Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others

28 10 2007

rings

Note: I noticed this entry get’s a lot of readers, I would love to see your comments on it. Share your view, men or women it doesn’t matter.

I donated some books and clothing off at my local Good Will and as usual, I got off to check their used book store before I left. There are four sections that I prefer among the others; Self-Help, Classics, Reference and Religious. Yesterday I went to the Self-Help and one book got my attention, Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others.

Marriage proposals have changed in the last decade or so, I’ve heard of women proposing to men these days, I can’t imagine that. I always wondered what goes through a man’s mind when they propose or even consider to ask a woman to marry them. What are their expectations? what leads them to believe this is the right one for them?

On the same token, I would like to know what are the characteristics that keep men far away from some women and don’t even consider them as marriage material. I have a few friends who would love to be married but can’t find anyone to propose to them. Then I know others who have 1 or more kids, have couple of failed marriages and they still get guys to ask them to marry again.

So men, if you don’t mind sharing your inner thoughts on this subject I believe women would appreciate it. It doesn’t matter if you are married, single, a single dad or divorced, tell us what would inspire you to want to share the rest of your life with someone. Inquiring minds want to know.

Comments: (from another blog)
My soon to be ex proposed to me.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:28am (EST)
Txcha… Hopefully I don’t get in trouble here…but I think it has to do with personality and well, mainly looks to be honest. I think there alot of reasons I can name, but just to say a few. Men are so visual, generally speaking. I know I have a friend looking as well and has had several in her life that just don’t find her interesting. But I think her issue is that she is not very inviting. It’s harder for introverts then extroverts (spelling?) and its harder for personalities that are so use to being alone. Men do not know what you are thinking ladies and if you confident and open and know what you want without being a “B” and sharing that then you might get the person you want in your life. Just a thought.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 07:31am (CST)
DeVega Confidence, Sense of Humor, Intelligence, Sensuality, Class, & most importantly RESPECT!

I like real women, not a shallow Barbie’s, responsible women who work hard & play harder. Women who are tastefully witty and a goof to hang with, great laughs are essential if we spend time together.

No man should want a woman to complete him because we need to be happy with whom we are. She should enhance his life not complete it.

Don’t bore me intellectually, emotionally, or intimately. Intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman turns me on & dumb chicks turn me off. I’m very affectionate & like the same in a woman.

Also be a lady; it’s ok to be one of the guys but, not all the time. I prefer a woman who loves being a woman & looking like one, dressed up or dressed down for beer or wine.

Be spicy, enchanting, sexy, eclectic, sensual, cultured. If she’s got sexy eyes, a nice smile, a great butt, & is a great kisser she’ll have my attention all night.

Don’t be a thug chick, that’s a turn off.

Must know how to love & allow herself to be loved. She must be my best friend, & submit to a good healthy relationship as I will do the same.

You have to have passion in life & love. Our intimate life should be a passion filled, no holds barred, uninhibited, hang from the rafters love life. She need be able to throw caution to the wind & keep me guessing and, pushing the boundaries of our intimacy to new heights & limits. Sex should be fun, passionate, sensual, spontaneous, sometimes kink, & always safe. Be open minded and willing to explore.

Oh and I don’t care how good you look. If we don’t have any chemistry, it ain’t gonna work.

She’s got to make an effort to love my family and my child.

Leave any rowdiness at the door because I don’t tolerate a drama queen with a pre Madonna attitude.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:35am (EST)
Txcha… No wonder my husband loves me…lol

Friday February 23, 2007 – 07:45am (CST)
GG – … Thanks for sharing your point of view Chatter Box, as a woman I see a lot of flaws on the decisions other make when looking for a guy to marry. For one, they like to party too much and too hard. Don’t get me wrong, I love to party but I know that guys don’t like to be on the scene all the time if they have someone to love and care for them at home.

DeVega, that was a great detail order. I’m sure women will thank you for that. To sum it up: “Confidence, Sense of Humor, Intelligence, Sensuality, Class, & most importantly RESPECT!”

Confidence is like a magnet and that is perhaps what is holding my friends back to find that special someone. After years of trying and missing confidence is not there anymore.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:59am (EST)
DeVega Tell her to respect her self but not take herself too serious. That will project out to the world. Laughing at ourselves helps a lot. Be fun to be around, not the person everyone is afraid to hurt. She’ll be fine once she’s happy with who she is. She needs to accept that first.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 09:05am (EST)
GG – … “She’ll be fine once she’s happy with who she is. She needs to accept that first.”

That’s another good point. By not being happy with whom we are, we could easily try to be everything others want us to be instead and sooner or later the real us one has to come out. This comes right along the lines of being honest and not trying to get someone to be believe you are someone you are not.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 09:16am (EST)
Txcha… GREAT POINTS!

Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:20am (CST)
Miche… I’ve proposed to someone once… it was a mistake and it was a knee jerk reaction more than anything. He so wasn’t the one for me, and I knew it then too – but I hated losing, long story.

When Ryan proposed to me…well, I can’t even explain it. The first time h proposed I said no. I knew that I was too wrapped up in the past and too screwed up over some stuff that was going on. It had nothing to do with Ryan, but with me not being ready. But I told him to ask me again, when things settled down.

He waited… and he asked again, and this time, I jumped on it.

You can’t let a guy like him get away, let me tell you what.

I’ll point him over here and have him answer specifics about why he asked me though. He’s an amazing man… I love him very much.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:32am (CST)
Senti… DE LA VISTA NO NACE EL AMOR, SINO LA ATRACCIÓN, EL AMOR NACE DE LA CONVIVENCIA Y DE COMPARTIR LA VIDA, DURANTE EL NOVIAZGO SE DEBEN IR CONOCIENDO LOS DEFECTOS Y LAS CUALIDADES DE LA PAREJA Y ESO ES LO QUE HACE DECIDIR. PORQUE LA PAREJA IDEAL DEL MATRIMONIO NO ES AQUELLA QUE NUNCA VA A TENER PROBLEMAS, SINO LA QUE ES CAPAZ DE RESOLVER LOS PROBLEMAS JUNTOS. SI SE CAPTA QUE NO ES POSIBLE LLEGAR A ACUERDOS PARA SOBREPASAR LOS BACHES DE LA VIDA, MEJOR BUSCAR OTRA PAREJA… BUENO ESO DIGO YO.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 10:48am (CST)
Initi… It depends on the man, I have read so many women speak on men in a generalized manner. I see it as individualism. Meaning that men do somethings that are similiar in what women do.
For myself when I was married, my ex wife proposed to me while I when she saw my flight tickets and the date that I was leaving. I think the way we propose I mean as a man is dependant on what values and beliefs we have. My brother took a year before he proposed and I think he was smart with doing what he did as they have been married for 12 years now and they love each other very much.

It’s not within the proposal, it’s in the manner in which you catch the right time and that is only done by way of being spontaneous and knowing that the women you love is one that wishes for love for a lifetime and….it’s mutural.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 08:49am (PST)
winduck Looks are the determing first factor, its obvious even on this Yahoo 360, the good looking members are praised for being “so beautiful” “so gorgeous” so looks as a whole is typically the first. A beautiful woman is appreciated then… next is personality, which is another determing factor. There is the first impression to be nice, to be polite, to be a gentlemen, to be someone else who is projected to be likable (hence for some women who thought they actually knew and understood someone they liked/loved but later found “then they turned mean”) I try to personable yet maintaining that “just be yourself” thing. It is very complex, some men look only for sexy women and overlook their really bad personalities and habits. Others have these idealistic fantasies about “how ,what and who” a woman should be like, unconsciously thinking about their mothering abilities, have these generalized checklists and other little nuances. It gets even more complex as some guys woo a woman completely and once she’s “acheived” become bored and look for another. Some are attracted to women who reject them and they know this will happen.
Men in the most part, if the conditions, society, culture warranted it would enjoy several women, its almost anthropological as propagation goes; men are for quantity and women are for quality. As for me, looks catch my eye first then once I get to know her, it goes on from there. If we have a click or liking to each other, usually we overlook at lot of little annoying things we have about each other. I like her for who she is and I’m not in a relationship to change or civilize her and I hope she expects the same thing about me. I’m not looking for the “one” I guess for me, on both sides I would rather have trust and tolerance. Most woman I’ve been with (with a few and to some dismay) I’ve parted as good friends. There were a lot of marriage possiblities but I’d rather remain single.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 10:31am (MST)
winduck I agree with Michelle on one thing, “not being ready” I have a lot of personal interest going on, other activities that are more important to me. If a woman proposed to me, I would say “no”

Friday February 23, 2007 – 10:37am (MST)
[dele… Sorry Clary, this is definitely not a post I’d want to know anything about b/c I’m a woman who’s never wanted to and doesn’t want to marry!

It’ll be great for you to get feedback from the men though!

I can tell you why I’ve never been interested in marriage–it’s nothing I consider genuine. My time is very important to me, I’m very independent, and I’m only going to live once (and I don’t mean that in the selfish respect) and I’m not willing to give myself away to anyone who’s no idea of real commitment. Marriage is wishy-washy. My life deserve more from me. I have more important things I want to accomplish in my life and marriage is nothing I consider worthy.

You’d be interested in this though, I caught it on the news this morning when flicking through: Today Show on MSNBC (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633) had a couple of guests who were talking about love and “What is love?” I’m not sure if they had a book just coming out or not (or if they were doctors), I missed most of it but it should be on the website there somewhere (I couldn’t find it).

Good Luck!

Friday February 23, 2007 – 11:28am (PST)
[dele… P.s. that reminds me…

Jen Schefft has a book just out “Better Single Than Sorry” and I’m about to start reading it soon, I’ll be posting a review on it.

I believe women are giving up on men… I hear it all the time about how sick and tired they are of the men, their husbands and boyfriends like taking care of kids. I don’t honestly know what we need them for, women work, clean, look after the kids, run committee’s/organizations, volunteer, etc, it goes on and on. Men are constantly complaining even just to help out, all they want to do is sit around. Women are just more outgoing and willing to be the best person they can be… and they do it all without complaining. Women want to grow and accomplish. Men would rather jerk around (or off)

Friday February 23, 2007 – 11:40am (PST)
~♥Bre… Well I will give you a woman’s perspective, since you described me above… and no… I would never ask a man to marry me… I believe a man should be the man… I like feeling like a woman… but, all the power to those that do ask men… to each its own…

I think it has to do with being the kind of girl that gets a long better with guys than girls… I am not back-stabbing, petty nor gossip often like most women… I don’t get highly emotional, although my Italian comes out with passion… just not tears… I also HATE playing games… if I want something I say so, if I don’t I say so… I think I can confidently say, most men in my life have known exactly who I am… I am straight forward, open and honest… Never needy… ever!

I have been married twice, engadged 5 times… and asked many many times too… this is just my hunch on it I guess… but, then again I am not the men? Yes, I believe looks matter, but that will only get you so far… I really don’t think most men would marry for looks alone…

I think a guys like a woman he can get along with, laughter & truly enjoying eachother is always so important… strength and sensitivity combined best defines me…

Yes, and I agree somewhat with your friend above too… but, that’s another topic I guess… However, I like sharing my life with someone… having history… knowing they are by my side through thick and thin… and if not… bye, bye~

Complicated question, since it’s all relative too… *giggles* Did that all make sense? Have a wonderful weekend sweetie~ xx

Friday February 23, 2007 – 01:43pm (PST)
[dele… P.s. I sent this guy (http://guygetsmarried.blogspot.com) your way here to read this particular blog–he wants to get married.

Friday February 23, 2007 – 03:19pm (PST)
GG – … The truth of the matter is that marriage is not an universal vocation. Most people are called to it but many are not. The main thing is to make the most out of it. But for those who feel they would like to, but for some reason haven’t been able to be married there is a question of why. There are necessary characteristics a person must have and most of all an overall aptitude and willingness to sacrifice to make it possible. That’s my humble opinion.

Saturday February 24, 2007 – 08:15am (EST)
gary g Pretty difficult to chronicle all the things that I look for when searching for a life long companion, even in general terms there a many things I find appealing as well as unappealing. I guess the list could go on forever. But to try and highlight a few preferences here’s my shopping list?
First, last and most important, chemistry, chemistry and chemistry. Whether I find a woman attractive, not so attractive, petite, voluptuous, tall, short, sophisticated, refined, intelligent or what other adjective you’d like to use it really comes down to chemistry and whether or not it matches. I’ve never really had a preference in ethnic background, age (within a reasonable range), wealth or religion. I find eyes; a genuine smile and a pleasant manor in speech will attract me quicker than the typical eye candy types that can only offer one dimension in a relationship. I guess this is what’s needed to attract my initial interest.
Once I’ve found someone who meets those criteria there has to be some common ground that will allow growth as friends, not that we would have to think with the same brain, but at least share enough interest in things that would allow for conversation and discovery of how the other ticks. Personally I call this the discovery stage, it’s a very interesting time, tons of work but overall very exciting and enjoyable. If you skip this portion or you’re not honest then you’re opening a door to misery, you might wind up with someone that’s a complete stranger and you won’t be able to figure out why they are so distant from the person you thought you knew. While your in the discovery phase of a relationship you should feel something tugging at your heart, you should find yourself more attached to the sound of her voice, in awe as you’re looking at her facial features and just find that you’re wanting to smile and never end your time together. If you’re not feeling these things, be careful, you may be making a good friend, but don’t confuse that with a life long partner. If you’re the least bit observant you’ll know how she’s feeling about you as well. What I find most important during this phase is whether or not we are able to hold eye contact for more than 10 seconds while we’re speaking to each other, can we even hold a conversation for more than 10 minutes, does the conversation always have to carry a topical theme or can we just converse about anything and have it lead to a number of topics as the conversation evolves? If you’re unable to carry a conversation you’d probably better look elsewhere. Really important for me, are we both comfortable if neither is saying anything? Then a sure tale tale is whether or not there is plenty of laughter while you’re together. I don’t care if you’re the dullest person in the world, if there’s no laughter while you’re together it’s a sure sign that one of you really isn’t enjoying the company of the other, even more critical; you’re not equally yoked. If you’re completely interested in the person you’re with but find you’re more in awe of that person than enjoying their company, you’re not bringing enough to the relationship to make it last and that will spell trouble down the road. So if you find yourself in this situation where you’re in awe but can’t loosen up enough to laugh with them, then you’d be better off not getting too deeply involved.

Another aspect that I pay close attention to the sort of priority does she command in my life. If for example when the phone rings, do I tell others to wait while I talk to her or do I wait for a more convenient time to call her back? If the later is true, we probably won’t last very long as a couple. This priority should last forever, not in just the first couple of years.
For me the most important reaction I pay close attention to is myself, do I find myself thinking of ways to make myself a better person for her sake.

Had more to say but ran out of room, hope this said enough.

Saturday February 24, 2007 – 07:31pm (CST)
Amy U… Very interesting! And great input from everyone!

I have a friend who has been married but she was in bad relationships with drug users. Now she has changed her life and would like to be in a healthy marriage but she’s afraid she’ll never get married because she’s over 40. She could live happy for the rest of her life without remarrying, but she would like to share her new and improved life with someone. I hope that when she’s ready for a relationship she’ll be able to find someone who will be able to appreciate her.

Monday February 26, 2007 – 10:36am (PST)


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10 responses

4 12 2007
jaypeefreely

It would be difficult to sum up what would drive me to propose to a woman. First, I think I have too much to fix inside myself to be worthy of her affections. Second, what I believe is good for me isn’t always going to be present in my life.

I think it is important for a woman to be herself, independent, caring, dynamic and honest. Much of the problems we could have will be around 4 things: Time, Communication, Money and Sex, in my opinion. Time spent has to be enjoyable and memorable…Communication has to be great…I talk alot. Money, well, we live in a world that expects people to worship it. I don’t, but I understand the needs we must fill in order to live. Sex. It is a word that always brings out the confliction in people. Hopefully how we Love each other via these elements can make it work.

5 12 2007
clary

I agree that those are very important elements but you forgot the most important ingredient, Love.

6 12 2007
Jason P.

Love is the pinnacle which the the other 4 things support, IMHO.

I don’t believe that people can just be “loving” without the other things. I may be wrong, but in my life, the people around me, the world I see working, operating and spinning in many ways wrong, the concept of selfless love is a pretty scarce commodity.

The fantasy I see some lead, or dream of, becomes quite a disappointment when they find that whoever they are enchanted with turns out to be not right.

For myself, I have quit thinking there is that someone out there for me. Believe me, I am too far from worthy of that affection. And I find it harder to give myself that opportunity. At 35, with the troubles in my own life, my immediate family’s disenchantment over numerous situations (that they refuse to address) and the prospects of improvement are at best, minimal, I can not look at glass half full.

It is why I read people like yourself: at least you have address things in a positive way.

I don’t pretend to know what your life is or what you have done to get it better than many others, but I congratulate you on being about to do it. Some of us are not quite there, nor are we always able to put aside doubt.

(I could discuss the barriers I face, but I have done that enough with others…and they are extremely REAL.)

For me, I have to say, “this is as good as it gets.” I can get around by myself. Watch tv, write short stories/a book or comment on blogs, enjoy the fact I can get food, etc. Satisfy “basic” needs. Others can’t. The purpose of life is much greater than that…but not all get that door pried open at the same moment, some never do.

At one time, in mid-2000, I believe I could reach for certain goals I wanted and accomplish that. But a personal disaster, that I responsible for, took place. And the punishment has not siezed…internally and externally, in those 7 years.

Thanks for your responses…

18 10 2008
clary

Here is a recent article that you might be interested in:

4 Things He Wants in a Wife

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/4-things-he-wants-in-a-wife-267237/

Check it out and tell me what you think. ;)

18 10 2008
Hicham

I just can not find any reasonable reason for such thing except Love which seems to be dimmed in our rushy and running world. When I say love, I don’t mean the ‘western perspective’ of “making love” but the emotional perspective of being ‘in love’ with someone.

Wild Wild World, isn’t it?

22 01 2009
Samnang

Great post!

This is a tough question to answer because there is a huge gap between being attracted to someone and wanting to marry them.

I guess for me, one of the most important things is respect. It doesn’t matter to me about her past. What counts is who she is now. What are her goals? How does she treat others? Is she someone who inspires others or is she a gossip? Is she hard working or lazy? Would she rather take the hard route honestly or take short cuts by cheating?

Which intertwines with trust. If I could not trust or respect her, I could not even consider marrying her. Looks fade; passion decreases. But honesty and integrity; these are lasting qualities and they are what I base my decisions on.

14 02 2009
clary

I just hear at Dr. Phil’s show that men are more unlikely to get married these days because they can get sex without being married. It made me think of the many couples who are living together or are steady with a boyfriend that they intimate with. I am sure they love them and that is why they allow it to happen but at the same time is working against them if marriage is the ultimate goal. Think about it.

21 02 2009
Samnang

I think it goes further than just getting sex for free…

Listening to guys talk, many guys are afraid to marry now because divorce is easy to get and almost always the guy pays through the nose.

One of my former co-workers married a woman. They had a child together. His wife began cheating on him, and ended up leaving him for the other guy. The court gave her full custody of the child and he had to pay 50% of his income to her in spite of the fact that she cheated and left him, and her income was almost double what he was earning.

I don’t know how it is in the USA, but here in Canada more and more Canadian women also do not wish to marry, prefering a “living arrangement” instead.

Our government also promotes living together instead of marriage. Not openly, but to be honest the income tax laws make it far less expensive to “co-habitate” than to be married when it comes to paying income tax.

It is really a sad state of affairs (no pun intended!). And it only took 1 or 2 generations to get like this…

14 06 2009
melvynpatrick

Marriage is just another piece of paper… too overvalued! what is more important is what is happening between you and your partner.. men and women marry for different reasons and sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t work…it takes two to tango… it is not because of one party or the other.. it is the combination of both parties that make a relationship work or NOT work.

Men can have sex without the promise of a relationship… Women need to be told or assured of a relationship (even lied to) before they can feel comfortable to have sex… I guess that is built into them because they have to care for their young.

I guess there is some truth to the allegation that men today are afraid to get married because of the divorce laws and the way they get hooked into paying 50% of their income for their ex-partner’s sustenance.

8 07 2009
swissknifev

Frankly i feel that each guy has his own kinks and fantasies about a woman. It all depends on the bio – chemicals and neuro programs in the brains synapses, axons and the signals that you get in 1/2000 of a second. When the pituitary gland in the brains decides to excite a guy, given his levels of testosterone, his taste is set.
I personally like the cute types. Some may like other types. Otherwise the intellectual women and lovely dolls would have all been single.

Raw oomph in a woman is a electric trans fixer. Once I was sitting with a girl and there passes by this sexy sexy girl, all designed to kill the male. I was staring at her – couldn’t he;p it – and the girl next to me gives me a hard slap on the shoulders.
For a moment I was jolted. Then I started laughing. She laughed.
I said ” I couldn’t help it.”
She said; ” Naturally, that’s why the bitch dresses up that way.
I said; ” Admit it she was sexy”
She sai: ” Yep.” and the topic changed.

We are designed to get attracted to women – and vice versa – and then the rest is random mechanics where what you see and what you get can be mathematically cruel.

2. Today, too much exposure to cases arising out of modern living is causing its own problems, cynicism and a reason to keep off deep relationships. For example you’ll never know what’s happening on the net and cell phones. They are full of guerrilla sex tactics. You only know them when you see others doing it and boooom! the suspicion shadows your relationship.

3. To make matters worse story 2 starts where familiarity breeds utter contempt. We are all designed for getting bored.

4. We all have various role plays imagined in our heads ( Program) and we expect that out of woman. Expectation is another spanner in the works.
5. Love and sex are two entities fighting for their own place in a relationship. Love expects fairy tales and sex expects wild kicks and fantasies. If the equations don’t match – booom!
5. Finally there is the cruelty of nature because it has to kind elsewhere. By the law of equalizing forces, some relationship has to break so that someone else gets a break. otherwise singles will never get a chance to be un-lonely unless a bond breaks free. Nature has its ruthless methods of survival.

Problems: Bio-chem, social anonymity, boredom, Tussle between love and sex and the laws of bond-breaking for new bond making.
Solution: We’ll have to keep working with the flow

Future: Enjoy the lovely lady that you find with all her permutations and combination .
If the glue is strong enough, great. Or else find another.

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