Waves of Emotions

8 07 2008

It’s not easy to take time to reflect upon those things that are changing our life, the incertitude that lies beyond the ideas we had about our life. The people we love and that no longer are or no longer love us and the pain it causes. It is hard to come face to face to what lies within our heart to embrace what we can’t change and the feelings we must put aside for a while when we want to deal with the situation at hand. It is a matter of moving on the deep waters of our despair in order not to sink in sorrow. Emotions run through our mind and body affecting everything we do and what we will become. Seeing how our hopes and dreams quickly drown deep below the surface, buried under our survival’s pressure. It goes beyond our strength many times but a much needed exercise in patience and humility.

I move around the house, I read a book, I pray, I meditate and nothing helps me. I walk out to the beach and once on the shore I take off my sandals, sink my feet in the sand and sit right under a palm tree. The waves crash against the shore, the rocks are bathed with each one of them, sometimes barely making it over the top and others overflowing all the way to the other side. Just like my emotions at this moment, they come in waves at unpredictable times and speed and sometimes I feel they are too much for me to handle, overflowing out of my heart and erupting through my eyes, releasing some of the pain lodged deep inside.

Many words come to mind, words I wish I could speak to claim some dignity out of the situation but when the moment comes I remain silent. I don’t want to lose, I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to cry and yet, I experience it all.

Is it possible to not be completely destroyed by emotion? Could we put aside the wounds and forget about the pain? Can we truly try one more time after being disappointed so many times? It takes courage, courage to be open to worthwhile feelings and experiences in life in order not to die inside. To die while being alive is one of the worst punishments we can choose for ourselves. Buried deep beneath the surface of our soul, crushed and silenced prisoner of sorrow. Is it a life sentence, reigning in the land of perpetual sadness? It is a quenching of all heart’s hope, the one who once was full of love, and that now has been forgotten. I speak about what human nature many times experience throughout life, changing and transforming the pure and sublime creature who believed that anything was possible when in reality few things are. I guess the key is not to look so much at what isn’t possible but to look at what is possible instead, and to fight for it to the end.