Note: I noticed this entry get’s a lot of readers, I would love to see your comments on it. Share your view, men or women it doesn’t matter.
I donated some books and clothing off at my local Good Will and as usual, I got off to check their used book store before I left. There are four sections that I prefer among the others; Self-Help, Classics, Reference and Religious. Yesterday I went to the Self-Help and one book got my attention, Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others.
Marriage proposals have changed in the last decade or so, I’ve heard of women proposing to men these days, I can’t imagine that. I always wondered what goes through a man’s mind when they propose or even consider to ask a woman to marry them. What are their expectations? what leads them to believe this is the right one for them?
On the same token, I would like to know what are the characteristics that keep men far away from some women and don’t even consider them as marriage material. I have a few friends who would love to be married but can’t find anyone to propose to them. Then I know others who have 1 or more kids, have couple of failed marriages and they still get guys to ask them to marry again.
So men, if you don’t mind sharing your inner thoughts on this subject I believe women would appreciate it. It doesn’t matter if you are married, single, a single dad or divorced, tell us what would inspire you to want to share the rest of your life with someone. Inquiring minds want to know.
Comments: (from another blog)
My soon to be ex proposed to me.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:28am (EST)
Txcha… Hopefully I don’t get in trouble here…but I think it has to do with personality and well, mainly looks to be honest. I think there alot of reasons I can name, but just to say a few. Men are so visual, generally speaking. I know I have a friend looking as well and has had several in her life that just don’t find her interesting. But I think her issue is that she is not very inviting. It’s harder for introverts then extroverts (spelling?) and its harder for personalities that are so use to being alone. Men do not know what you are thinking ladies and if you confident and open and know what you want without being a “B” and sharing that then you might get the person you want in your life. Just a thought.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 07:31am (CST)
DeVega Confidence, Sense of Humor, Intelligence, Sensuality, Class, & most importantly RESPECT!
I like real women, not a shallow Barbie’s, responsible women who work hard & play harder. Women who are tastefully witty and a goof to hang with, great laughs are essential if we spend time together.
No man should want a woman to complete him because we need to be happy with whom we are. She should enhance his life not complete it.
Don’t bore me intellectually, emotionally, or intimately. Intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman turns me on & dumb chicks turn me off. I’m very affectionate & like the same in a woman.
Also be a lady; it’s ok to be one of the guys but, not all the time. I prefer a woman who loves being a woman & looking like one, dressed up or dressed down for beer or wine.
Be spicy, enchanting, sexy, eclectic, sensual, cultured. If she’s got sexy eyes, a nice smile, a great butt, & is a great kisser she’ll have my attention all night.
Don’t be a thug chick, that’s a turn off.
Must know how to love & allow herself to be loved. She must be my best friend, & submit to a good healthy relationship as I will do the same.
You have to have passion in life & love. Our intimate life should be a passion filled, no holds barred, uninhibited, hang from the rafters love life. She need be able to throw caution to the wind & keep me guessing and, pushing the boundaries of our intimacy to new heights & limits. Sex should be fun, passionate, sensual, spontaneous, sometimes kink, & always safe. Be open minded and willing to explore.
Oh and I don’t care how good you look. If we don’t have any chemistry, it ain’t gonna work.
She’s got to make an effort to love my family and my child.
Leave any rowdiness at the door because I don’t tolerate a drama queen with a pre Madonna attitude.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:35am (EST)
Txcha… No wonder my husband loves me…lol
Friday February 23, 2007 – 07:45am (CST)
GG – … Thanks for sharing your point of view Chatter Box, as a woman I see a lot of flaws on the decisions other make when looking for a guy to marry. For one, they like to party too much and too hard. Don’t get me wrong, I love to party but I know that guys don’t like to be on the scene all the time if they have someone to love and care for them at home.
DeVega, that was a great detail order. I’m sure women will thank you for that. To sum it up: “Confidence, Sense of Humor, Intelligence, Sensuality, Class, & most importantly RESPECT!”
Confidence is like a magnet and that is perhaps what is holding my friends back to find that special someone. After years of trying and missing confidence is not there anymore.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:59am (EST)
DeVega Tell her to respect her self but not take herself too serious. That will project out to the world. Laughing at ourselves helps a lot. Be fun to be around, not the person everyone is afraid to hurt. She’ll be fine once she’s happy with who she is. She needs to accept that first.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 09:05am (EST)
GG – … “She’ll be fine once she’s happy with who she is. She needs to accept that first.”
That’s another good point. By not being happy with whom we are, we could easily try to be everything others want us to be instead and sooner or later the real us one has to come out. This comes right along the lines of being honest and not trying to get someone to be believe you are someone you are not.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 09:16am (EST)
Txcha… GREAT POINTS!
Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:20am (CST)
Miche… I’ve proposed to someone once… it was a mistake and it was a knee jerk reaction more than anything. He so wasn’t the one for me, and I knew it then too – but I hated losing, long story.
When Ryan proposed to me…well, I can’t even explain it. The first time h proposed I said no. I knew that I was too wrapped up in the past and too screwed up over some stuff that was going on. It had nothing to do with Ryan, but with me not being ready. But I told him to ask me again, when things settled down.
He waited… and he asked again, and this time, I jumped on it.
You can’t let a guy like him get away, let me tell you what.
I’ll point him over here and have him answer specifics about why he asked me though. He’s an amazing man… I love him very much.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:32am (CST)
Senti… DE LA VISTA NO NACE EL AMOR, SINO LA ATRACCIÓN, EL AMOR NACE DE LA CONVIVENCIA Y DE COMPARTIR LA VIDA, DURANTE EL NOVIAZGO SE DEBEN IR CONOCIENDO LOS DEFECTOS Y LAS CUALIDADES DE LA PAREJA Y ESO ES LO QUE HACE DECIDIR. PORQUE LA PAREJA IDEAL DEL MATRIMONIO NO ES AQUELLA QUE NUNCA VA A TENER PROBLEMAS, SINO LA QUE ES CAPAZ DE RESOLVER LOS PROBLEMAS JUNTOS. SI SE CAPTA QUE NO ES POSIBLE LLEGAR A ACUERDOS PARA SOBREPASAR LOS BACHES DE LA VIDA, MEJOR BUSCAR OTRA PAREJA… BUENO ESO DIGO YO.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 10:48am (CST)
Initi… It depends on the man, I have read so many women speak on men in a generalized manner. I see it as individualism. Meaning that men do somethings that are similiar in what women do.
For myself when I was married, my ex wife proposed to me while I when she saw my flight tickets and the date that I was leaving. I think the way we propose I mean as a man is dependant on what values and beliefs we have. My brother took a year before he proposed and I think he was smart with doing what he did as they have been married for 12 years now and they love each other very much.
It’s not within the proposal, it’s in the manner in which you catch the right time and that is only done by way of being spontaneous and knowing that the women you love is one that wishes for love for a lifetime and….it’s mutural.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:49am (PST)
winduck Looks are the determing first factor, its obvious even on this Yahoo 360, the good looking members are praised for being “so beautiful” “so gorgeous” so looks as a whole is typically the first. A beautiful woman is appreciated then… next is personality, which is another determing factor. There is the first impression to be nice, to be polite, to be a gentlemen, to be someone else who is projected to be likable (hence for some women who thought they actually knew and understood someone they liked/loved but later found “then they turned mean”) I try to personable yet maintaining that “just be yourself” thing. It is very complex, some men look only for sexy women and overlook their really bad personalities and habits. Others have these idealistic fantasies about “how ,what and who” a woman should be like, unconsciously thinking about their mothering abilities, have these generalized checklists and other little nuances. It gets even more complex as some guys woo a woman completely and once she’s “acheived” become bored and look for another. Some are attracted to women who reject them and they know this will happen.
Men in the most part, if the conditions, society, culture warranted it would enjoy several women, its almost anthropological as propagation goes; men are for quantity and women are for quality. As for me, looks catch my eye first then once I get to know her, it goes on from there. If we have a click or liking to each other, usually we overlook at lot of little annoying things we have about each other. I like her for who she is and I’m not in a relationship to change or civilize her and I hope she expects the same thing about me. I’m not looking for the “one” I guess for me, on both sides I would rather have trust and tolerance. Most woman I’ve been with (with a few and to some dismay) I’ve parted as good friends. There were a lot of marriage possiblities but I’d rather remain single.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 10:31am (MST)
winduck I agree with Michelle on one thing, “not being ready” I have a lot of personal interest going on, other activities that are more important to me. If a woman proposed to me, I would say “no”
Friday February 23, 2007 – 10:37am (MST)
[dele… Sorry Clary, this is definitely not a post I’d want to know anything about b/c I’m a woman who’s never wanted to and doesn’t want to marry!
It’ll be great for you to get feedback from the men though!
I can tell you why I’ve never been interested in marriage–it’s nothing I consider genuine. My time is very important to me, I’m very independent, and I’m only going to live once (and I don’t mean that in the selfish respect) and I’m not willing to give myself away to anyone who’s no idea of real commitment. Marriage is wishy-washy. My life deserve more from me. I have more important things I want to accomplish in my life and marriage is nothing I consider worthy.
You’d be interested in this though, I caught it on the news this morning when flicking through: Today Show on MSNBC (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633) had a couple of guests who were talking about love and “What is love?” I’m not sure if they had a book just coming out or not (or if they were doctors), I missed most of it but it should be on the website there somewhere (I couldn’t find it).
Friday February 23, 2007 – 11:28am (PST)
[dele… P.s. that reminds me…
Jen Schefft has a book just out “Better Single Than Sorry” and I’m about to start reading it soon, I’ll be posting a review on it.
I believe women are giving up on men… I hear it all the time about how sick and tired they are of the men, their husbands and boyfriends like taking care of kids. I don’t honestly know what we need them for, women work, clean, look after the kids, run committee’s/organizations, volunteer, etc, it goes on and on. Men are constantly complaining even just to help out, all they want to do is sit around. Women are just more outgoing and willing to be the best person they can be… and they do it all without complaining. Women want to grow and accomplish. Men would rather jerk around (or off)
Friday February 23, 2007 – 11:40am (PST)
~♥Bre… Well I will give you a woman’s perspective, since you described me above… and no… I would never ask a man to marry me… I believe a man should be the man… I like feeling like a woman… but, all the power to those that do ask men… to each its own…
I think it has to do with being the kind of girl that gets a long better with guys than girls… I am not back-stabbing, petty nor gossip often like most women… I don’t get highly emotional, although my Italian comes out with passion… just not tears… I also HATE playing games… if I want something I say so, if I don’t I say so… I think I can confidently say, most men in my life have known exactly who I am… I am straight forward, open and honest… Never needy… ever!
I have been married twice, engadged 5 times… and asked many many times too… this is just my hunch on it I guess… but, then again I am not the men? Yes, I believe looks matter, but that will only get you so far… I really don’t think most men would marry for looks alone…
I think a guys like a woman he can get along with, laughter & truly enjoying eachother is always so important… strength and sensitivity combined best defines me…
Yes, and I agree somewhat with your friend above too… but, that’s another topic I guess… However, I like sharing my life with someone… having history… knowing they are by my side through thick and thin… and if not… bye, bye~
Complicated question, since it’s all relative too… *giggles* Did that all make sense? Have a wonderful weekend sweetie~ xx
Friday February 23, 2007 – 01:43pm (PST)
[dele… P.s. I sent this guy (http://guygetsmarried.blogspot.com) your way here to read this particular blog–he wants to get married.
Friday February 23, 2007 – 03:19pm (PST)
GG – … The truth of the matter is that marriage is not an universal vocation. Most people are called to it but many are not. The main thing is to make the most out of it. But for those who feel they would like to, but for some reason haven’t been able to be married there is a question of why. There are necessary characteristics a person must have and most of all an overall aptitude and willingness to sacrifice to make it possible. That’s my humble opinion.
Saturday February 24, 2007 – 08:15am (EST)
gary g Pretty difficult to chronicle all the things that I look for when searching for a life long companion, even in general terms there a many things I find appealing as well as unappealing. I guess the list could go on forever. But to try and highlight a few preferences here’s my shopping list?
First, last and most important, chemistry, chemistry and chemistry. Whether I find a woman attractive, not so attractive, petite, voluptuous, tall, short, sophisticated, refined, intelligent or what other adjective you’d like to use it really comes down to chemistry and whether or not it matches. I’ve never really had a preference in ethnic background, age (within a reasonable range), wealth or religion. I find eyes; a genuine smile and a pleasant manor in speech will attract me quicker than the typical eye candy types that can only offer one dimension in a relationship. I guess this is what’s needed to attract my initial interest.
Once I’ve found someone who meets those criteria there has to be some common ground that will allow growth as friends, not that we would have to think with the same brain, but at least share enough interest in things that would allow for conversation and discovery of how the other ticks. Personally I call this the discovery stage, it’s a very interesting time, tons of work but overall very exciting and enjoyable. If you skip this portion or you’re not honest then you’re opening a door to misery, you might wind up with someone that’s a complete stranger and you won’t be able to figure out why they are so distant from the person you thought you knew. While your in the discovery phase of a relationship you should feel something tugging at your heart, you should find yourself more attached to the sound of her voice, in awe as you’re looking at her facial features and just find that you’re wanting to smile and never end your time together. If you’re not feeling these things, be careful, you may be making a good friend, but don’t confuse that with a life long partner. If you’re the least bit observant you’ll know how she’s feeling about you as well. What I find most important during this phase is whether or not we are able to hold eye contact for more than 10 seconds while we’re speaking to each other, can we even hold a conversation for more than 10 minutes, does the conversation always have to carry a topical theme or can we just converse about anything and have it lead to a number of topics as the conversation evolves? If you’re unable to carry a conversation you’d probably better look elsewhere. Really important for me, are we both comfortable if neither is saying anything? Then a sure tale tale is whether or not there is plenty of laughter while you’re together. I don’t care if you’re the dullest person in the world, if there’s no laughter while you’re together it’s a sure sign that one of you really isn’t enjoying the company of the other, even more critical; you’re not equally yoked. If you’re completely interested in the person you’re with but find you’re more in awe of that person than enjoying their company, you’re not bringing enough to the relationship to make it last and that will spell trouble down the road. So if you find yourself in this situation where you’re in awe but can’t loosen up enough to laugh with them, then you’d be better off not getting too deeply involved.
Another aspect that I pay close attention to the sort of priority does she command in my life. If for example when the phone rings, do I tell others to wait while I talk to her or do I wait for a more convenient time to call her back? If the later is true, we probably won’t last very long as a couple. This priority should last forever, not in just the first couple of years.
For me the most important reaction I pay close attention to is myself, do I find myself thinking of ways to make myself a better person for her sake.
Had more to say but ran out of room, hope this said enough.
Saturday February 24, 2007 – 07:31pm (CST)
Amy U… Very interesting! And great input from everyone!
I have a friend who has been married but she was in bad relationships with drug users. Now she has changed her life and would like to be in a healthy marriage but she’s afraid she’ll never get married because she’s over 40. She could live happy for the rest of her life without remarrying, but she would like to share her new and improved life with someone. I hope that when she’s ready for a relationship she’ll be able to find someone who will be able to appreciate her.
Monday February 26, 2007 – 10:36am (PST)