And What About Grandma

Time have changed so many things, one of them I believe is the way we see our grandmas. I remembered when visiting or receiving grandma at our home it was always a joyous occasion. I loved the way she listened to me and the special little things she would sometimes bring me, most of them were little and very inexpensive but just to know she thought of me was enough.

Life has become a place where you live where you can survive and not where you want to be. Families used to live closed to each other throughout their life and in that process they saw each other grow up and helped one another when needed. I won’t paint a rosie picture of the whole experience because sometimes there were moments you wished they were far away but grandmas somehow made things alright.

It breaks my heart to hear of grandmas being placed in nursing homes and then forgotten by their families. I realize that life moves so rapidly that before you know it your day is all gone; between work, house work, the kids, your spouse and all the activities you are lucky to have time for yourself. The days go by and grandma waits lonely in a cold room far away from all she holds dear, thinking that today maybe is the day she gets that visit, that call and nights fall down. Another day without you. She wonders why, how and for how long she will have to endure the pain and sorrow in her heart. Better days come to mind as her tears roll down her cheeks and wonder… If the grandma happens to be Hispanic and her kids moved to the United States now she has another barrier that keeps her faraway from her family, the language. It is so sad to see parents who replace their native language for the one they are living around now and don’t take the time and effort to teach their language to their kids. When grandma comes they can’t even talk anymore and they long to get to know them.

I thank God I lived in a generation that had the blessing to enjoy grandmas and that I had the chance to be with them a lot, I knew them and they knew me. They taught me their favorite dishes and made me my favorite food. I called them when I was far away and told them how much I missed and loved them. I also wrote letters to them. I played, I cried, I laughed and I grew to be who I am because of them. I learned by their mistakes and by their advice, and I was in awe when I heard all they went through. There is not a moment I did not want to be with them, even on their death bed and I will forever love and carry them in my heart.

So what about your grandma? Your kids’ grandma? Have you taken the time to talk or visit them today? Do you know she is waiting for you and no matter how long it has been she will still love you just the same as if you were there yesterday, even though you were not?

Healthy Balance

It is a daily challenge, something that I really need to concentrate on as I move along the many choices I make along the way to find a healthy balance; body, mind and spirit. Wanting to remain in the present not letting the past creep on what it could be, but at times feels like a lost battle inside. Putting myself before God -tired, humbled, opened- helps lift the burden up from my shoulders.

Holding It In

For the longest time we have been trained to hold things up. Living in a society demands that sometimes we don’t speak of certain topics or opinions. When it comes to relationships it is pretty much the same but one thing I know is that no communication=no relationship. Holding in opinions, emotions, hurt, ideas, disagreements, etc takes a toll on anyone. There is a fine line between being honest and rude, between expressing our frustration and insulting someone in the process. At times is best to just walk away. Words can’t never be taken back but not because of it we are to be so afraid to utter them, in some occasions they are essential to help resolve a situation.

Holding things in for too long only leads to an imminent explosion and out of control situation. There is only so much we all can take and for our own emotional and health we need to learn to release from time to time.

What is your experience with holding it in? Have you learned ways to release in order not to create too much pressure that will provoke an “explosion”?

Healing Sounds

I tried to write all day with no success, too much going on, too much noise and the thoughts and emotions escalate to heights I never thought or felt before. So I decided not to worry about until now, the day is almost over and I need to let go of some thoughts as I prepare myself to try to sleep a full night for a change.

I heard that exercise helps to relax and to uplift moods, I need that. I walked for 25 minutes, got on my medicine ball and then danced for while. Now is my mind that needs to relax, writing will do while I listen to Yanni to block all the noise outside my bedroom door. I let the vibration of the music to resonate deep within and hopefully it will stimulate me towards a “better rhythm.”

I am going to leave you here one that I love, enjoy it!

Screwing Up the Next Generation

I often wonder what can we truly expect from the next generation? It is clear to me that the way we raise them will determine the kind of individuals they will be and what I see happening around me is not offering me much hope.

It amazes me how lazy and irresponsible some kids are today, they are hardly held accountable for their actions and don’t have to do much in order to get all the conveniences they enjoy like a car, cell phone and computers. Some people think I am strict but my job is to raise kids that will eventually contribute something good to society. In the past parents watched out for each others kids and they were respected by the teens or kids in the neighborhood, today hardly nobody takes the time to even get to know their neighbors. I still believe that parents have the strongest influence on their kids but unfortunately these days parents want to be friends more than parents and they don’t believe that their kids are able to make the right choices for themselves. Obedience, respect for authority, following the law are all things that I teach and expect from my children but once they step out my door there is a whole different set of boundaries in their friend’s homes.

I was always amazed at how minors were able to smoke and drink freely when it is illegal. How do they get their stuff?? Sometimes they get it through older friends but now days most of them get them from their parents, and their parents allowed them to do it home because “they are going to do it anyway” so they might as well do it at home where they have “some control.” Wow! I don’t see how is that going to help them and what about the kids that aren’t theirs? What happens to them when they get behind the wheel of a car drunk? Is that what we are teaching our kids these days? That it is okay to brake the law as long as their parents know? I believe parents are doing a disservice to themselves, their children and to society as a whole, by the time they are 21 years old -if they have survived- they are either alcoholics or with some kind of record for misbehavior with the authorities, or a DUI. Excellent way to start! We as parents need to step up to the plate and show them by example the way things are and teach them to respect laws and authority. It all begin with us and if it doesn’t I don’t know what kind of individuals are going to run this nation 10-20 years from now. Sometimes I feel like I am swimming against the current and sooner or later will drown because I see no lifesaver coming my way. I feel totally alone on my points of view. Am I too old fashioned or do certain values always prevail no matter the times? I believe that there are some fundamental truths that never change and these are one of them.

What is your opinion?

True to Yourself

Today I reflect upon this point which I read on the book The Invitation;

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

I struggle with this every single day. I am me in moments when I am surrounded by those who accept me just the way I am. When I do, I feel happy and relaxed but those moments have been far and long in between. One of my new year resolutions is to be myself but it is not as easy as it seems. At this point of my life, and given the circumstance that I am living now I question, when did I begin to let go of myself and instead placed an acceptable personality for others? I guess it was the time I feared that there was no other way for someone else to embrace me. How wrong I was. In reality the only way to live a peaceful and meaningful life is to live a life surrounded by light, truth and integrity. I am glad to say that the people who love me the most are the ones who know me completely, faults and all. But there is still a small group of people who don’t know me no matter how hard they try. They are the ones who are continuously pointing and judging my every move and intentions, the ones that are so insecure around me that they feel they have to hold me back or down and can’t be glad to see me happy away from them.

Now the big question is, would I disappoint another to be true to myself? I have to say yes even if it is very hard, but I know in my heart that the time will come and I will have to stand on my own. The ones who truly love me will remain beside me and the others will most likely walk away perhaps forever. I will have to learn to live with that in order to embrace my life and be able to accomplish my mission, there is no other way to do so. I can’t be dragging with other people’s problems because by doing so I am allowing them to take control of my life. Only God should have control of my life and I should be the instrument he chooses in order to accomplish something good during my earthly existence.

What about you?

Not All Is As It Seems

There is a certain perception people get from us as we move, talk and deliver subtle tones and mannerisms. They say a lot about who we are, or does it? Not so, many times we live behind smoking mirrors and masks placed there by circumstances and many times by life experiences. Are we to judge another for it? That is a delicate situation, I try not to because at the end of the road only the one traveling knows all the details of that journey and how hard it was to reach the present moment. I also don’t know their true challenges or intentions. Nobody likes to accept that something is wrong with them and if they do it is because they see no other alternative.

At one point or another we might be called to face reality and -as hard as it might be- we need to learn to embrace it. Each one of us know exactly how we can be reached deep inside but we don’t dare tell a soul unless we trust them. Peeling the layers to expose the tender areas of our being is much too risky for us to voluntarily let another see. It is like being in war and stand in the middle of road without any armor or weapons on; we feel as an easy target. To walk out and surrender is inconceivable.

People who have been abused in some way (physically, mentally or emotionally) in the past are the ones who look to control everything around them in order not to get hurt again. By stopping the normal flow of life in general and look for ways to channel it the way they want creates an unnatural circumstance that in time tends to follow their own natural course. Not knowing what to do, all becomes confusion and their world comes tumbling down. Controlling the normal flow of life is only a self-protection mechanism and in time and with the right mode of communication channels the walls of protection can come down.

Stereotyping, judging, criticizing and measuring changes does not stimulate the necessary trust to create improvement. I don’t know you, but I don’t like to be compared to anyone. I remember when my mom used to compared me with my cousin; She thought that by giving me an example that it would help me behave in a different manner, it was the opposite, I was deeply offended. How dare someone tells me that someone is better than me? Instead of stimulating me to change it makes me go in the opposite direction. If nobody can see the good in me -which by the way could be very different qualities than others- I doubt very much I would reveal it after been challenge to do so. I’m guilty to do that sometimes with my kids but at the same time I try to look for the uniqueness of each of them and their good traits and build on that. Do I do it all the time? No, but I try. I need that every once in a while, I’m not perfect but I’m sure I have some unique qualities worthy to be praised and instead what I am presented constantly is what I don’t have or can’t give at this time. One thing is for sure; if we don’t have our life together navigating through it becomes rough.

A Mid-Life Opportunity

I wonder why we tend to be negative about change and transformations, we call it “crisis” and mistakenly many of us accept it as something that should not be happening at all until it happens to us. Change is inevitable and the resistance we create for ourselves and the pressure we receive from others to remain the same it’s what creates the crisis.

In Mid-Life Transformations I read a very clear explanation or what the process is all about. A lot of us runaway from being labeled to be having a mid-life crisis thinking that this is something that happens only to old people but studies have shown that it could start anywhere from 37-50 years old, and it could be sooner or later within that age range. So to me is no longer about age but about a stage in my life when I’m called to put everything -Body, Mind and Soul- in order to be able to be transformed.

Opportunities come in many shapes and forms but the main ingredient is that it challenges us to make changes in order to seize them. We not only look at our abilities but we also look at what is holding us back from moving forward. Sometimes it is our past experiences that have held us prisoner from our own potential in life and at this point is when we are urged to resolve them. Breaking free is not always easy or painless. we need to embrace the difficulties and the pain, if we don’t we might never go through this process.

Just as the caterpillar goes through different stages until reaching total transformation into a unique and beautiful butterfly, we also go through stages, but for some reason this particular stage is not well accepted or supported in order to help us get the most out of it. I believe that is why mishandling the process destroy so many relationships when if properly viewed it could become the beginning of something better. I have been reading about this topic for years from different points of views; psychologists, therapists, life coaches, etc. but I noticed that there is nothing about this stage in my Catholic spiritual resources, at least I haven’t found it. I need to include the spiritual dimension of this process and I don’t want to get lost in all the changes that are taking place.

Another characteristic of this transformation period is the increasing need to be alone, but not lonely. The reason we want to be alone is because not everyone around us is in the same stage we are and because they don’t understanding it they try to prevent us from going into our great journey. The process of transformation is in motion, we have nothing to do with it, it doesn’t begin at will and therefore the best way to handle it is going towards where it wants to takes us.

One of the most difficult things about this whole process is that we don’t know the final result of this transformation ahead of time. In effect we will be a new creation born of our own individual experiences, desires, dreams, goals and talents. I guess that’s why it is so difficult for society to accept; because there is no set pattern, age group, and outcome. Each person has to forge their own path and overcome their obstacles on their journey to become someone new, mostly without any support. I feel this should change. We can’t continue letting people go through this important stage alone, lost and guilty just because we can’t understand it fully. It is a beautiful and powerful stage, one where we will finally arrive to our own ground, Truthful Ground*, one that will help us live more significantly in this world.

* Truthful Ground is the title of my next book. No publication date has been announced yet.

Randy Pausch dies at 47

Randy Pausch, Carnegie Mellon University professor and author of The Last Lecture passed away this morning. My prayers today go to his family and friends who in him have lost a great man, friend, son, brother, husband, father and most of all a great inspiration to us all.

I wrote a blog entry a few months back when I learned about the professor’s story who moved millions to listen to his message. You can read it here: On Facing Death.

I listened to his Last Lecture and it confirmed what I have believed for so long, life is more than material possesions, it is about making our dreams come true and holding on to what really matters in life; love, health, values, faith, hope.

Unlike Randy, many of us don’t have the minor idea of when our time will come but we know one day it will. I would really hate for that day to come and not have accomplished my goals and dreams. I realize that not all of them are meant to be but many of them are. We need to push harder, to work a little bit more, to tune in to our inner self more in order to find out how to do this.

The Last Lecture came about when at Carnegie Mellon University professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk. I believe it is a brilliant idea to do something like this at any stage of our life, it will force us to stop and think where our life has been and where is going.

If you were asked to write your Last Lecture what would it say? I’m sure I will be thinking of composing mine very soon.

Thank you Randy Pausch, your life mattered and your memory, great teaching and example will inspire many for generations to come.

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Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life

Getting to Know Me

“They don’t know me at all” , I’ve heard this so many times.

We all need to be known and acknowledge, it is a way of validating who we are, but many times others don’t get to know the real us to begin with. Thinking about this fact I began to think the reasons why this happens and realized that whenever I fail to put effort in getting to know someone, they also fail to know me. It is our interest for other individuals that put us at ease to reveal who we truly are and it shows with more than words, the true essence of our spirit. When we open ourselves to receive someone they also tend to open up to give in response, and in that interchange that we get to know each other.

When dealing with people who had drama or bad experiences in life we need to be careful not to be righteous and judgemental, the person will completely close the line of communications if we do. Fear of yet another rejection or disregard is their defense mechanism in order to survive. By looking at their strengths and not their weakness we can help them rise above our expectations, but it really shouldn’t be about what we want FROM them but what we want FOR them. I can tell you by experience that whenever I think of them and not me I get so much more in return; physically, mentally and spiritually.

So here is the concept; if you want people to know you, take the time to get to know them. Trust is what open ourselves to another. We can’t gain trust if we don’t learn how to embrace someone else first.

Clary Lopez, author of Simplicity, Richness of Life