tuttle

OMG Clary I thought this was me reading my own words… I can’t breath either, My God why does this happen to us? Will it ever stop or will it stop by the time I am to old to do anything about it? When my looks and whats left of my body is gone and I am looking at gray hair and wrinkles and sagging skin. I need and want so bad to feel better NOW, to free my mind of my insecurities and stop my obsessive thinking over things that have happen that i can’t change and can’t deal with completely. I’m running and I’m scared… and right there with you honey. xo

3 06 2009

I guess is true, in time I will know why all this happened. Fear either paralyze or propel us I guess, I prefer the latter even though lately it has not been the case.
Deb, I know what you mean. Be strong girl, the mind can easily destroy and that is what we need to fight in order to move forward. Today I was told to forget about trying to control the past and to deal with the here and now. I guess is not controlling what we try to do but to wish it never happened, but it did. Now what? Everything has changed forever and we need to decide if we like what we are left with.

11 11 2009

How have you been doing? thinking of you honey.
Hope your finding happiness

Deb xo

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