If I Am No Longer Here

12 01 2009


How many times in life do we feel like running away or escaping and undeniable reality? How many times we feel hurt and disappointed on ourselves, on others? How many times have we felt useless, unappreciated or just plain ignored?

I guess we all have moments like that in our life. It has been a long time since I felt this way. The last time I felt it, I wanted to runaway but the thoughts of my parents’ anguish stopped me. I always wondered what would have happen if I did.

Yesterday was a difficult day, as a matter of fact it has been building up for over a month and what makes things worst is the fact that I don’t take action. I feel pressured to do what I don’t want. I was told that this building up of emotions and my constant effort to suppress it is what makes it worst and perhaps it is true. The fact of the matter is that yesterday all burst to the surface and I exploded like never before. I needed to be heard once for all, what is the reason for me to be here? Is it worth all my sacrifice or dedication or would I continue to live my life in this void where I long to be appreciated in more ways than the physical? Sometimes I feel like shedding this body that covers everything I am. Would someone take a good look inside?

There is so much pretending in this house that it is becoming unhealthy. Everyone seems to have their own agenda and a long list of do and don’ts. A family should be a unit that is directed towards a common goal and based on love, unconditional love. We should all be happy when someone else is happy and not try to hold the other back just because you don’t happen to share the same interest and can’t participate in it. We all have various needs but I don’t believe there is a place for demands in love. You get what you inspire in others to give, nothing more. Perhaps this was the reason why I felt so bad yesterday. I haven’t been getting anything good lately, the way I see it and have been told is that I am the cause for all of this. It is so easy to point the finger and don’t look at the plank in their eye. Everyone needs to take responsibility here. That is why my thoughts of just disappearing were so appealing; one because I felt I was no longer needed and two because maybe by me not been here it might make someone realize who I am, what I do and if it is of any value to anyone.

Perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do but it is done and after looking at the reactions I decided to reflect and stay put for now. I don’t want anyone to have false expectations of me, what is, is. I can’t be forced to be someone I am not. Hopefully after this everyone will stop and think twice before they talk and take their time to appreciate one another just the way we are.



6 responses

13 01 2009

Very nice post Clary. I had a similar talk with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. He was always commenting negatively on most everyone and everything. And seeing how we’re both Christians, I finally had to have a “talk” with him. Yes, some people can be way to quick to form opinions. We’ve all done it at some point in our lives. But the humble one’s realize the error or their ways and get back on track. I know it’s not easy, especially with family. Both of my parents have passed on and I’m still a fairly young guy. So cherish what you have Clary. It may be rough at times, but keep your heart humble and let the Lord guide your way. He knows you’ve done nothing wrong. Keep up the good fight and don’t lose your lovely smile. =)

13 01 2009

P.S. It seems to me like you don’t feel appreciated for all the work and kindness you show to your family members. You are not alone, it’s an epidemic and a sad sign of the times. They may take you for granted, but please keep in mind that some of it might be because you’ve always been the strong one. They may not mean it as a compliment, but I think you should take it as one. Think positive Clary. Life is full of hills and valleys. This too will pass. There’s a beautiful valley waiting for you! X X

13 01 2009

Sometimes we all need a break away from everything that is part of our daily lives; a time to not be staring at reminders of what is our present reality; a time to not hear opinions of those around us who have a vested interest in our decisions.

Sometimes we just need a short vacation alone, a “sabbatical” if you will, to reflect objectively on where we have been, where we are at, and where we need to go in our lives.

13 01 2009

Thanks Phil, I guess the attitude I need to adopt is the one of not expecting anything at all.

“For to go from the all to the all
You must possess it without wanting anything.
In this nakedness the spirit finds its rest,
for when it covets nothing
nothing raise it up and nothing weighs it down,
because it stands in the centre of its humility.”- St. John of the Cross

20 01 2009

When our children were growing up, (we have 4 ranging now from twenty to twenty-eight) periodically I would call a house meeting where I as the dad would moderate to address festering issues….might be something as simple as conflict over the use of the TV, one of the girls borrowing clothes without asking, what ever seemed to be an unresolved issue.

Funny now how as the kids are older I see them all needing to address issues in their relationships with boy friends, spouses, etc.. instead of just sweeping them under the rug…if you don’t, (and we didn’t do it perfectly) then the same thing that you had happen in your home would happen here..someone would finally blow.

If you’re interested, I did post briefly about it here:

Good luck. Parenting is not for wimps that’s for sure

21 01 2009
Manuel Mendoza

Hi,My dear frnd its been some time for me to b back,here!!
Its true there are so many ppl,Wishing others to b,what they wish they could b,
without dirtying there hands or there Pride.
More so whaen we know where we are at the moment in time,Here in the Global Economic DownFall!!! Where there is a lot of Lost,or misguided PPl,an Blaming others for there lack off. We placed ourselves here,in this mess. All of Us,each an every single one of us,in this world. We have forgotten to raise our voice ,
an have let our governments do what ever they want to do to us,No matter what.
And bcause of that PPL,are bhaving like Nuts,No respect towards those that put there all into there Passions. We all feel like there is No Hope what so ever.
We blam others,And for those that are really making a difference in this World are being treated like ( Why Can’t You Not Do More) The Respect is out the Door.
We feel like an Island,Along!! Like no one cares bout us at all. For others it
Bcomes depression,,,But I Know we are Fighters,WE Don’t Back Down to NO -ONE At All,,,other wise Why are WE Here Doing What Makes US B So Passionate
to our Cause to Live. We must show others ” I Am No Longer Here”,,,IS Not
Who WE Are,but a purpose to Live,Learn an Do Our Best,whether They like it or Not,So B it!!!! So Yes I look at It Different then others Do!!
Mi Querida Amiga del Alma,,Clary !!!!!!
To Our Passion that Makes US All ALIVE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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