The Delicate Matter of Trust

7 01 2009

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.”
Walter Anderson

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Walter Anderson is absolutely right, trust is a delicate matter and one that holds all the possibilities or impossibilities when we think about the many facets of our life. Trust is the base to good relationships, business deals and future endeavors. It takes a leap of faith to open our heart to another human being.
Trust is something that is intricately related to our experiences; if we had good experiences when we trust people we tend to be trusting, if we have been betrayed it doesn’t come as easy.

I remember the first time I was betrayed, it was by my best friend. She started dating this guy who did not like me and as the relationship progressed he asked her to give up our friendship or him. She chose him. That experienced left me forever wounded. She was later dumped by the guy and came back to me, I forgave her but I never had the same relationship with her again. Up to this day it takes time for me to trust someone with my friendship even though I am learning not to expect the worst anymore. Now, unlike many years ago when it took me years to open myself to someone else, I offer my friendship to a few selected people and let it evolve. I am happy to say that I have a few loyal and sincere friendships and they help me and encourage me in more ways than one in whatever I want to accomplish in my life.

My trust has been betrayed in many different ways and by different people, and with each experience something very delicate inside me changes and that cast a whole new dimension to my present and future relationships. I am not sure if that is the right thing to do or if I should move on from those relationships and hold on to my integrity. I have to try very hard not to carry my issues of doubts and mistrust onto others who have nothing to do with it, but I guess it is an auto-defense mechanism. I also realize that at times I also have caused someone else not to trust me, so this topic goes both ways I guess. I believe that the best way to avoid this situation is to remain true to myself and present that to others, not trying to be what someone else wants me to be. The moment I try to please others in my life is the moment I start letting go of my innate being, there is no way I can live all my life like that and be happy.

There is no easy way to deal with these problems with trust and betrayal and like anything that I experienced I know I can learn something valuable from each challenge. I guess each person views it in a different light and act differently on the same situation but because they deal differently doesn’t mean I have do deal with it in the same way. I am entitled to deal with my situations with my own criteria and remain faithful to myself most of all, if I am going to betray myself in the process then there is really no hope for me or my future. I have heard so many times that we show others how to treat us, that I can’t ignore the fact.

God knows what he permits these experiences in my life, many of them teaches me valuable lessons and helps me develop virtues and that is all I am willing to take from them.


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2 responses

8 01 2009
blaiseryan

Hi Clary,

I like what Darrell Calkins said on trust: That it is dependent upon how responsible we are with the freedoms given to us… and as a result our freedom grows as does the trust given to us based on how responsible we are in our relationships and responsibilities. Or something like that…

However recently I began to look at trust as being a made up concept. If you think about it. When your trust is broken, the thing you call trust isn’t really broken, because trust is just a word that we use to define the level of freedom in giving and receiving in a relationship. What is we call ‘broken trust’ is really the pain/hurt of disconnection with someone.

Sadly, the whole concept of trust gets messy when we begin to associate broken trust with with unfulfilled expectations of others… and many times I’d say it’s true that our expectations weren’t even clearly communicated. This seems to be particularly relevant in intimate relationships.

Just consider it… What if trust is not real? Just think about it for a bit. What if the whole concept we have about trust, and all the power and energy we’ve put into the idea is just made up.

This definitely has deep implications for the concept of betrayal too…

For if as quantum physics and metaphysics suggest is true, that we’re all one. And that everything is energy – then where does trust and betrayal fit in? These concepts ONLY fit into the separate and divided worldview, not the unified, inclusive and whole worldview.

So where does that leave the question: “Do you trust me?” Well it’s simple: It means “Do you feel inspired to engage with me in whatever game we’re considering or not? ”

Warmly,

Blaise

9 01 2009
clary

Hi Blaise,
Welcome to my blog. Thank you so much for your comment. It is interesting you mentioned about unfulfilled expectations we might have from others as a reason for a broken trust, I also believe it has to do with our egos being hurt in some way in the process.

I would love to know if anyone else has an opinion on this.

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