Clary Lopez' Blog

Learning a new Rhythm

clary — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 01:42:42 +0000

It has been many years in a foreign land, a land where I never decided to live in and even though I did my heart always was somewhere else. Now that somewhere else is here and in many ways I feel a little foreign in it. It’s ironic but at this time sentiments and habits created long ago are part of my being. As I embrace the land I always wanted to be in, I must also embrace what I become while on it. It is a slow process that I must learn to flow with in order to regain control of my life, a lot depends on it including my happiness.

To Quiet the heart does not come easy, even when the ideal circumstances are denied; it lingers, it waits, it dreams, it flies where it want to be and subliminally communicates with the other. Time will only tell if it will live or die.

I’m slowly learning to close my eyes, to look away, to keep my mind busy when it needs to in order to help let the time pass by. I realize that sometimes the torture is created within and mistakenly I expect the peace to come from external means, nothing is further from the truth, both are created within. I must decide which one to grow in order to move on, torture has lived way too long with me.

As I learn this new rhythm and even dance to it, I must also know that it will take time… It will be worthy at the end and my heart will be full of peace and joy, just like I dream, like I hope, like is meant to be against all the odds.

Never Again

clary — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:01:00 +0000

Usually I tried not to use the word “never” because in reality nobody knows what lies ahead. It is surprising to find ourselves doing or accepting something we said we would never do. But then again there are things we should make sure would never happen again. One of them is letting someone take control of our destiny, to not fight for what is our reason of being and our true essence. Those who do that to us are cowards, people who suck the life out of people in order for them to live. It is amazing to see how they come to life while they see you there half dead next to them. Love many times blind us to reality and the natural sacrifice we tend to do for our family direct our steps not realizing that we are walking towards a high cliff.

It is not our fault that some people can’t embrace who we are, but it is our fault to become someone we are not so they stay with us. It is a high price to pay and unfortunately many of us do just that in order not to be alone. We have to be real, honest and loving towards ourselves. We need to defend our being from being extinguished from this world. We need to stand up and say, no more!! If you don’t love me for who I am then you have no room in my life or my heart.

On My Hands

clary — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 11:53:06 +0000

In the realm of all that is and all that will be there is a undeniable reality that most of I want is already on my hands. I don’t believe that my inspirations and most sincere sentiments are there to be voided, silenced, controlled… In all of creation we are the only ones who have the power to think and act, to create and recreate our life. I am at that point, recreation. It is a time of reflection of deep longing and of uncertainty. It is my chance to have what I really want and to grow in all directions.

At this point I have certain goals and desires and the first steps are already in motion. But at the same time I am deeply connected to my intuition, I don’t want to ignore it this time. Sometimes in life we force our way through, we cling to things and people who are not good for us, we hang from ideas that have not worked for a very long time and we try to hold on when we should let go. That we make a commitment doesn’t mean that the other person has done the same thing, it hurts to come to that reality but it is best to open our eyes and move on. Our view of love and commitment is not the same but it should ultimately be to make each other happy. I am letting go, and in that let go I am also setting myself free, free to experience what life has to offer and to become what I must become.

In this new reality of wonderful things that God has for me, I am opening my hands in order to receive all that was supposed to be mine long ago and that somehow I did not realize. In life sometimes we give up, let go, hold on, try to capture things and people who were not meant for us. I believe that is why they get out of our hands, it is a sign that what we thought it was, isn’t. There is no reason on earth, even our love for them, to make them stay. I don’t believe in threats, conditions, trials and promises. I believe in love, honesty, self-giving and action. The day I have to sit down with someone to ask them to show or prove to me their sincerity, loyalty, friendship, or love for me is the day that I know for sure none of it exists. All of that and more is demonstrated to us in our daily interactions and should not be imposed or demanded from anyone because it should flow freely from their heart and soul.

Nothing gives makes me happier than to have on my hands; my future, my dreams, and my hopes. It is a treasure but this time I won’t give it away, I will share it. My heart is opened to the great possibilities a new life entails and I know it will be great. What else could I ask for?

In my mind…

clary — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 02:48:18 +0000

I wish the trips I take in my mind in order to sort feelings and emotions, somehow take me to the shore, the shore of happiness and peace I long for. There is not a moment in my life I tend to remember only the good in order to overshadow the darkness that surrounds me. I know in time the sun will shine, laughter will be the norm and my dreams will come true. All I need is faith and time, like the flood that washes away the debris of all that doesn’t belong or is good in my life. It’s hard to swallow but I must, it’s just reality…

I am learning to articulate the words that will create my new life and prepare myself to see a miracle. It is something new and exciting that in time will provide me with a happiness beyond my wildest dreams. I see it, even though I still don’t see who will be beside me. All I know is what it will bring into my existence which I lack now.

What’s in your mind?

From the Ashes…

clary — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 13:01:57 +0000

Nothing could be more painful than to be consumed by fire and converted into ash. It is a good analogy for the trials and sorrows in life but also for the process in which many of us go through in order to be transformed into something new or give way to a new life. It is painful but not even a trace of what it was must remain in order to give way to something completely new. In the heat of the moment we don’t realize it but given past experiences it is the way it should be.

Gathering strength gets harder and harder as we try to hold on to fragments of what it was, it is not until we let go that our hands are empty to be filled again with our reward. It is a battle in which the warrior must shed the worthless weapon and quickly reach for one more suited for the fight at hand. He must be quick or risk the chance to be deadly wounded. Perhaps we wait too long in this process, I know, I’m guilty of that. I waited so long that sometimes I feel half alive and my strength is just not there anymore. I must lay in the fire until I am totally consumed and then when it is all done my ashes will be free to be blown by the wind. I will no longer be confined to one place in time but be free to fly wherever the wind leads me. I need to stop fighting this transition and let go of all I know, which now hurts me, and embrace the now and be opened to what the future will bring. It is not easy, but in time I know I will do just that and a better life will be before me.

From the ashes I will rise a brand new being and will never turn back trying to become what was, but I will embrace all the possibilities and take advantage of the opportunities of a brand new life.

By the sea…

clary — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 02:26:12 +0000

By the sea all melts away, in an instant the worries and sorrows drift away from me. The joy finds its way to me in the breeze that caress my skin and in the water that refreshes my body. It is in the sounds of the waves as the come to the shore that I once more find my place on this earth and I close my eyes to wish my heartfelt feelings travel to that place where I know has an undeniable space where is treasured and appreciated. It means so much to me even though the distance separates me from many whom I love dearly but the memories and the moments spent together will forever be with us. By giving the best of me I know it will never come back to me voided, it will come to fulfill a purpose even though I might be a world apart because for love there are no barriers and it goes and lingers where it should, for all eternity.

Relaxed and Grounded

clary — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 01:58:41 +0000

No, it’s not what I had planned for today but I embraced it and moved on. A day to first of all exercise my body, then tend to my soul and then to enjoy myself in ways I hardly ever took time before. It feels good to pick and choose what I want to do and just do it. I get behind the wheel and travel towards the beach. I don’t know what it is about the water that pulls me in more ways than one but I feel tranquil just by being by it. The sight is superb and there are so many little islands around that I can go to a different one by just driving 20-30 minutes from home.

Then a little window shopping doesn’t hurt anyone, right? Well, I couldn’t resist getting two great deals but all in all it was time to walk around, see people, smell wonderful aromas from the great restaurants and take a few pictures.

It was a hot steamy day and it is not high season for tourism right now but I sure could see a few people from Europe walking around speaking in their native tongue.

After I did my walk around the whole plaza I headed out to town but not before I made a stop at the park and visit my best friend, the sea. The wind blew and the sun shined high above me and I thought it would be a good place to come with my dog, Troy, for a nice stroll. Maybe next time I will do just that.

Got to enjoy every moment, who knows when it will be my last. I just lost a dear friend, a guy who was like my brother and it’s hard to believe that I will never see him again. He was so happy to have become a dad for the first time and it hurts me that he never got to celebrate Father’s Day because this was going to be his first… So I dedicate this post to Manolo, I know you can see me from where you are, my heart is with you my brother. Happy Father’s Day now and always.

In Loving Memory of Manolo Mont
June 13, 2011

Not So Simple

clary — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 02:33:19 +0000

I wish it was as simple as to run towards the Lighthouse… but it’s empty, it has no keeper and walking inside is like walking into a vacant cold space full of darkness… Wanting to climb all the way to the top, but there is no reason why, it no longer holds its story, it no longer needs a keeper.

The other side of the moon

clary — Wed, 25 May 2011 01:00:43 +0000

The moon forever will be the reflector of my most intimate thoughts and messages that transcends space and time. Like the very first time I was asked to step outside and look at it and somehow communicate and receive subliminal thoughts… I still do that and know for a fact that it does transcends and that no matter where I am I can rely on it.

It’s brightness is fascinating to me and more so when it shines over the sea, it has inspired me to write, to sing, to cry, to laugh and to love. I believe nature has a powerful influence in our well being and it helps us balance a lot of emotions and helps us reflect better about life and our personal journey. It doesn’t matter if it is; the snow, the wind, the majestic mountains, the river stream, the ocean or the starry night… It all merges with our senses and soothes the mind and soul and a lot of times liberates the pressure or sadness in our hearts.

In time I know what is now will be different, but it will be better. For now rebuilding my life and molding my future is the task at hand, later on all things will fall in place. One day at a time, yes, one day at a time…

Another Year

clary — Fri, 06 May 2011 12:15:36 +0000

My birthday came and went, I did not have the time or inspiration to write anything that week. Life is taking a turn for a lot of changes and unexpected events. I welcome the closeness is giving to the ones I love even though is along the lines of pain and suffering at times. Every moment of life is treasured.

This year was memorable, it taught me to remember that I exist, that what I do and care about matters and that dreams do come true. It takes hard work and constant dedication to build a business, it takes a clear vision of the end result but at the end (and I am not there yet) it will be worth all the effort. At times encountering challenges made me nervous but by now I’ve learned to trust my instinct. This will be big, I know, it’s just a matter of time.

Those who came to my life in more ways than one have contributed in a small way to all I want to welcome and accomplish in my life. It is hard to deal with insecure, controlling people. They are being shed from my life. I welcome those with open minds, great ideas and optimistic thoughts.

Each year a new chapter of my life unfolds, this one is majestic. I expect only the best, in time all things will flow. I know I live in the mind and heart of those who opened themselves to me this year, even though I might not be with them physically, and they will be in mine. To be in ones heart is more important to me than all the treasures of this world.

I am turning the page with no expectations, with open arms. Each day will be an adventure and I refuse to guard anyone’s actions. Life is too intense to try to live ours and control others according to our designs. It’s not worth my time and effort. The ones who choose to be beside me will enhance my life, will be with me because they want to, not because they have to. It is sad to get to that point, questioning every word and every move. I am a guard no more.

Another year, a new life, a new frame of mind. One that is true to me and the things I really need, one that doesn’t demand that I stop being myself and one that gives me the greatest gift of all: ME

Cheers!!!